The Understanding

The scene opens in a sunny garden. Cat 1, a tabby mog is sprawled in the mid-afternoon sunshine. On a nearby table, Cat 2, a black female stares intently in his direction. The sunlight is hitting her eyes.

Cat 2: But have you any proof of this at all?

Cat 1: Call it feline intuition.

I just feel it, ya know? In my furballs. They think we're like them . They don't even know it, but that's what they think. It might have something to do with the eyes. They're in roughly the same position as ours. And you know what value they place on eyes.

Cat 2: I'm skeptical. I lean more toward the theory that they require something to worship, and for many, we fill that gap nicely. It has been thus since the time of the Pharaohs, if you remember. I'm basing this on some sound evidence, I'll have you know. I've conducted countless trials and the results are invariably the same. It's a standard test, but if you get a large enough control group, or even a small one over significant time, I think the worship theory has legs. It's a simple test - sleep, or feign sleep, on any given chair desired by a human. They will wake or move you only as a last resort. It's probably not fair, but it's so humourous to see them perching on the edge of a seat rather than wake me.

Cat 1: Mmmmyeah, I'm not so sure about the soundness of your logic there.

He pauses to lick a paw. Cat 2 becomes slightly impatient at this interruption to the flow and issues a mild hiss to make him proceed.

Cat 1: .....I mean, first off, you're assuming that the worship extends to all cats and all humans. Now, granted, that is a fair enough assumption. However, with all due respect, if I tried to occupy a chair in your house, I think I'd be given short shrift.

Cat 2: Yes, of course you would. If the humans are trained correctly, then they will defend my territory every bit as much as I would. People are to Cats as dogs are to people.

Cat 1: Ok.....yes, I guess that makes sense. But I still think they think we are like them. Just smaller, more beautiful, smarter and so on. Also, if you've ever noticed one of them staring down the toilet, they do look just like one of us when we do it.

At this point, Cat 3, who has hitherto remained motionless, partly hidden under a cascade of foliage, stretches a ginger paw with a white sock and speaks.

Cat 3: Gentlecats, if you'll pardon my intrusion, I could hardly help but overhear your discussion. Much as it pains me, I must firmly and unquestionably advise you that you are both WRONG.

Cat 1 and Cat 2 turn and stare at Cat 3. They are speechless.

Cat 3:  You have both made the fundamental mistake of assuming that our humans have the level of intelligence required to fulfill the conditions of your respective viewpoints. I'm afraid I have found absolutely no evidence to support the hypothesis that humans have any level of intelligence above that of say, a mollusc.

At that point, a large snail who happens to be in the shade of a nearby wallflower voices his objection.

Snail: Eh, Cat. That is an insult. I'll be raising this with the Council of the Back Yard.

Cat 3 ignores him completely and continues.

Cat 3: Can either of you give me a concrete demonstration of human intelligence?

He pauses momentarily, but Cat 1 and Cat 2 merely stare at him. Cat 2 twitches her left ear.

Cat 3: Let me tell you a story. This morning, I spent a full meowment (14 human minutes, equivalent to just over one cat hour) trying to instruct my human to deliver food into my receptacle. I lost count of the number of times I repeated the instruction. I walked to and fro from the receptacle. I gave the signs of the raised tail and I even did the paw on thigh sign. Zero response.  (He pauses for effect) Zero.

Cat 1 and Cat 2 are looking a little shocked.

Cat 2: You mean to tell me that your human did not respond to the paw on thigh? Tell me, is it still alive? You know the way they sometimes stop being alive.

Cat 3: (Impatiently) Yes, yes the thing is still bloody alive. It just sat there tapping on that stupid light box with buttons, ignoring me. So I think that conclusively throws your worship theory out the window. And as for thinking we're like them, that would clearly depend on the operative 'thinking' being functional in some way, which it CLEARLY isn't.

Cat 2 shuffles a little in her upright position. This is a lot to take in. Cat 1 stares into space, and then speaks.

Cat 1: Oooooh, oooh! I've got it! I know why they like us.

Something we can do that they can't. Something that only we can give them.

Cat 2 and Cat 3 look at him with a mixture of skepticism and curiosity.

Cat 1: Furballs.

*****Curtain*****