Raising My Humans

Raising My Humans

Being a certified rescue dog is never easy, you never know where your next stop will be, if you’ll be loved or used, and for me how easy will the humans be to raise? I’ve been in homes with children, adults and even other dogs and I abhor the latter, they are beasts, unable to grasp my philosophies of raising the humans. Hell I rather hang with a group of cats, they understand that humans are staff, they work for us, not vice versa, but other dogs, incompetent and lazy, in my humble opinion. This time I stumbled into a home with just two humans, both older, but that doesn’t necessarily mean easier, they are set in their ways and I have to start from scratch.

The couple before them had a very rude, at least to me, huge beast of a dog that bullied me so badly, to get away from him I simply hid under the porch for a few years. Now living in the cold of Northern Idaho, my fur grew long and I have to admit I was more than a wee bit shaggy when I met my new humans, but I was still cute as hell, so in my thinking they got really lucky that I was still available. I’ve got to say there wasn’t a lot of perks under the porch, except not having to always pretend I liked the shoe eating monster. How uncouth, chewing on your humans shoes, it’s like he missed and entire year of doggy school, honestly, it was embarrassing to all dogs.

When I first got to my new home I saw my two new humans and the female looked like an easy touch, so I snuggled up to her, I sensed she needed that and gave her what she wanted. I was in, no problem, but the male I wasn’t sure of, he looked pleasant enough, but he wore his hair gray and looked hard to train, but the female and I could work together on him, so I concentrated on her first. I wanted, neigh needed, a certain diet, and I definitely have a sweet tooth so I needed treats, she looked like the one who was the house boss, so I figured I’d get to know her first, then work on the sloth of a male.

So the female was really nice and spoiled me from the get go, she was my main food source and as I got to know her I started to sense she needed me, just as much as I needed her. I hung near her feet at all times, mostly as she sat on the couch. The male used to drop crumbs of food down there anyway, so I vacuumed for him as well, a dogs work is never done. She had some off days and I started to notice a pattern, so when she was down, I’d climb up on the couch and snuggle with her, I also used this as an opportunity to get free petting for numerous hours, dog hours of course, not human hours.

I wasn’t happy when by day two the male picked me up, which I’m sure wasn’t easy for the old fellow, and put me in the tub, the tub, like I was some kind of scruffy mutt, I was a pure bred mutt, and I wasn’t happy, but I do have to report it’s now been three years and they haven’t tried that nonsense again. I was caked with mud and dirt and laughed as they watched half of me clog their drain, heck I’d been under a porch for a few years, what they expect?

After the bath we fell into a sense of normalcy, and being a dog of routine, I made them adjust my feeding times as I saw need. The male made great food, but the female fed me, so I will always be hers first and foremost, though after a while he did start to grow on me. Yet I noticed he blamed a lot of stuff on me as well, mostly farts, which as a lady I don’t do, I fluff like all females. He also played weird games with me, like Ghost Dog, where he threw a blanket over me and I couldn’t see to get out. I don’t have thumbs, so taking the dang thing off was a chore in itself, but I pretended like I enjoyed it for a while, but thank the good lord he hasn’t done that in quite some time.

I’m trying my best not to spoil them, but the female and I are like cookies and milk, we just go together, the male, well he did give me beer once, my first time, but I had a headache the next day and the bubbles tickled my sensitive nose, so the jury is still out on him. I do have a huge yard which allows me to spread my poop around, but the female picks it up, so I try to keep it pretty close together. They also let me out in my front yard, now that’s living. No leash, no collar, it’s the closest I’ve ever been to heaven, and the female does it a lot.

Every now and then, one of the two of them disappears and I have no idea where they go, but they always come back. I don’t mind it so much when the male leaves, but when the female leaves; I’m stuck with the male, by myself, the entire time and the old dude tries my patience. I know he’s giving effort, but let’s not confuse that with results. He’s a talker, I can’t shut him up, and the female says the same thing. And our conversations are like a maze of insanity, I think he needs to go to the brain vet, he’s goofy as all get out.

He literally talks to me about anything and everything and I look at him like I care, but he bores the heck out of me. He talks a lot about ballgames and such, and I’m good at chasing a ball once or twice, but that game becomes redundant very quickly, so I just quit playing, and figure if he wants the ball so bad, why does he keep throwing it? It may be the most inane game of all time, he throws it and I’m supposed to run and get it, I refuse to see a good time there. We have a fire pit out there and I know the female keeps an eye, probably both, on him, so I do my best to channel her and make sure the goof doesn’t hurt himself. That’s all I need, the old fart hurts his self on my watch and the mom lady would never let me hear the end of it.

I’ve been watching the way she treats him and I try to emulate her, she counts his beer and by the time she gets to the thumb, she’s pretty well cutting him off, since I don’t have a thumb, I count to my biggest toe nail and start eyeballing him. He does this thing where he shows me his middle finger, I have no idea what that means, possibly one more, but he seems upset when I act like the female mom lady. I always keep an eye on the fire as well as the gray haired male seems to like fire.

I do have to say he’s generous with his petting and we have our own song, The Valley Road, by Bruce Hornsby and the Range, and he gives me a heck of a pet, not bad for and old dude. I try to position myself between him and the fire to protect him from the flames, but he constantly shoes me away, like he knows what he’s doing, I have to say he’s not that bright. Now the both of them have been calling me an ‘Attention Beggar’ and I actually cleaned the word up they use, but I assure you, I’m only there to help, this isn’t about me.

Now I watch for the suitcase to come out, for I know if that’s coming out, one of them is leaving, and I always hope it’s the male guy. When mom lady and I are together everything is copacetic, we just mellow through the time, the old fellow is always on the move, which makes my job of watching him way harder than it should be. The mom lady and I usually just watch some television, she pets and feeds me often, and we rarely leave the house, and that’s our idea of good living, let me tell you. She lets me up on the couch, in the bed, I pretty much follow her everywhere and even though she acts upset, and she’s quick to chill out.

The only thing the lady mom does that bothers me is the constant grooming thing, I’m a native Idahoan and don’t really care, I’m an outside type of girl, I like the weather, the seasons, sitting in and eating the fresh snow, and yes I know not to eat the yellow snow. It’s like fresh water from God and I always eat my share, it’s one of my favorite things to do. These Californians freak out when they think they leave me out to long, hello, I lived under a porch, and I’m used to this cold stuff.

Crack Egg Out