An excerpt from “processing grief”;

i have been paralyzed by my emotions before but this is different. it is not fear, it is not a shame, it is not sadness.

it is some entirely new being, whose face is fuzzy, the edges are barely discernible like i'm seeing it in a dream. some parts are love-filled. and comforting

others are gut-wrenching. heart twisting.

i feel like my perception of reality has become warped as i am faced with the reality of mortality. it's something you know of, but an entirely different thing to meet. to have death at your doorstep, and have to look it in the eye

it's disorienting. earth shattering. it has shaken my world and indeed my perception of life as well as my loved ones and how i perceive the past.

some days i cannot breathe because grief has tangled itself amidst my words, rendering me speechless. most days have been like that

grief is dizzying. it's like my memories with him have been found through pictures after a flood. the colors are faded, or blurred, some aspects of the photograph that were once vivid and bright are now bleeding into the other. or perhaps it is an antique family heirloom

that once held shine, luster, had immaculate details and was in pristine condition. but time has worn it through. the carvings and engravings that were once crystal clear are scratched up and chipped.

the paint is dissolving from chemical wear over the years

not all of my memories are like this, but i cannot shake the fog from my gaze.

i cannot clear or dissipate that which is distorting my perception of the past. as currently the fog is too thick, too heavy, and it's hard to merely breathe let alone be able to discern memories