Woof

It was five thirty in the morning, and I could hear my alarm going off. I reached over to hit the snooze, but all I hit was carpet. As I banged the carpet, I also realized that, for some reason, my fingers were missing. I opened my eyes and realized that something was very, very wrong. First, I was not in my bed, but on the floor. Second, my hand that had reached for the alarm was not a hand. It was a paw.

The alarm kept going, and I could hear someone mumbling. Suddenly, a loud “thwack” and the alarm was silent.

“What the hell?” I heard in the dark. It was my voice, but I hadn’t spoken. “Mom? Mom, where are you?”

I managed to struggle to my feet. There were two extra feet and no hands. I looked down, and despite the darkness, I could see there were four white paws, dog feet. I had dog feet! I also had a penis. I looked up and saw my human body sitting up in the bed. My face was full of fear with wide eyes and gaping mouth.

“Woof,” I said. My face looked over at me. I walked over to the side of the bed. I had been sleeping at the foot on the floor. I put my head on the lap of my body. My face stared down at me.

“Holy… Mom?”

“Woof,” I said, again.

Paddy and I had switched bodies. A head popped up from the other side of the bed. George.

“Woof all you want. You know humans can’t understand us,” he said. “If you have to pee, you just have to go pee, but whatever you do, shut up. I’m trying to sleep.”

“George? What happened? Do you know what happened?” I asked, panicked.

“You’re dreaming, Pad. It’s early, go back to bed,” and he rolled over and went back to sleep. Stupid dog. He’d much rather pee in the house than try to communicate that he needed to go outside. Paddy was good about waking me up, the human me, and letting me take him outside. George, well, was George.

I turned back to my human form and “woofed” again. As Paddy began extricating himself from the covers, I backed out of his way as he swung his legs over the edge of the bed. I knew from experience that my body was good at kicking someone in the head who might be in the way. He fumbled with the lamp, trying to turn it on.

“Turn the little black knob thingy,” I woofed at him.

“What?” he asked.

I took my now extremely long nose and shoved it up under the lampshade to show him the knob. It took him a minute to figure it out there in the dark, but he managed to get the light on. I jumped up on the bed beside him.

“Wow, I’ve got some serious muscles in these thighs!” I nudged George, who snored and kicked at me.

“You can’t wake him,” Paddy said in my voice. “He sleeps dead.” He smacked him on the butt as he spoke. George snorted in protest but slept on.

I turned to the mirror that hung on the wall over the dresser. There I was. Paddy, incarnate. Paddy was a greyhound, so I had these long skinny legs, enormously muscular shoulders and thighs, and this incredibly skinny and very long nose. My ears stood straight up. My face was white but the rest of me was coated in in his soft, brindle hair. He really was a beautiful hound. It was funny, looking at Paddy’s face with his head cocked to the side like a typical dog and realizing it was me. I was Paddy now.

I “woofed” at Paddy again, and he sat there thinking for a minute.

“I’ll bet you have to pee,” he said. He’d know. He probably had to pee a few minutes ago. “Hmmm, it would appear that I have to pee as well. Let’s see if I can manage this.”

He walked into the bathroom where he had seen me go hundreds of times. Watching him working the opposable thumbs thing was quite funny. I snorted. He gave me a dirty look.

“Ok, you’ve been doing this for how long? I’ve been doing it for 5 minutes.” He managed to take care of business without making a mess. “Ok, um, I’m wet. What do I do?” He looked at me, embarrassed. Paddy was always very sensitive about bodily functions. I walked over to him and nosed the toilet paper. He took the sheet and pulled. And pulled. And pulled. I barked. He stopped.

“I guess this is enough, yeah?”

“Woof.”

He managed to get his clothes pulled back up, and he walked to the front door. I went over to George and bit him on the foot to get him going.

“We’re going outside. Come on, sleepy head. No peeing in the house for you today,” I laughed at him.

“What? Out? Now? Ok.” He hopped down off the bed and trotted ahead of me into the foyer, smashing me into the door frame on the way. I don’t know why I was surprised. He did the same thing every morning, running over Paddy to beat him to the door.

We got to the door, and Paddy had the leashes ready. He knew exactly what to do and where to go. George peed the minute we walked out of the apartment. We got to the dog park, which is where we go at our apartment, and he let us off our leashes. George immediately took off running and running and running. I’ve watched them run so many times, but this time, I got to run. I was so very fast. I blurred by George, who was trying to catch me to bite me. I turned around the oak tree in the middle of the park and ran the full circle at least four times before running back to my body.

“Mom, you gotta pee, don’t you?” Paddy asked.

I was panting hard after my run, and yes, I really had to pee. I looked around and looked up at him. I couldn’t pee outside, in public. I was mortified. And I was a boy!

“Go pee!” Paddy laughed. How many times had I yelled those very words at him?

I grumbled back and walked over to some bushes. I tried to lift my leg, but I wasn’t quite as coordinated as he in his body. I managed to pee on my foot. I shook it off. He laughed.

“Mom, is that you?” George asked as he came to sniff my “spot.”

“Yes, George, Paddy is in my body, for some reason,” I replied.

“Dude! That’s cracked!”

“Cracked?” I asked, but he’d already taken off to run some more. Crazy mook.

“You probably have to poop, too, Mom,” Paddy said. He was gentle when he said it. If I thought I was mortified before…

I wandered behind some bushes and did my business. It was awful. George managed to do some business as well. I walked over to Paddy, waiting for him to pick up after us. It was the rule to pick up after your dog. He just stood there. I woofed at him.

“What?” he asked.

“Woof.” I replied.

“Are you ready?”

“Woof.” I said again, walking over to the garbage can with the pick-up bags.

“No, I am not picking that up. That’s disgusting.”

I woofed at him again and growled a little. I grabbed one of the bags with my teeth, and they just rolled out behind me. There must have been ten bags unrolled by the time I got over to him.

“Mom!” he said. His voice was whiney. Did I really sound like that? I suppose I did. In any event, he took the bags and picked up after us, stomping and grumbling as he went. It was hilarious watching him tie up the bags. Opposable thumbs. Once he was finished, he got our leashes back on and started walking us back to the apartment.

I heard a bark. It was Dexter and Michelle. Dexter was a longhaired Dachshund. Michelle was his mom. Í went straight up to Michelle and leaned against her, woofing at her over and over.

“Hey, Paddy, how are you buddy?” she said as she scratched behind my ears. It felt so heavenly, her touch. She stopped scratching, and I head butted her hand. She started scratching again.

“Hey, Lori, how’s it going?” she asked Paddy.

“Well, um, you aren’t going to believe this, but I’m not Lori,” Paddy said.

Michelle raised her eyebrow at him. “Yeah, ok,” she laughed at him.

“Aunt Michelle, I’m Paddy. Mom’s in my body.”

She looked down at me and back up at him and laughed hysterically. I woofed at her. George ignored us all.

“Aunt Michelle, I’m serious,” he said, whiney voice back.

I woofed again, but she wasn’t having any of it. I jumped up so that my paws were on her shoulders, something Paddy would never have done, ever.

“Paddy, what are you doing? Get down!” Michelle yelled at me.

“Mom!” Paddy yelled at the same time. I turned over my shoulder to look at him, woofed, and turned back to Michelle’s face. I licked her, all over her face.

“What the hell?” she said. Paddy would never jump on her nor would he ever deign to lick anyone’s face. She grabbed my face and looked into my eyes.

“Lori?”

“Woof.”