PaulieRose

I’ve always had a love of dogs….well, not always. I’ve always HAD dogs, but none had meant so much to me as my PaulieRose. The way she came to me was, well, very strange…..but hear me out!

My Memere (my mums mom) passed when I was almost 2, from ovarian cancer on March 17, 1982. I wish I could say that I knew her well, because my mum is so important to me, she would’ve, I can only imagine, been just as close. She passed from ovarian cancer. I don’t think my mum was ever the same, but yet, I was 2 and don’t remember. My mum is such a caring and selfless person….she would give anything for her family and the people she loves and holds dear. I like to think I get my compassionate and caring side from her. As I said in my last post, im a caregiver and hospice is my area of specialty. My mum loves to tell me the story of when my Memere was lying on the couch and I toddled up to her and caressed her face. She then told my mum..”well, it looks like you got one just like you”. This brings me to tears, even as a write now. I guess maybe I DID have a closeness with her. I like to feel that my choices in life, leading up to where I am today, stems from this. My memere knew then who I was, and up until a few years ago what I didn’t know was that…..she STILL knows.

I saw a medium a few years ago..(leave the skepticism behind!) I didn’t know what to expect, or even WHO to expect. I should’ve. My Memere came to me right off...she had been waiting for me. She is my Angel.

Here’s where it takes a turn.

I had bariatric surgery back in 2018, and i’ve done well, down 103 lbs. But it wasn’t always this glamorous! As my weight shifted, so did the need for my med dosages to change. They did NOT. An oversight from doctors that I don’t think were even thinking about it at the time, just that everything else was coming so nicely together. Needless to say, due to my emotional/psychiatric illness/disorder, I fell apart in october of 2019. I dont even know how it happened and why it started, but I started getting signs and messages from the dead….mainly my memere. I took things that were happening, or about to happen, and somehow found ways of thinking that my memere was guiding me, and talking to me. Not just her, but her mainly. I know this seems twisted and unrealistic, but trust me…...for me, and the people I love, it was very real. I had a few other health issues going on, and I really thought I was dying, and that my memere was coming for me and letting me know it was ok. There was a mass on my ovary. I was scared.

And then PaulieRose happened. She was another “sign”, I thought from my Memere (who’s name was Pauline) hence the Paulie…..Rose I just thought was cute. I saw PRs picture online, and she needed a home. I felt an immediate connection with her throught the picture, and she even told me what her name should be… (told u…..I was nuts) I felt that at this point in my life I needed happiness and love, and I truly thought that my Memere had sent PR to me to comfort me. I waited a while before I got PR. But she still haunted me with those eyes…...that sweet sweet face. She had to be mine.

My health, or so I thought started getting better? But now looking back…..I was falling deeper into oblivion and mental sickness.

Thanksgiving came that year….PaulieRose was just 15 weeks old….. And she had given me joy and comfort. But then….Thanksgiving night Paulie got out the front door. I chased her and chased her to the street. She was ahead of me and she stopped…….I dont know why I stopped….but I remember her looking back at me and giving me a bark….to which I responded “Oh, my PaulieRose I love you”. And she ran into the street under an SUV. I heard the noise...the sound of her breaking and her life ending. But, during this time, the pain I was feeling inside that I wasn’t even aware or….sort of….lifted. Im not a monster, really……. Just listen.

I went to the Doctor shortly after that for a follow up appt. The problem I was having and was so scared of dying over, was sudddenly gone. Not even the doctor could explain it. So, my folks…..this is where I say that my Memere, and my PaulieRose saved my life that day.

Maybe she really was sent to me...who knows….but all I know is that nothing but good things came from PaulieRose, and i’ll always love and remember her for such.