It's Just a Selfie
Before and After
It's just a selfie. A vein, shallow representation of myself. Me. Me. Me. I. I. I.
That was the summer I left my ex-husband. The summer after I actually buckled down and lost some of the weight I’d been carrying around.
He’d wanted me to be 110 lbs “soaking wet,” he'd say.
My anemic body shivered each night from too many calories going out and too few going in.
“I want to see your cheekbones.” He’d say, unemployed as I weighed myself in the mornings before heading to a double-booked day in the salon.
I want you to look like a trophy wife, he’d say. Head in his phone, playing a mobile game as I prepared supper after I came home.
It's just a selfie, but it was one month after I opened my own salon. A place where I could wear what I wanted, and be myself, and work with people I liked in an environment I curated myself.
It's just a selfie, but I took that two months before one of my best friends would be found dead. Shot in the back of her head. Her boyfriend would hide in a motel 8 for three weeks. Her boyfriend would plead not guilty and claim she shot herself in the back of her head. He isn't a violent person but there's footage of him dangling his own child upside down threatening to drop him. He isn't a violent person, he was acquitted but he's in jail once again for a similar crime.
It's just a selfie but I took it three months before I was brutally assaulted, and suffered two rotator cuff injuries and a torn LCL. Before I would have to use a motorized cart to go shopping. Before I’d spend the next year self medicated on the couch. Before I knew it would be two years before I could even take walks regularly again.
It's just a selfie, but it was taken six months before my team of stylists would be hired for a disastrous event in LA. We would spend three weeks fluffing Christmas trees and unwrapping silverware. We would spend a grand on pot. We would get high every night and begin our days with yoga videos we found on YouTube. We would attend a surprise Kanye West concert that would be immortalized on Amazon Prime. We would barely miss our flight and spend almost an entire day in LAX wishing we were back home.
It's just a selfie, but it was a year before I would take on instructing at a Paul Mitchell Cosmetology School. Everyone thought it was really impressive but truthfully the salon wasn't making enough money to survive on. I would work 70 hour weeks for the next 9 months.
It's just a selfie, but it was taken eighteen months before my best friends were stationed back in Virginia and we'd have an opportunity to live our hippie commune lives the way had always dreamed. We rented a huge house with a pool and for a year and a half we'd raise our children together. We'd share meals, movie streaming accounts and laugh so hard I peed, and we’d go on hikes together.
It's just a selfie but it was taken three years before my life would change all over again when I met the man I am with today. Before I’d met the man who has more green flags than red. The man who bought me my ‘future best sellers mug.’ The man who hugs me when I'm sad and feeds me when I'm hungry. The man who makes sure all of my needs are taken care of before his own.
It's just a selfie, but I don't remember her anymore. I don't count my calories, or give my time to things and people who don't serve me. I don't take the people in my life or my health for granted. I don't equate success with the measurement of my waist, the amount I have in my bank account or the likes on my Instagram posts.
It's just a selfie, but I took it and it is mine. A reminder of who I was before, and who I am today.
About the Creator
L.K. Rolan
L.K studied Literature in college. She lives with her handsome, bearded boyfriend Tom and their two cats.
They all enjoy cups of Earl Grey tea together, while working on new stories and planning adventures for the years ahead.
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Comments (20)
Well deserved Runner Up!🤩 So glad you’ve come through all those turbulent times. Really liked: “ It's just a selfie, but I don't remember her anymore.” & positive conclusion.✅
Wow, L.K! This is incredible. Congratulations!! You have been through so much. Your story brings a whole new perspective to selfies. Brilliant. ❤️
Congratulations on the win!! It takes courage to write about things like this from your life.
Wooohooooo congratulations on your win! 🎉💖🎊🎉💖🎊
What a roller coaster ride! It sounds like the woman in the first selfie had to go through a lot to get to be the woman in the second. I love how you captured that moment of self reflection when you look back on an old photo of yourself and see all the milestones, heartbreaks, and triumphs that person is about to experience. Congratulations on a well deserved recognition!
Congrats on placing in another challenge, Lauren! You're acing these and I'm happy to see the Vocal Team are recognising your work. I remember reading this story a few weeks ago (read it again now). It may be short, but it packs a lot of the feels. I hope everything is good for you now, and I hope it stays great.
Congratulations on this totally honest and open expose on yourself. I like the way you used one picture to gauge the time in your life. I absolutely adore this piece
Woohoo, so glad to see this in the winner's circle! Congrats, LK, for sharing so much! So glad they gave this some kind of accolade, though it could easily have won in my book! :)
Incredible essay, I loved this so much!
This is lovely; you've been through so much and come out victorious! Amazing. Also, very well written.
Im going to be that guy and reference the proverb that a picture is worth a thousand words... had you not shared the story we wouldnt have known the depths of your courageous spirit! sorry for all you have persevered through and glad you got out the other side! this was an eloquent and candid read that was also incredibly inspiring!
An incredible journey and life lesson. It is great that the we get to see the story behind your no just a selfie.
This is - not - just a selfie - it’s a smoldering reclamation. A sly wink at the world that tried to break her, a timestamp of battles fought and won. Behind the lens lies a woman who starved for love, bled for freedom, and rose from the ashes dripping with self-made glory. It’s not - just - a selfie - it’s a middle finger, a love letter, and a battle cry rolled into one.
That is a really cool take on different things that happened in the life of the photographed! I love the before and after pictures and if this is you, I am so sorry that you went through what you did, but you had the strength to push through all of those thing and become a remarkable writer and person!
Bravo!!! Speechless...
That's a powerful, painful story. I'm so glad you came out the other side. Well done!
This is a testament to the human spirit's capacity for growth and healing. It resonates deeply, reminding us that our past experiences, no matter how painful, contribute to the person we become. Thank you for sharing.
It's a lovely shot, and the layers of stories just make it better and better. I LOATHE pictures of me, unless I take them myself. I'm terribly vain and I know my best side 😂
Thank you for sharing your story with us. You are a very strong woman.
This is just a comment, but I'd like to thank you for sharing your story with us. 📱