I found her

I exhale, I breathe, and I live. I used to end that with, I endure, I am not enduring today, today I am living and I plan to live my days as me. I am on a little getaway in a glass container in the woods and for a woman with PTSD that’s umm more than brave that could almost be considered insanity. I push myself now, no, I push through, over and under the fears that present themselves to me. I did a little happy dance when I got here because I am so proud of myself, everything has been done for me for so many years and even checking into hotels sometimes made me anxious but I did it.

I don’t even know if you would call this the forest, I don’t know the difference between forest and woods, isn’t it the same? Does it matter? No, you get the point, I’m surrounded by nature and nothing but my music (I figured that out this morning) my coffee and the squirrels getting their breakfast outside my window, actually the only thing separating us is glass, that’s how submerged in nature I really am. I hope my crazy morning hair doesn’t scare them!

There are no mirrors in this container, I realized that last night and I wonder if it was an oversight or was it deliberate? God, I am really hoping it was deliberate. My appearance no longer matters as long as I remain true to myself and let that hair go wild.

The sun is starting to beam into my window and I find myself swaying back in forth as I type and that says to me, I am more than happy, I am more than content, I am so very grateful I believe in myself, and I am so very grateful I have found not just myself but my true love for me. There is no greater love, in fact the late Whitney Houston sang it best, The Greatest Love of all. I always had a tiny spark still lit inside of me, I believed her, I just didn’t know how to find it. It’s taken years and extreme events on my path yet those events led me to the incredible adventure of motherhood and where I am today, the woods, a non-camper with MS, a novice hiker who now owns hiking boots. I wish I knew this woman that hid inside of me all these years, she has been suppressed for far too long and that little girl wants to play!

I was not frightened last night, I felt calm, I was emotional in a magnificent way. I am here, not necessarily this particular place, but I am here in terms of finding what I had been searching for. Self-love was worth every blow to my mind, body and spirit because I am truly the one that is winning in this game of life, I am so alive in my spirit and I will never dim it, thats impossible.

My journey is far from over. I have much to do in this life and will have days that are not peaceful, yet I know, just like the sun rises each day, tomorrow is always a new beginning of endless possibilities but the best part is I found the girl I was searching for…

I am right here and I can assure you the search all these years was worth the wait as I am a place of absolute and utter awe with this indescribable feeling of now. I am peace, I am at a place of peace within my soul that I searched for most of my life. No rock or boulder was left unturned in this search and frankly Im starting to seriously consider why me? Not why did all these horrible things happen for me, not to me, but for me, in life but why me in general. I know why, because I have made it through the burning flames and forged in fire with scars seen and unseen, because my strength overcomes my fear. I will be an example healing is possible, I no longer dance through the pain I will leap, I am flying, I will sore… because I looked the memories of past dead on while connecting the dots of my history and realize every single thing happened for a greater purpose and I just happen to be stubbornly persistent and I believe in myself and when you believe in yourself you have found what you have always been searching for, yourself. I will not let the monsters win, they no longer serve me aside from the benefit of an impressive line up of credentials of diverse experience survived and my annonyingly optimistic attitude towards life.

I hope you too have found yourself and if you have not you still can and once you do, you wondered where they were all your life. Happy travels.