Jay

I first saw "dipstick", as they called him, running full blast with no care, a chip on his shoulder, and enough confidence that made me even question if I was looking at a dog and not a college boy. What sold me on him was his attitude to small children, because my grandmother had all of us grandkids at her house all the time it was a must he was good with children. I had been on the look at shelters for a while, I had lost my previous dog to a FedEx truck. I was looking for that connection I had before, and normal shelter dogs weren't working. Even though he was not being fed well, he was infested with ticks, and these people did not want him he still had spirit. This was also a situation that I felt if I did not take him home with me, he would die. He would ultimately meet the same fate as his mother before him, with a bullet to the head.

It wasn't quite the seamless process that I thought though. I mean I was just a kid at that time, so I’m sure I was picturing a fantasy of girl meets dog and they instantly form an unbreakable bond where the dog does anything girl wants. However, we went through a lot of downs before we found the power in the leash. Our oasis was achieved through hours hooked together by a simple leash. I used a giant belt at first because we were poor and it was long enough. Neither of us cared as long as we were out exploring with each other by our side. Once we found our oasis then my fantasy was actually achieved. It was dog would do anything for girl. I even got him to jump through hoops.

Change comes with time and as I grew up, I could drive us to new places to explore. As my world expanded more boys came into the picture, and our oasis got neglected. Our walks weren’t as often or as long. Soon, I moved and I couldn’t take him with me. Every time I would visit, he would hop around and whine in happiness to go and join me in our oasis again. Sometimes I could, and other times "I don’t have the time." He never held that against me. I think the thing about animals is even though they have a heart that breaks they don't love themselves enough to give up on what breaks it. They love their person more than the pain we cause them.

Once I got my own place and I made sure that they would allow pets I was down the highway to pick up my partner. He was there to greet me as always, hopping around like crazy, I think he even knew this time was for good. The night I stayed at the new place it was just me and him again. He was a protective dog so I always felt safe with him. I only had a bed on the floor at the time, but we didn’t care we were together again. Then when my boyfriend moved his stuff in, it wasn’t one giant happy family as i had envisioned. Jay was a clingy dog, I mean I left him and he didn’t understand why, so I don’t blame him. My boyfriend did not enjoy his clinginess towards me, and couldn’t understand why it didn’t bother me that jay followed me, even to the bathroom. "He just loves me, why would I be upset about someone loving me?"

I was pregnant and honestly, I thought this will prepare me for never being alone again. The boyfriend and I didn’t work out with part of the reasoning being that he couldn’t let go of the love me and Jay shared. It was almost jealousy, or maybe it wasn’t "almost" it just was? My new truth? Jay, I, and a newborn. Jay was good with kids but would he be good with sharing the attention? I think the boyfriend damaged him mentally and he wasn’t the same after. I still loved my Jaydog, but you could just tell that his spirit was dampened a little bit. I worked on trying to bring it back.

Jay was fine with the baby, and I was working out on how to be a mom and still be the partner my dog had always known. Change always hit us hard. Even though he lost some of his attention he never let that make him love me less. Our oasis was definitely almost nonexistent, and even me trying to find a new way of just sitting outside with him, and he tried to let that be enough, it wasn't enough. The loss of adventure is what got to him the most, I think. Even me knowing this I still couldn’t bring myself to juggle the stroller, him and the unknown of what could happen. On our walks before it was just me and him, we could conquer the world that way. How do we conquer the world with a baby?

As baby went to toddler, we had a surprise puppy from my dad. I didn’t want that. I couldn’t say no, it was already paid for. I just knew with all this change a puppy is too far. I think with Jay never being fixed his mind was already starting to alter from all of our years before but this was the final straw for him. We gave it a good shot but nothing was working. No matter how much attention I gave him and lack of attention I showed the puppy he just lost it. His spirit was dark, his attitude was aggressive to everyone and everything, and he had put on a lot of weight over a short amount of time. I knew it was time to make a decision I never thought I would ever have to make.

Our end was on a cold hard floor of an unfamiliar place, with an unfamiliar person telling me what a good owner I was for holding him as he was given the drugs to end his life. She said, "most people just hand the leash off to me and I have to do this alone." After all the years at the end of his leash, I wasn’t about to let the last time be with anyone but me, no matter how guilty and painful it was for me. The vet said I made the right choice but no matter how much time has passed without him I still come home wishing he was here to greet me. Wishing that after a long terrible day, he was snuggled up next to me on the couch.

If you ever wonder about adopting from the shelter, or picking up that stray just know that the connection you crave is achievable no matter what breed, or species. You give them the chance to love you, and they will change your world. Animals are for life, and not because that’s the moral thing to do, but because if you don't use their lifetime to love them, you will have missed out on true unconditional love. The true meaning of an animal's life is to show you true love is unconditional and no matter the type of person you are, or the type of mistakes you make, if they can love you, you can love yourself.