𝕪𝕠𝕦’𝕣𝕖 𝕠𝕟 𝕪𝕠𝕦𝕣 𝕨𝕒𝕪

So, it's 2 a.m. on January, 18, 2021. My sleep schedule has gotten a little out of wack these past couple weeks - this year did not begin how I imagined, but can I really be all that surprised? I knew something had to give, and this last year has pushed me down into a new kind of shell that I haven't experienced before, so the universe said "sit down, be patient - I'll handle this."

And oh, my fellow humans on the interwebs, she did.

I have been working at a job I used to love, but grew to resent this past year for many reasons - some I'm still trying to figure out for myself. Maybe it was the obvious excuse - "leadership" - or - "lack of trust" - (which were both very valid reasons, by the way, but that's not the main focus here). No, maybe it wasn't just that. Maybe it was that I outgrew it - professional reasons aside. I outgrew a chapter of my life, and I knew it long before I wanted to admit it to myself. I had poured so much of myself into a space that didn't have room for me anymore - but I kept pouring. Complaining. Blaming. Wanting better things to come easy and to just rid myself of the things I didn't agree with or want anymore. But unfortunately, that's not exactly how life works. I continued these patterns and kept finding excuses in the most convenient places. Kept telling myself the things I will do, instead of actually looking at the things I was doing.

However - there comes a time down that road where you have to look yourself in the mirror and see where you draw the line. Where do I stop looking for the validation around me and start taking control of the validation within me? When do I break the pattern of what has been and go after what will be?

It's funny, because I didn't find that answer on my own. I needed a little push - or a big one - to say the least.

The last couple of months of 2020 I was feeling so lost and needed some direction. Had zero clue what I wanted to do with my life and all that jazz. First week into 2021 - I got let go from my first job of three years and that was that. No looking back. No fight in me to stay. My heart wasn't in it anymore, so naturally my motivation wasn't either - and I knew that all along, but I didn't realize it in time. So, the universe said - "girl, it's time to go."

So here I am. "Going." Figuring it out. After a long, exhausting, trying year - I finally feel a sense of freedom. Freedom to take the next step. To not let the ways I handled things in the past return. To stand up. To let the negative emotions come, and then kindly ask them to leave - they don't belong there anymore. And you know why? Because it's my house. I make the rules.

So I guess my story is one of acknowledgement. To myself. To my wants, my needs, my actions. How they are all connected. How they made up who I was, who I am now, and who I am becoming. To let the light in for all that's yet to be, but to also recognize whatever darkness was in the past. Take the good with the bad - that's the secret sauce. But don't fear. When it is your time to step into the next part of your journey - it will happen. How it happens will be weird. Unexpected. Challenging. Hopeful. Beautiful.

Let it be all of those things. Growth is a process.

Cheers to a fresh start. Wherever you are, you are on your way.

-nelle.