calm.

“You're so calm.”

Said with that

Same tone of wonder

That's become so familiar.

That phrase, always uttered

Unaware of the storm that rages

Just beneath the surface,

A sentence that's followed

Me: “You're so calm.”

Because it's never even once

Been safe to be

Anything but.

Because I have been forced

To be the peace

That others seek,

(while my insides crumble into

pieces)

Groomed from childhood

To comfort everyone around

Me (while never being comfortable,

Denying my own serenity):

“You're

so

calm.”

The words I hate,

Said with admiration

While the double-weight

Of crushing disappointment skips

Hand-in-hand with the realization

That I am so

Utterly

Broken

That I don't know how to show

What's really going on;

Ever the silent stoic,

Pierced a thousand times

In a thousand ways,

Quietly screaming for someone,

Anyone

To want to listen,

To accept,

To validate,

To allow

The ‘anything but’

Within my mind

To escape,

“You're so calm.”

But what's the alternative, though?

Should I yell, break things, throw a fit?

When as a child I learned

If I'm not perfect, if I don't

Behave exactly right

I could be abandoned?

Left alone

To die

Without the love I

Need to live?

“You're so calm.”

Oh…

If

you

only

knew.