Clean

Last night I found out my abuser has not one, not two, but three daughters. I became overridden with nausea & disgust at the thought of how he might treat them. I became repulsed that his wife, knowing the details of his past, would give him a blessing so beautiful. I wondered why God would choose him.

I hope you wiped your hands clean before you brought a daughter into this world.

I hope you wiped your mind clear before you decided you could raise a little girl.

I hope you first wiped your mouth clean of the many lies onto me you poured.

Though the abuse came to an end close to 10 years ago now, I can still feel his rage wrapped around my neck, tight like a bow. I can still feel his words ripping into my soul, my confidence turning into nonexistence. To me, that shit was still just yesterday — pain being brought upon fragile, weak, & innocent 16 year old me.

I hope you wiped your slate clean & repented for your sins.

I hope you know that one day, your daughter could endure the same pain I did & in the end that’s your doing. You implanted that shit inside of them.

I hope you cleaned your spirit of the filth you used to carry.

Innocence. You took that from me too. I do pray that one day I find the strength & power within myself so that I can forgive you. I pray over your daughters, that a better man you are. I pray that you won’t continue to be your daddy’s son. I pray that because of you their innocence won’t be gone too soon.

I hope you wiped your hands clean, so you can be the father those girls deserve.

I hope you learned to make not just yourself be your whole world.

I hope you have become clean, & a man of your word.

I hope you’re fucking clean enough to raise those three little girls.