How I Became the Servant of a Tiny Dog

Have you had the pleasure of owning a dachshund? Let me stop right there and make a correction: has a dachshund ever owned you? There is no mistake; no matter how well trained the dog is, you are HIS person.

My 16 pound master is named Bandit. When friends or family stop by, I’m up out of my chair saying “Do not engage the dog!” among what sounds like the bellows of hell hounds. My four inch legged dog loves me unconditionally and is fiercely protective. People tend to think I’m joking about not engaging the dog, but I’m not. It’s unlikely, but he very well might bite you for looking at me wrong. I’m not very worried about living alone because Bandit will be sure to let me know about everyone that walks down the sidewalk, the mailman, and that shady leaf blowing down the sidewalk.

Dachshunds as they are today trace back to the 1600’s. Dachshund translates to badger dog. Those adorable 4” legs can dig a hole faster than you can say stop. They are tenacious about it, too. That hole is what he was bred for. Bandit and I have had turf wars over the hole, with me standing on it, and him trying to eat under my shoes. He doesn’t really care if he bites my feet, which are blocking his hole. I’m trying to get him to stop; he looks up at me, dirt covering his snout and ears, and I admit, it’s hard to stay mad.

Dachshunds are notoriously hard to house break. Bandit is fairly well trained, and has a habit of standing on my chest and licking my nose at 2 in the morning if he wants to go outside. I stumble from bed, more likely than not in cold rain, get back in the house, and find he’d already peed on the bookshelf (or anywhere else handy). I look at him and just ask “Why?” He stands up in his meerkat imitation on his two back paws with those short little front paws dangling, and again, I’m reminded why I have a badger hound from hell. He is just so darn cute.

Especially when dachshunds are young, they are extremely active. If you just want a dog to sit around and look cute, this is not the right breed for you. Bandit has his own toy box and will bring me exactly what he wants to play with. Most of the time, this play is me throwing whatever he’s brought, then trying to get it back while he’s growling with the sounds of the unholy. His favorite game (when it’s not raining) is Stick. I throw the stick, and he runs around the yard to keep the stick away from me as I half heartedly chase him.

My baby is around 10 now. Dachshunds are highly prone to back and hip problems due to their hot dog long body and short, stumpy legs. My home is filled with ottomans, ramps, and stairs so that he can get as close to me as possible, wherever I happen to be. As I’m writing, I’m curled up on my couch. Bandit is quite happily and loudly snoring away, tucked directly behind my knees. I’d like to get up and get a drink, but that means disturbing the dog.

That brings this story back to where I began. I’m thirsty, but unwilling to disturb the 16 pounds of snoring happiness next to me. The dog definitely owns me; I do not own a dachshund. This seems to be par for the course with other people owned by dachshunds I’ve spoken with. They very well might be one of the cutest, most loyal breeds that exist. Before you get one, consider the fact that you are probably about to give up your preferences to the badger dog’s. When those big eyes look at you from his ridiculous meerkat pose, you’ll know why it’s worth it. Nothing will ever love you as much as your dachshund. I have to go now. The snoring had ceased and very pointed looks are being given to the door. It’s cold and raining. There’s no question what Mr. Man wants.

Rhiannon Reeves (Bandit’s Human)