Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance,

words splattered on a page,

not making any sense whatsoever

and I still sit at the keyboard like something great is going to come from it.

Noise is all I can hear in my head,

words crunching together making space for more noise and wiggly words,

angels surround me telling me to keep going,

you’ve got this,

and all the while I am losing my fucking mind.

Or am I?

I don't wanna play no games with you.

you, who are you?

Why do I feel this tug at my heart?

Why can't it leave me alone?

I feel your presence before you are even in the room.

Scary, I don't like it.

You respect my boundaries but you also wait and watch.

You don't disclose much, you see that I do the same.

You always ask about the kids. WHY?

You don't make sense to me.

Why are you constantly telling me I am pretty or sexy or cute?

WTF man.

I know that but why are you saying it in a manner that appears and sounds sincere?

I am terrified of this.

No man except my father and grandfather ever told me I was pretty and I knew they meant it. He told me I was pretty once and then once he hooked me he stopped.

It was then replaced by looking at other women when he didn't think I was looking.

I knew he didn't love me and yet I continued to stay.

WTF is wrong with me.

It was like I took on that selfish baggage.

I knew he saw me as strong, but the thing was he was afraid.

Afraid that if I saw how strong I was that I could crush him.

You know what that coward was right.

I didn't know how strong I was, and I still can crush him.

But it isn't in my nature unless provoked.

Don't fuck with my children and we can be cool.

Take care of the responsibilities you promised you would. You know, like what you said on our wedding day?

I don't want anything else from you but that.

Oh and that you sign the papers.

I don't want this sham anymore.

I am going to be free to discover what it means to be truly loved for real and without limits.

I spent too much time tending to a cry baby who was still attached to his mother's tit.

I would never want that for my sons.

I want to raise strong independent young men to rely on themselves and God but to be grounded and loving as well.

To take care of responsibilities and to not run away from their feelings or hard things.

To be honest in all things.

I know they will be this way because they have me in them as well.

So I won't fear too much about that.

My daughter, I worry for.

She has seen horrible examples of how a woman should be.

I let him walk all over me and treat me like shit and she saw this.

I didn't stand up for myself.

I lay my life down for others.

Now as I watch, she reveals she has gone the opposite way.

She acts like the world owes her,

not that she doesn't have values

and isn’t hard-working and smart

but I see her being a mat for others

and missing out on finding her true self.

I somehow taught her that, and I am kicking myself in the ass now.

I don't despair though because this is something I can change.

I can show her that yes, while I allowed her cowardly father to manipulate me into being a mat, and less than.

That I can pick myself back up, dust myself off, and start again with a new way of living.

This walk is not the end and she is still young enough and there is time.

Whew! Thank God for that.

I don't like the people I have come to know that are in my world.

They look at me and whisper behind my back.

“who does she think she is,

she is an overachiever,

she is showing off,

she isn't all that,

what gives her the right,

she is always taking from others,

she is an undercover hoe,

she is paranoid,

she owes us.”

But when they are in my face;

“oh, girl you cute,

I am so proud of you,

wow, you've really come along,

how can I be down,

awwww so sweet you have a man who loves you at least”

and the list goes on,

If they could see the inner workings of my brain when they are talking.

Maybe they would shut the hell up.

I don't always say what I am thinking or feeling mainly because I have trust issues.

Trust if you really wanted to know what was going on all you would have to do is ask.

Then here is the tricky part: actually, listen.

I think that is the problem with a lot of people,

they don't truly listen to others.

They listen only to respond.

Sometimes the best things are those that are never said but felt.

No, I am not like everyone else.

No this isn't a front.

I have been like this since I could move and I haven't changed except in good behavior :)

How can I go on with this conversation for so long?

The tapping on the Keys is strangely soothing to me…... I hold on.

I am getting a call.

Hello?