cancerous thoughts

everyone might get a weird thought or two once in a while. maybe sometimes it’s a little gruesome, and you wonder what made your brain decide to think about this. you shrug it off, and you move on.

now imagine it takes over your brain. you’re forced to think it over and over and over again until your head is spinning so much you can’t breath. it grows and it festers and it doesn’t stop until it takes up the empty space in every part of your mind.

and all you could have done to stop it was pump the shampoo bottle four times.

obsessive compulsive disorder. it’s not just straight lines or matching colors. it can’t be fixed with just a ruler.

the worst part is that you know it’s irrational. you know that this one simple thought it simply overthinking, right? there’s no way this is actually reality.

but what if?

what if, because it didn’t feel right when you shut the refrigerator door, your dad died in a car accident?

what if, because you didn’t pick the skin off of four scabs on your knee, your best friend was raped?

what if, because the volume wasn’t turned to an even number, you get kidnapped the next day?

it leads to anxiety attacks. it leads to shaking hands and blurry eyes and the feeling as though your lungs are collapsing in on themselves.

it leads to random, out-of-the-blue texts to your friends making sure they don’t get in their car tonight.

it leads to quitting choir because you think your mom will die if she leaves work twenty minutes later to pick you up instead of leaving at her normal time—in third grade.

these cancerous thoughts can’t just be taken away. you can’t simply convince yourself that your irrational thoughts are just that—irrational.

but what can help is being aware of the compulsions. take your friend’s last m&m because she can’t stand to have an odd number of them. reassure her you won’t be leaving your house tonight. hold her hand and help her breath steady when she can’t stop shaking. don’t let her tear apart her skin. it’s not like she could have gotten rid of the thoughts—trust me, she would have a long time ago if it was possible.

-the butterfly effect seems irrelevant in comparison