The Dog I Loved the Most

He was a miracle pup.

His mom was a rescue

A Sharpei mixed breed dog. Long story short, my neighbor abandoned her when he moved out. Not only that, but he left her locked inside the fence. I found a way to feed her and, eventually, she figured out how to escape and would go in and out, waiting for him to come back.
He never did. So, when I moved in with my then-partner, I took her with me. Did I just confess to stealing a dog? Well, feel free to call the cops on me.

Anyways…

A few months later, she gave birth to a single pup. That’s right! Just one! He was his mother’s spitting image up to the last wrinkle. I named him Burno.
It was fascinating to watch mother and pup cozy up all day long. I loved him instantly. But then, he got sick.

Taking Care of a Puppy

We thought we had gotten him adequately vaccinated, but later on, we learned we shouldn’t have trusted that particular vet.
Turns out he had parvovirus.
Yes, that is one word that will strike fear in any knowledgeable dog owner. It is a disease that, unless you provide the necessary care, can quickly kill your pet.

At the time, there weren’t any specialized animal clinics in my Mexican border town, so I took him to a different vet who prescribed fluids. Since Burno would require intensive, constant care, the vet taught me to administer the fluids subcutaneously. I know, so fascinating!

So, every few hours, I would grab him and make sure he received the life-saving treatment. I barely slept and would sometimes cry, thinking I was going to lose my pup.
In the end, he made it, and I truly believed I was going to get to have this dog by my side for years to come.
I was wrong.

Making Choices

When Burno was sick, I invested lots of time and a decent amount of money in saving him. For some, it would have been better to euthanize him. Unfortunately, it is a choice I have had to make in the past when any of my dogs has reached that point.
It’s a decision I do not take lightly.

However, with this puppy, I could see I just had to be willing to devote some effort to make him better. I had no regrets.

However, my then-partner thought I had invested too much in healing a sick dog, and he let me know. Now that so many years have passed, I can realize the absurdity of his comments. After all, I invested my time and my money. Maybe he would have preferred I invested them in him? Was he perhaps jealous of the attention I gave to this puppy?

I didn’t want you to worry.

My puppy grew up and became a beautiful walking collection of wrinkles. He had a loud bark and was loving to us.

At the time, I would work all afternoon and come back at night, and my then-partner didn’t have a job. Therefore, he was usually in charge of taking care of the dogs.

On a particular weekend, when I was there to help with the feeding, I noticed Burno didn’t come. I called out for him, but he wouldn’t run to me as usual. It was then when my now ex told me. " Oh, he hasn’t been eating that well all week. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to worry. "


I looked for Burno all over the place, and when I found him, I could see he had a nose bleed and would barely move.

I grabbed him and took him to the vet. She said he must have bumped his nose into something, gave him a vitamin K shot, and told me to call her if he didn’t improve. But, as hours went by, the nosebleed persisted, and then I noticed that there was even some blood in his urine.

I called the vet, and she said she didn’t have any more vitamin K to give him, so she recommended I found another vet to provide the treatment. Since it was the weekend, this was quite challenging, but I eventually succeeded.It made no difference.

If You Have To Go

As the hours went by and night fell on us, I started to fear Burno wasn’t going to make it. What had happened to him? I found myself asking him to please hold on so I could take him to yet another vet in the morning. Maybe he could still be saved.

He would try to get up and walk, but then he would collapse. He clearly was in a lot of pain. I looked at him and found myself saying through tears, " If you have to go, go. It’s okay. "

I do not expect non-dog people to believe me, but he let out a deep sigh, and his whole body relaxed.
A couple of hours later, he passed away.
A Dent in Our Souls

Sometimes I still feel guilty. I sense I could have done more, tried harder…something. Nowadays, when I drive around town, and I see the new fancy animal clinics that have become the trend, I cannot help but wonder if having access to that kind of veterinarian care back then would have helped me save him. Probably, but it makes no difference now, does it?

As to what happened to him, later on, I found out that, in the past, my now ex had rats in his house, so he placed some pellets of poison here and there. When I moved in with him, they remained. Eventually, we found some of those pellets partially chewed.

I don’t think my then-partner wanted Burno to die; in fact, he seemed quite sad. However, I must confess I do sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had been able to take Burno to the vet when his symptoms first started and, yes, invest some of my time and money in trying to make him better. That would have been my choice to make, but I wasn’t given the chance.

And, as silly as this may sound to some people, in a way, this pup felt like my first child. I watched him grow, made sure he was safe and stayed up at night tending to him when he was sick. And then, I had to watch him die, powerless to do anything but cry about it.
His loss hit me so hard that, even though I have had other dogs and cared for them deeply, I have never again allowed myself to love them as I did with Burno.
I have recovered, of course, and he might have been " just a dog, " but his sudden departure left a permanent scar in me. So I guess that, just as some people change us forever, our pets can also make a dent in our souls, never to be fully healed.