Another letter

Another letter.

First of all, I do love you. I don’t know if you’re in another world but I’m standing right in front of you and it’s like reality has slipped your mind. Remember the past for a moment cause your still on good vibes. Don’t be delusional my love I held us together for so long… giving unconditionally and still willing to give to this day. I still have the gifts I bought you. From every time you ran. You started this. The wearing and tearing of my heart. The confusion of who you are. I know your name, and well I thought I knew your heart. Maybe I was lost in a dream as well. Fantasies and woes. You say you understand but yet you are angry with me for choosing me. I can’t love anyone if I don’t start with loving myself. I’ve always fallen through for you when you needed me the most. I’d even pop up back on you when you called yourself going ghost. 4 years later and you still got my head spinning. I just know our love story isn’t finished. I need you to know you hurt me. So many times I can’t tell if they were intentional or just a sign that we were never meant to be. I remember laying down at 2 am listening to your heartbeat. The low pitter-patter. Have you ever experienced the person you adore the most in the world while their sleeping in your arms? So blissfully and at ease. No doubts or worries.. just you .. and them and peace.

In love. When you would do anything for that person. I apologize if I seem selfish. I apologize if I seem callous. Those few months of pulling and tugging have crossed my mind again. I just couldn’t understand why you could never be honest with me when I was transparent as it gets. I want you … that’s what you never understood. Keeping me in limbo and allowing me to never see the signs properly. I wanted you so badly that I allowed you to ruin my energy. For a while you think I forget you made fun of me.. sometimes you kicked me out simply just because you were tired of me. You are such a loving guy from what I see, so I’m not sure why it is you hide or lie to me. When honesty is all I can give you.

So you really wanna know how we got here huh? It starts with when you disappear. Vanishing into thin air. Calculated and intelligent. I know there’s a lot more I don’t know. Not sure if this is a parade or a show. Either way, I feel like the joke. Treating me like I was a disease one day and the next I was your girl. Every day I questioned my value, my worth. I wanted to be nothing more but your wife. I was ready. Then I notice it was just me again running rampant with this wild imagination. You kept me around for the goodness stored in me. Benefiting from the positives of when someone truly loves you. Adores you at that. While I waited to be loved. Valued. Heard. Understood. So I took off once again.. and missing you I always find my way back. This time you pulled me… and you told me the sweetest lies again. So sly… how could I have been so damn blind. All of these signs. Never truly knowing my worth. You could control my emotions in seconds. You knew I was so emotional and reckless. Destructive at the most. You knew I’d come back to you every time you called .. you truly don’t understand how much I love you. How deep I would go scares me. The lengths I would go for you wouldn’t even stretch the surface of how far you’d go for me.

Was it worth the manipulation? Was it worth it to finally get to a place where you’ve lost me? Never intentionally. My dear to feel unease around you at some points. Anxiety exceeds

my body like a rampant rush. You have no idea what tornado you cause inside of me. Leaving me in a wreck every single time. I love you but I can’t save you from yourself. Please take care my, love.

Love always, netavia