My Stash

I was at a point in my life where I didn;t care about any thing or any one. Nothing and no one mattered to me. If there was any thing that was going to happen in my life I was sure it would be nothing but more heartache. Even though I couldn't even imagine how that could happen. After all there really was nothing worse than what I had been through the past few years. The only thing I had to look forward to now was the day when I would exist no more. I longed for that day to come soon.

A few years ago I had lost my best friend to congestive heart failure. She was eighty five years old and had lived a fairly good life. She was the kindest person I have ever known. She was my Mother.

Approximately one year later I experienced a pain that was ten times more hurtful than loosing my Mother. I found my twenty three year old son hanging from a rafter in my garage. It felt like someone literally reached in to my chest and ripped my heart out. It was the most sickening feeling I have ever had.

I was sure God hated me and was punishing me for some thing. Apparently I hadn't been torn apart enough. Six months after I found my son in the garage my oldest son Jes got in to an altercation with some guy he barely knew and shot him. My son was sentenced to three years to life in the state prison.

I gave up. What little money I had in savings went on attorney fees for my son. I lost my house, my car pretty much everything and any thing that was worth any thing. I was broken and there was nothing I could do to fix any of it. I really didn't have it in me to even try.

I bought an old van that ended up not only being my only transportation but my home as well. I got a small mattress threw it in the back along with a bunch of blankets. I put some curtains I had around the windows in the back and a rod across the very back of it to hang some clothes on. Definitely not how I was used to living but it was good enough.

At night I would park the van in the parking lot of a near by truck stop. A lot of other people parked there all the time and slept in their cars or motorhomes so I figured it was alright to stay there. No one ever bothered me which was how I wanted it I didn't need or want any one around me. I just wanted to be alone.

On one of the rare occassions I went in to town one day I ran in to an old friend I hadn't seen for years. It had been snowing all day and she was standing out in front of a store waiting for her boyfriend to pick her up. She explained he was ssupposed to have picked her up over an hour ago but never appeared. Reluctantly I offered to give her a ride home which she quickly accepted. Just as I knew was goingto happen she started asking me all kinds of questions. She had obviously heard about at least some of the things that had happened in my life. I just ignored her questions partly because I had no answers and even if I did I didn't feel like explaining any thing to her or anyone. After a few minutes she got the hint and concentrated on her phone and trying to find her missing boy friend.

We finally got to her house where I planned on just dumping her and leaving. She insisted that I come in if even just for a minute and would not give up until I agreed to come in. When she unlocked the door we were greeted by a beautiful female boxer. She had obviously had puppies not to long ago. She was excited and jumping on me wanting some attention. I have always loved dogs especially boxers. At one time I bred boxers for awhile. I petted her and played with her as I sat in the living room trying to think of a good excuse to get out of there. I felt some thing brush against my leg I looked down and there was a smaller version of the female. I guess he had snuck in unnoticed while I was playing with his mother. He was so cute but I could tell he was not a full bred boxer. Now he wanted some attention which I gladly gave him. His Mom had retreated to another room any way. I picked him up to get a better look at him. He was so cute. Fawn colored like the mother but he had a white star shape on his chest. he was all over the place and all over me. He had so much energy I could hardly keep up with him. When I finally got ahold of him again and set him om my lap his long tail kept hitting me in the face. I was not used to a dog with a tail. Even with the tail he was a really good looking dog and definitely full of it I could feel myself being drawn to this puppy. I didn't want to feel any thing for a puppy or any thing else. I had to go.

As I proceeded to make my exit my friend was telling me that the pup was the last one they had out of a litter of five She asked if I might know someone that would want him. I was at the door now and he was right there chewing on my shoe and tugging at my shoe lace. I told her I really didn't know any one but I would ask around. Her landlord had been getting on her for having two dogs so if she didn't find him a home in the next few days she would have to take him to the animal shelter. I hurried out the door heading towards my van and tripped on the shoe lace the pup had untied. I about fell flat on my face. I got up and quickly got in my van and left. I kept thinking about the puppy while I was driving to the truck stop and then I would remind myself that I didn't want to care what happened to him. I didn't want to care about any thing. It was better that way.If I had no feelings then I couldn't get hurt.

I thought about the pup all night as I lay on the mattress in my van. It was cold and lonely. I thought about how cute and playful he was and how he practically begged for attention. Then I would remind myself I was living in a van. I didn't even have a home for me let alone a dog. From the size of his paws he was going to be a good sized dog too. I tried to put him out of my head but he kept popping back up The thought of him ending upin a cage at the animal shelter almost made me cry. I tossed the pros and cons about him for most of the day. Next thing I knew there I was sitting in my friends driveway thinking I must be crazy.

I put him on the passenger seat in the van but as soon as I got in the drivers seat there he was on my lap slapping me in the face again with that tail. I kept telling myself I would find a home for him. I just didn't want him to go the shelter. I would get rid of him as soon as I could and definitely would not get close to him. He wasn't mine to keep I just wanted to find him a good home and be done with him. I wouldn't even give him a name. Whoever took him to keep could do that. I would just call him puppy.

I got him some food and a couple of bowls for his food and water and headed to my spot to call it a night. During this time puppy had already had three accidents in the van which didn't make me too happy. As soon as I parked at the truck stop I took him out where there was grass so he could do his thing there but all he wanted to do was sniff around and play. This went on for quite awhile until he finally decided to take a pee. I swooped him up and put him on the seat while I got my blankets together for my bed. I made him a bed with one of the blankets on the seat. That lasted about five minutes. He was off the seat and crawling all over me/ licking me and bouncing all over the back of the van. I finally grabbed him and put him next to me under the blanket. He snuggled up to my neck and seemed satisfied where he was at now. He was so soft and warm I decided to let him sleep here he was at . I realized that night how much I missed having contact that felt so good.

He fell off the mattress two or three times during the night. He would wake me up with his cries so I would feel around for him around the edges of the mattress but every time he had managed to get under the mattress and get stuck. Half asleep I would crawl up to the front of the van and turn on the interior lights so I could find him. I also found that he had a few more accidents during the night too. One of them was on the bed which didn't go over well at all .He would look at me with his big brown eyes like "What?"

Well, it has been almost a year and a half since I got Stash aka Puppy. We have been through a lot living in the van but we got through it together. I love him so much and am so happy I went back to get him that day. He is a soldier. He never complains about living in a van but then its all he has ever really known. He is a bit of a Momma's boy probably because he is with me 24/7. For the most part he is just like any other dog except for the fact that he is one of a kind. He is three times as big as the day I got him and still growing. His vet says he is handsome. I thought what an odd word to use for a dog but he's right he is handsome. Stash taught me how to feel and how to love again. Things I thought I would never experience again. He is a gentle giant and loved by every one The only bad thing about Stash is he still has that stupid tail !.