The Breakthrough

Ptsd is complicated, and navigating life alone can feel heavy. Options are slim. The military offers medication and therapy. But when you can't speak about it, how can you address it? And let's face it, medication, although helpful, can seem like avoidance. What about a service dog? Basically a dog trained to walk with you through life. Help you with the symptoms and harsh realities of life living with PTSD or MST ( post traumatic stress disorder or military sexual trauma).

Well I have both and lets just say some days and some nights are like heightened nightmares. Heightened because the events and horrors within actually happened to me and still feel very real. I've tried medicine and therapy for many years. Being a very timid person and at one point even afraid of dogs, I was skeptical about how I could have a dog and be in charge. As luck would have it I happened upon a facebook post about puppies. All the people in my city were looking for dogs at the height of the pandemic. Call it loneliness or boredom It seemed like the thing to do. I was trolling the comments and laughing at some of the disasters within and then saw something I had only dreamed about. A woman had a litter of blue pit bulls. 'Little backstory'

(When I was a little girl around 8 in foster care, I was walking to my babysitter's house and was chased and almost bitten by a pit bull, a blue pit bull. One of the scariest moments of my life. I was terrified of dogs for years but couldn't get over just how beautiful this dog was that chased me down the street. She was grey and large and had the most amazing shine. As terrified as I was, I wanted her to be mine.)

Fast forward back to the facebook post. I clicked on the woman's profile and jumped right in her inbox. The message read " Hi my name is Randi. I saw your name mentioned in a post and then saw your puppies. Are there any still available?" This was a litter of 11 and she replied she had 3 males and 2 females left. I prefer female dogs because of their protective character and they don't hump everything. Side note; I had a male dog that humped everything. I asked how much the females were and honestly couldn't afford them. I expressed that with everything going on that was outside of my budget. She asked how much I could afford, I told her and she said she would talk it over with her husband. Moments later she said I could have the last pick female for that amount. However ended up asking me which pup I wanted anyway. I picked the little grey one with a white heart on her head and named her Brice.

I went to see Brice the next day. She was born on may the 4th. For all the Star Wars fans out there you understand this was a big deal and only made me love her more. Her middle name is Leia by the way. I went to visit once a week until she was 6 weeks old and was given her shots and able to come home with me. I was so happy I cried all the way home. We took pictures every day. I was so happy.

A week or so later I got really sick. Not with covid but something else. I started what seemed like a normal period but it didn't stop, not after 7 days not after a month. In fact it went on for two and a half months. I was unable to get off the couch, I was unable to breathe. Brice laid on my legs on the couch the whole time. occasionally walking up to my chest, licking my face and then going back to my legs. I was wearing adult diapers for weeks because I was bleeding too heavily for a normal heavy or super pad. I was bleeding through everything I tried to wear.

I had started practicing yoga weeks before and one day three weeks into the bleeding I went to stand up and got so dizzy I couldn't move and fell back down. That was the last day I even attempted to be social. One day 2 months in I was in such bad shape I mustered up the energy to go to the ER. After months of communicating with my doctor and getting no help at all I knew I needed help. It also helps that I developed an allergic reaction to a medication I was on , otherwise I might have waited a little longer to go. Thank the universe I did because after triage and some blood work I was immediately offered a transfusion. The doctors couldn't believe how low my hemoglobin was, neither could I. Over the next few weeks I would get more blood transfusions and iron injections.

The cause of the bleeding was never found but I did get better. Brice got more distant after. She moved on to exploring and tearing things up around the house. My shoes and clothes, normal puppy stuff. Every pair of leggings I owned had tiny little puppy teeth marks in them and I still wore them all. Over the next few weeks I thought about how well Brice reacted to me not feeling well and How comforting it was to have her with me that way. I started doing some research and found a program that would train your personal dog to be a service dog. Most programs prefer to use a breed and dog of their own choosing.

Unfortunately Brice was too young and we had to wait. Upon her first birthday brice was spayed and now old enough to be evaluated for the training. To be honest I was nervous. My pup is energetic and stubborn, how was she gonna do at this eval. I made the appointment with the veterans program coordinator that does the evaluations and training. We met at a park and he asked me to leave brice in the car at first and we talked. The first thing he asked me to do was to relax. He could see how nervous I was and He assured me I had nothing to worry about. He then asked me to go and get Brice from the vehicle and bring her over.

