An Angel

I was 19 years old when I suffered a miscarriage. July 2nd, 2014...I will never forget. It was something that had left me feeling at a loss in such an extremely disheartening way & most definitely created a drastic upheaval & change in terms of my relationship with both myself & my partner at the time. Admittedly, although I know there is no longer truth to this fact, I was feeling less than woman having not been able to carry a child to full term. I was feeling incredibly alone, beyond angry with myself, with my partner, with my friends & family & with the world at large because it felt as though I wasn't at all being supported through the grief & was convinced I would never be able have children. Often I was told, "it was a blessing in disguise" or "you were too young anyway, it would have ruined your life" & it left me feeling as though there was a complete disregard for the compassion I was in need of. You know, I had wanted to be a mom for as long as I could remember, it was really the only thing that I was confident would be the most rewarding and fulfilling journey that I could ever embark on in my lifetime & I felt at that time, as though it had all been taken away. Nobody understood, nobody cared to try & I was left shattered and cocooned in a depressive state for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually, a year had passed & although I could function in my day to day, I was emotionally void & I had grown tired of the emptiness I felt. My partner & I had drifted further and further apart, my friends became few to none & I couldn't bare to go another day feeling like I had failed at being a girlfriend, friend, sister and mother. I needed to make a change, to feel close to something or someone & so, I made my way over to the SPCA in my city to spend some time with the animals there.

Animals tend to be witness and comfort to pain more so than people & the SPCA was where my heart drew me to that day. But you see, I didn't at all go with the intention of adopting a pet. Where I had been living at the time had a strict no pet policy & I wasn't one to put my living situation on the line for an extra pack of ramen on my grocery bill let alone the expense of a pet & the rules I'd be breaking to have one...but this day? This day I took a risk & I took that risk for Rylie.

Ry was one of two kittens, but to try and hold her was near next to impossible for the first 2 hours I had spent there. Everyone was drawn to her, including myself & so I waited for the moment when she was finally alone & jumped at the opportunity to spend some time with her, hold her...& once I did? I didn't put her down. I couldn't. The bond was instant & I knew in that moment, I wasn't going to leave there without her. I did't leave there without her & on July 2nd, 2015? I was a new mom to a beautiful baby girl.

Rylie became my best friend. Her and I were inseparable & it felt like, perhaps, in some way, the baby girl I had lost a year prior had taken form in the soul of Ry. She was my angel in more ways than I can say without sounding like a bit of a lunatic I think. She was there for me through the most difficult years of my life. Through the loss of close friends, of both my parents, of navigating Bipolar Disorder, depression, anxiety & everything in between...she saved my life.

She would have just turned 6 not too long ago. I haven't seen her in 6 months. My partner of 10 years who had become my fiance at one point in time, was an emotionally abusive man & a narcissist. It was a domestic situation that had come to final blows in October 2020 & as a part of his manipulation & control...he kept her. It's been difficult without her throughout this new chapter of my life, having to navigate the new & grieve what was...knowing she is there but not with me...

But you see, there is something I learned through being her mom that allowed me to sort of shift the narrative & tell a different story. She made me strong in ways I couldn't have possibly prepared for when she came into my life. She's my little girl & it's through loving her the way I do that I know how absolutely capable I am of healing this heart of mine, of standing on my own two feet. I've made it this far & I know that one day in the not so distant future, I am going to bring her back home to me & free her from the man who so carelessly & thankfully freed me.

She truly is such a special girl. My whole heart & come what may? I am & forever will be so grateful for her presence in my life. I adopted her, took her in...but she saved my life & made my empty heart and house a home.