All The Things I Have To Say To You

Dear you,

With a name and face unknown to me,

Here is a letter for you. I’m sure not much will change about how I feel in the coming years. Although one cannot be sure for our thoughts are like transient little beings migrating south. I’ve long wondered about you as every little girl has. You’re my prince you see; the very man my barbies kissed when I was 5 and the person, I imagined playing weddings at 7. All this time I’ve been building an expectation of you. Don’t worry – I don’t expect you to ascend from the heavens with roses.

Actually, it’s hard to know what I expect about a person I’ve never met. You’re a face familiar to so many but me and one day we’ll run into each other. But I can’t help but wonder how it will all come about? Will I like your eyes or the way your hair refuses to stay in place? Will you have a cute giggle or gentle hands that are soft to the touch? I can’t know. When I stand next to you, will I feel safer than I ever have? And when morning comes, will I look into the horizon and wonder over you? And I’ll miss you when you’re away, I think. Maybe, I’ll even miss you altogether.

Maybe, I cannot speak up. Maybe I hide from you and watch your journey move opposite mine and then watch it all collapse. Dear one, I hope when the time comes you too have the courage to tell me how you feel. I hope I have the courage to say yes.

I’m terrified. It’s so vulnerable – giving away yourself and the secrets that go with you. Will you treasure them? Will you laugh? Would you lie to me to say you understood me but you really didn’t? A man is a deep ocean, his depths darker than he knows. I fear I won’t be able to discern your madness and I’ll end up wondering where I can trust you.

I just want to know that no matter what you see in me, the bad too, that you’ll stay. When I’m stubborn, you won’t gossip about me or when I’m mad, you won’t run out the door and leave me for the night while I wonder where you are. I hope I’m not labeled and live in a shadow or façade of this love people think I have with you.

My fears are endless, dear one. They swirl around like sharks ready to yank me under the depths of my own hurt.

I pray that I can look into your eyes, and you into mine and find a version of safety you haven’t quite felt before. I want you to know you can cry, feel sadness and nothingness with me. I take you, not as who I want you to be, but who you are. I adopt you into my story knowing we will tear a few corner pages and smudge a few words. I look forward to these times. It feels good to be with someone who is unafraid of how real they are.

You see, I must see you for who you are. Don’t spend your time trying to be something you aren’t for me. Just be you. I will love you for all the wonderful ways you work, no matter how different they are to mine. I only ask you do the same for me. That one day as I lay next to you, curled up on your chest, I’ll have all these things to say to you. I’ll have all these wonderful notations to make about you as I run my fingers through your hair.

My love, the future is in sight and now more than ever, before our adventure begins, I have all these things to say to you.

26.04.20