Charlies Trouble and Strife

CHARLIE’S TROUBLE AND STRIFE

Old Charlie sat there at the bar

all gloomy and depressed

drinking one beer after another

says his wife’s become obsessed

‘She yells and screams bellowing steam

she hates it when I come to the pub

She’s on the phone every 20 minutes

Yelling “come and get your grub”.

‘I can’t stand it any longer

she’s driving me bloomin’ mad

What in the heck am I going to do?

this marriage has gone real bad’

“I just might know the bloke for you”

said the barman to the drinker

“He is an undercover hit man

a straight and narrow thinker.

His name is Arthur Jensen

here is his home address

I am sure he will help you with your problem

and he won’t confess.”

So Charlie drank his beer straight down

and jumped up off his seat

down the road he headed off

to find that hit man’s street.

He was greeted at the door

with a mumble and a cough

‘I hear you’ve got a nagging wife

and you want me to knock her off!’

Charlie said ‘it doesn’t have to be so harsh

we could just teach her a lesson or two’

Artie said “I’ve seen this all before

you’ll be forever having a blue.’

Well Charlie finally agreed on a hit

involving himself in some strife

Hiring a bloke to get rid of his missus

for 25 years as his wife.

“The job I’ll do for a dollar ($1) said Artie

that’s all I’ll charge for you

coz I know how tough life can be

when a relationship is through”.

So Charlie said ‘I know the place

tomorrow morning at 10am

down at the local shopping mall

she goes there now and then.

You won’t miss her, she’s six feet tall

mutton all dressed as lamb

she struts around all the shops

buying everything that she can’.

Artie asked ‘what will she be driving

so I can follow her right from the start?’

Charlie said ‘it’s easy to spot

a Volkswagen Beetle that’s falling apart.’

The very next day the job was on

and 10 o’clock came around quick

In came a Beetle and out stepped a woman

who gave her blonde wig a brief flick.

Artie tailed her discreetly

to the supermarket with direction

following her up the back of the store

to the fruit and veggie section.

He finally pinned her in a corner

and attacked her with stealth and flare

he choked her with his piece of rope

leaving her gasping for air.

Turning blue she hit the deck

her days were finally up

Artie has made his hard earned dollar

and a job without a hiccup.

But what is that another Beetle

cruising into the shopping car park?

Artie swiftly jumped to the side

and kept himself in the dark.

Another blooming gal

stepped out from a foreign car

exactly like the other one

Now this I call bizarre!

I’m going to have do the same

and make the job complete

yes eradicate both these blonde’s

but not out here in the street.

So Artie repeated his earlier hit

and followed her into the store

up the back once again

into the veggie section once more.

Pulling out his piece of rope

and positioning himself to be set

then struck light lightening once again

choking her right around the neck.

Vacating the building and rubbing his hands

now that was hard earned cash

there is no way in hec Charlie’s wife is alive

with both women gone in a flash.

So Artie collected his dollar from Charlie

keeping low and out of sight

A couple of days in isolation

that should settle the hype.

The very next day he went down to the store

to get some food to eat

A couple of items, paper and bread

then back home and off the street.

When he sat down with coffee and newspaper

you could hear an almighty holler

Because there at the bottom of Page 3

…..was “Artichokes – two for a dollar” (2 for $1) !!

© 2022 Neale Kirkland