Brice Jumped out of the car and darted in his direction. Lots of pulling and energy and would not listen to me trying to calm her down. He took the leash from me and once again told me to calm down. I took a few deep breaths and tried to relax. He immediately was able to get my pup to settle. She did not jump on him and did not pull from him after a few quick corrections. I was shocked, I had not seen her behave in such a way, especially with a stranger. We walked over to a grassy area and we went through a few exercises. Brice didn't do great but she didn't do awful either. In the end he agreed to help me train her as he believed she would make a good fit for the program. I was so happy I once again started to cry. We set the date and time for the future sessions and we parted ways.

The following week we met up and began training. Training is hard, I am the one doing the work and he is simply showing me how to train my own dog. The assertiveness and calm required for the work is hard and the time and energy it takes is also difficult. Brice learned some great behaviors and tricks and started to become more obedient. However we were still struggling with our walks and some of the commands and after almost a month of training I was becoming discouraged. I asked my trainer if I should have Brice with me during therapy sessions. As the aroma released during times of stress and discomfort are those I need her familiar with in order to know when to react. He said that was a great idea and that I should have been doing so. And with appointments being virtual it was possible while she was still training.

For me, most of my episodes or breakdowns are at night or during the day when I'm away from Brice. So she doesn't get the chance to sense those emotions. And times when I have been upset around her she didn't seem to notice. I had a therapy session coming up a few weeks after this conversation after a horrible mix up with some paperwork through the Va. My therapist and I had some catching up to do as I hadn't had therapy in months. So to prepare for my session I got comfortable in a nice corner in my room and asked brice to come sit with me. She did not obviously lol. She walked around like she hadn't been in my room before and sniffed everything she could.

My session started and I informed my therapist that my pup would be attending the session. The noise got Brices attention and she came back over to me and got all in my face. She started pulling at her leash in an attempt to play tug of war with me, she was not in any mood to sit and listen to me talk. However per my training I ignored her and continued with my session. I started to cry while talking about something painful for me with my therapist. Brice was walking around me from one side to the other and then laid down got comfortable and went to sleep!. Head on my knee and all, snoring very loudly. She was not at all fazed by my discomfort or tears.

To be honest I was hurt and tried to pay it no mind as I continued with my session. We then started to talk about my father. For most young women your father is the first man you ever love. He cares for you and supports you. Protects you from the world while showing you all the wonderful things a father can teach a daughter. Not mine. My father was the first love of my life, He was also my first. He stole from me at 3 what no man should ever take from a child, especially his child. I became so over run with emotion and despair, my therapist asked where I was in that moment. She said I didn't seem to be with her anymore.

Crying uncontrollably and shaking I barely noticed Brice pop up out of nowhere. Like I had waved a chicken bone in front of her sleeping face. She popped up with a curiosity I hadn't seen in her before. She started sniffing me like I was her favorite treat. From one side to the other. Then my stomach and finally my face. She started licking my tears away and then pushing her cute little head into my chest until I leaned backwards. She then climbed into my lap and twisted her body exposing her belly. I did not touch her belly so she got up and did it again. She pushed her head into my chest and rolled over. This time I rubbed her belly and I looked at her and she was looking at me. I started to talk to her and pet her head and rub her face. I didn't even realize I had started to breathe again. My heart rate slowed down and I was calm. When the tears stopped she got up and went about the room sniffing again. She came back a few minutes later, sniffing my face again. I told her I was ok And she walked away.

After my session I texted my trainer and told him what happened. He said to call him immediately. Once on the phone he said tell me what happened. I went through it step by step and I could hear the excitement and joy in his voice. He was giddy and I was too. I didn't know what it meant but I did know what she did was pretty important. He explained how important it was and that he was so happy it happened like that for me. That it not only showed how capable she was as a companion but that she was ready despite how stubborn and young she is. He told me to watch how things were going to change moving forward and he was right.

We are still in training and she is still stubborn and has the energy of a toddler who doesn't want to take a nap. But she looks at me now before she goes off. And she pays attention to my movements. She will wonder but if I change direction, or if I am not close to her she runs after me. I’m learning to be assertive and I’m becoming a stronger alpha and leader for her and myself. I am more encouraged and hopeful than ever that we will get through this training together and be the best team ever. She is strong and loving and I am strong and capable. Together we will get through this. That day may have felt hard but it was the breakthrough we needed as a team.