28 Struggle

Fair Warning: this may be a sob story Edit: it is a sob story

This may have been the most depressing New Years "celebration" I've gone through in my 28 years of living.

I, like I imagine most people do at some point, am struggling with the inevitability that is time.

And I know what you're going to say, "Oh but you're only 28, you're still young, you have your whole life ahead of you" and blah blah blah. I don't mean to dismiss your niceties however, and I mean this in the least condescending way possible, I truly have heard them all before.

And it's not like I don't heed those words of encouragement, I really do, and rationally I know that I am still young, two years off of 30, 22 years off of 50 and I see people who are in their fifties now and even remember when my parents were in their fifties and all those people are still energetic and can do things (albeit maybe a bit slower as I'm sure they'd even acknowledge themselves).

While rationally I know I still have plenty of time it's irrationality that the struggle stems from.

This New Year I, unintentionally, took stock of where I'm at in life, I still live with my parents mainly because apartments where I am (if you live in NY you know what I'm talking about) are incredibly expensive and my profession is teacher... which, if you're not in the "biz" I'll give you an insider peek, does not make a ton of money.

My main form of entertainment has and continues to be reading, video games, and anime, and tonight especially I felt like I was just wasting my life away, although I do believe if you're able to take care of yourself then you should be able to enjoy whatever you want (as long as you're not hurting others).

There's this company that used to post video game, comedy, podcast, and variety content that I used to watch called Rooster Teeth. That company shut down in 2024. And when I heard the news I was devastated. I found that company in 2011 when I was in 8th grade so I had been a long time fan of them and their content. I don't know if you have a comfort show, or podcast, or book, or anything like that but they were that for me. I could come home after a bad day at school, an argument with my parents, a breakup, anything really and I could just sit and listen to these people make jokes and play games and it would change my day instantly.

Recently, I have been watching their content again (old stuff still up on YouTube) for nostalgia purposes and I came across a related video made by two of the guys from the company on their new channel. They spent an hour walking around the old Minecraft world that the group had made hundreds of videos in. This damn video brought me to actual tears. These two guys who I grew up with were going around reminiscing and the sad part is they couldn't remember half the stuff they saw in the world meanwhile I could name every video as soon as I laid eyes on the building they had from it.

Their not knowing really hit me and forced me to come to the realization that that whole section of my life, thirteen whole years of it, had come to a close.

And now I'm 28 and what do I have to show for it? I've yet to leave anything of impact like that company did, they have this whole archive of videos that they made to prove they were here and to continue to bring joy to millions of people around the world, and me?

I have my books, I play my video games, I talk to the same 4 friends (whom I love very deeply) but that is not the only impact I want to have. I want, more like need, to leave something behind to prove I was here and to make a difference years down the road where even I forgot I did something, but that thing could have changed the world to someone else like those stupid videos did for me.

But for some irrational reason I feel like if I don't accomplish that by age 30 then I've just thrown my whole life away and man 30 felt so far away at 25 but now at 28 its a struggle.

And before I attract the attention of any motivational speaker or stoic bro that might be reading this, yes, I know that that change starts with me, I control my own destiny, I have to be consistent and build discipline and I will try to.

Anyway, thank you for coming to my pity party, I hope you all enjoy your new year, pour one out for the old self you're leaving in 2025.