Why I’ll Never Ever Hire a Vampire to Dog Sit (Again!)

At a first glance, Vladimir seemed fit for the job.

He had “decades of experience raising bats” and a profile picture of his favorite pet bat Don Juan to compliment. While bats definitely were an unusual type of pet than your typical dog, he seemed like an animal lover.

And, bonus, he was available on short notice.

The only issue was he would have to walk my dogs at night due to a medical condition that made him allergic to sunlight. “No biggie”, I thought to myself. I really don’t care what time my dog goes out for a walk, as long as he gets one every day.

So I booked Vladimir for the job and finished packing for my last-minute work trip.

The next morning my doorbell rang at 7 AM sharp, per my request. I opened the door to find Vladimir, parasol in hand with his bat Don Juan on his shoulder. He was EAGER to come inside and get out of the sun.

As I invited him in and shut the door something rather large on his car caught my eye. I was taken aback by what appeared to be an 8-foot coffin tied to the top of his car?!

“Vladimir, why is there a coffin tied to your car?” I asked.

He replied, “Oh that’s just my bed - I bring it everywhere. I can't sleep comfortably without it.”

“Well that’s kinda creepy”, I thought to myself as I shut the door.

But I try my best not to judge someone by their appearance or personal preferences. Plus, I was only leaving for a couple of nights and had cameras in the house, so I figured nothing too bad could happen.

I gave Vladimir a quick tour of the house and a rundown of my dog's feeding, bathroom, and exercise needs. Like every dog Mom, my other major request was for Vladimir to send me selfies with my girl Paris while I was gone.

He assured me he understood ALL the instructions and would call if he needed anything else, so off I went in my Uber to the airport.

I didn’t hear anything from him until a little after sunset. *Ding* my phone went, notifying me of a message. Vladimir sent what I thought was a selfie with the caption, “We're enjoying the night!”

Oddly, I couldn’t see Vladimir in the photo, just my dog Paris and Don Juan standing mid-air side about seven feet above my dog. A bit confusing, as I didn’t see Don Juan standing on anything … maybe he was just hovering?

Either way, it was late, I had just tucked myself into bed, so I texted back, “Cute. But where are you? Have a good night.”

Although working and busy, it was weird, I didn’t hear from Vladimir until almost 24 hours later. This time he sent me a photo of my dog outside by the garden. But again Vladimir was nowhere to be seen.

It was odd because these photos totally seemed like selfies, except he wasn’t showing up in any of them!

Then, as I looked closer at the photo I couldn't help but notice all the garlic in my garden bed was thrown out and scattered all over the ground.

I texted back asking, "What happened to my garlic bed?!" He mentioned something about another allergy and how the smell almost killed him.

So he pulled it ALL out.

Ugh!

At this point, I couldn't help but think there was something definitely special about Vladimir.

The next morning I decided to check my house cameras to see what was *really* going on and if everything was okay.

As soon as I turned on the camera, BAM! I couldn't believe my eyes.

There swirling around on the camera was what appeared to be a TON of bats, ripping through, room-to-room like mini tornados.

Vladimir was nowhere in sight, again!

I mean come on, I asked him not to leave the doors open after sunset. Thankfully my work trip was only a two-night stay and I’d be home in the morning.

Walking in the door the next day everything seemed fine, at first.

But as I entered the kitchen I was horrified! My beautiful brand-new tile floors were fully covered in bat poop, and the foul-smelling guano made me queasy. Totally not cool to leave poo all over someone's house!

Vladimir promised he would clean the floors and apologized about Don Juan and his “friends,” explaining bats are communal animals and hang in groups.

While odd, that wasn't the strangest part. I found my fridge packed full of raw beef liver, which Vladimir explained he got for Paris because dogs are inherently carnivores … so I guess I get it?

Either way, I wanted to pay Vladimir and get him and Don Juan on their merry little way out the door. I asked how he preferred payment.

He remarked with the oddest response of, “Blood, please.”

Aside from pure shock, I wasn’t really sure how I would even do that, so I sent him home with half of my fresh steaks and we called it even.

He was nice enough to rate us as 5-star customers. While he seemed great with Paris and did eventually get the kitchen cleaned, I only rated him 2 stars.

But the worst part of all is now I have to bring Paris in every 6 months to have her canines regularly shaved down.

And she doesn't like her pumpkin sweet potato treats anymore.

She just keeps demanding raw beef liver!