I Don't Want Her Back

AS I was cleaning another carpet our covid puppy peed on, I listened to her high pitch bark, and tensed. Our family dog Sammy was getting older and in desperate times of Covid, we added an addition.

Peppa, just like Sammy peed and chewed everything imaginable and was literally a nightmare, no one could handle her, we were already stressed. We joined virtual training classes, nothing was working other than her sleeping. No one in the house could handle Peppa but they loved her, I wasnt so sure. Bootcamp was arranged.

I was unraveling quickly; I had been running from my life for so long and the pandemic gave me no choice but to stay still. I was accustomed to being home having MS, accept I wasn’t alone. No parties to plan, no trips to escape my lies, no more living as an actress, my time was coming. My past is a complicated one of trauma that I suppressed. It’s an extraordinary and tragic story of survival and yet I sit here with chipmunk cheeks smiles on repeat and with my Peppa.

I was filled with dread en route to pick her up from boot camp and in the midst of an MS attack. Once I was seated, they brought this sweet whimpering puppy to me and I saw her listen to commands and was confused, I felt differently, I felt like I was working with her not against her, this became part of my wake up.

Peppa and I became inseparable, everywhere I went, Peppa came, it’s as if she knew I needed her. One-night while we were hugging, I felt a tug in my chest that was familiar, but I couldn’t place it, it was a physical pull, overwhelmed I realized it was love... I did not understand unconditional love because to me, all love came with conditions and that meant pain.

I knew I was being unfair to my family; I was physically present, but my spirit was dimmed. This profound discovery joined with terrifying memories of my abuse took me inward and I shut down. Peppa was beside my side with her reassurance. I reached out to friends that were doctors and therapist and I flatly denied but they all agreed I was suffering from PTSD, it was getting worse now that I knew what was coming. The memories that both haunted and hunted me would eventually catch me. If I didn’t do something severe my daughter would end up also living as a puppet to societal expectations. Thank you Peppa...

It scared me so severely I went to a trauma center and when we looked at my timeline of life, I started connecting the dots and it became a Sherlock Moment, I figured out why everything happened for me, not to me, but for me so that I could be the passionate resilient woman I am today, I am an example to inspire others facing adversity and I owe that to Peppa for she barked her way into my heart to expand it.

Covid took and destroyed many lives, yet it saved mine and I truly give so much credit to my Peppa. She will be 2 on Valentine’s Day and typing that gives me instant tears because there could be no better birthday for this angel that taught me the feeling of unconditional love. My daughter benefits from this more than anyone, as does the world, but most of all I do, because I am in love with myself all thanks to my Peppa.