You all weren’t the victim, I was!

The Year 2024 was rocky from the start, when it got towards the middle of the year that’s when everything started to change for me. I knew this was the year of my high school reunion, and I was debating about going. Over the last few years of my life, I felt like I had finally gotten my life together. The life that I had to live at home is a life I really wish my peers could have known. I wish they knew how much I was already suffering already at home. In high school I struggled a lot with making friends but, that was all due to the fact I had no social skills at the time and no personality. I didn’t know who I was, and I was lost I didn’t know who I wanted to be. I couldn’t be the person I wanted to be because I was suffering so much physical, emotional, and mental abuse from the people I have never considered as parents, and it was the same with members of my extended family. So, I wasn’t sure where I fit into society, and it was sad that I felt like no matter where I went, I don’t fit in at anywhere. I was an outcast, and there was no reason for me to be treated as one because I haven’t done anything to anyone. There were even points where I thought maybe I am the problem and maybe I need to do something to fix it. But then I realized I wasn’t the problem or the issue. I realized the only problem with me was I was too nice, and I didn’t have a voice to tell people to stop and leave me alone.

There was a point that I had finally reached my limit with my toxic family and the people I thought were my friends. I did what was best for me and I cut ties with all of them a few years ago and I never looked back. In the last few years, I have been the happiest I’ve ever been. The people I cut out of my life have tried to get back in my life but, I refuse to let them back in. I even explained to them that I'm more positive and optimistic without them because “you all made me unhappy”. I felt free from them all and that I’m slowly letting go of the pain and hurt I endured. But there was just one more hurdle I had to face which was overcoming what I had endured in high school. As the date got closer to my reunion I kept wondering if it was worth confronting them and letting them see how much I changed and how I’m not that scared and sad little girl no more. My other option was to just continue to suppress how I truly felt and move on. But what came next shocked me. One of my high school classmates reached out to me through Facebook Messenger and I don’t know what triggered him to want to do that. I honestly thought at first it was a joke but, he literally confessed to what he and everyone else did to me. He even admitted that what he did was wrong, and he shouldn’t have been a part of what everyone else was doing to me. He even admitted that he had suffered 2 major losses in his life in this long conversation him and I were having back and forth. Then he too confessed he had a bad home life as well and he said he felt more guilty for what he did. The big difference between me and him was I stayed true to myself, and I didn’t become just like him and the people around me. I decided I wasn’t going to sugar coat or beat around the bush about how I felt so I told him all of what I had to endure at home, and how he and everyone else made to where I had nowhere safe to go. I even shared with him how a few years ago I lost 2 of the most important people in my family that were nothing like the rest of them, and I said to him “I felt like they were the only 2 people from my family that ever loved me.” He then messaged me again a few minutes later saying that after I had told him the truth about my life at home, he said he started crying because, he now knows the damage he did along with everyone did. To be honest I personally thought it was both sad and pathetic that he waited 10 years later to tell me this. Because if he really wanted to apologize, he should have done it a long time ago, and I can forgive but I will never forget; and he needs to understand that it’s too little too late. Since I can never forget what happened to me but, I will gladly continue to find the happiness I seek.

After a little while after having that conversation with him I felt another major shift within me. I now know that sometimes if you want to truly heal from the past you need to confront it. It’s different for some people with how they choose to move on from their pasts. I wanted to be able to let go of everything I had endured by confronting some of them with the cold hard truth was what I knew would help make all the pain go away. I wish I'd done this a long time ago. I should have spoken up more for myself since no one else did for me. I admit I did for only a few occasions back in both schools, but I should have been stronger and confident but, at that time I wasn’t. I overall decided not to go to the reunion, and I’m glad that I made that decision because I was almost trembling with going. At the very last second when I chose not to go I felt really calm again. After that text conversation I had with him I knew that if I ever encountered another classmate of mine I would not be afraid to say what I want to say. That opportunity with another classmate did come a month later. Another classmate of mine I've not seen in a long time came by my work. He says “Hi” and then he asks why I didn’t go to the reunion. I wasn’t going to tell him at first because, I wanted to keep it cordial since I was still at work. But he kept going on and on about it and he wouldn’t stop saying “it turned out to be more fun than it actually was”. I truly wasn’t going to say anything but, the fact he wouldn’t stop talking about it when I clearly had no desire talking about it. I just went ahead and told the truth, but I kept it short, and I just said, “you know I’m going to be honest the reason I didn’t go is because I didn’t like the way I was treated in school, and I felt like I didn’t deserve that.” He then said, “I understand, I’m sorry”. That really upset me a lot because, he knew and he along with everyone else did nothing about it. I honestly thought I was going to slap him in the face but, that’s not me.

I was a little emotional, but I was glad I said what I needed to because, the truth can’t stay buried forever. I had a few people that I work with that I’m close with that I told what happened, and one of them said “I wouldn’t have opened that door again”. When I just couldn’t because I wanted my story told, and for once after all these years I have finally found my voice. A few months later I saw another one of my classmates, and she was at my other job attending a rehearsal dinner. I was working at the bar I saw her come in, and I knew she saw me and recognized me because out of the corner of my eye I could see her staring at me. Then when she and her husband were coming up to the bar to get a drink, I was literally just going to be polite because this isn’t the time and place to talk. I just wanted to serve them their drinks and let them be on their way. But when they got closer, she did something I never thought she would do. She hid behind her husbands back and just had him order her a drink. I was dumbfounded that was completely immature, I even thought to myself well that just shows some people never change or grow up. I had a coworker ask why she was hiding, and I told them who she was. They were like “what did you do to her” and I said, “nothing it’s what she did to me”. After the last couple of years of self-healing I was able to turn the impossible to make everything possible. I now know what I was looking for after everything I had encountered and faced, I was looking for redemption. I admit I'm not perfect, no one is perfect, and I admit I'm still flawed in few places but, at least I admit it. But in all these situations no else would ever admit they were never flawed which is not true because, everyone is flawed some way or somehow. I know a lot of them will never admit that yes what they did to me was wrong. I've found someone that heard my story and she even said “they were not the victim, you were.” It's sad I've become of victim of so much hate for no reason. Even if people tried to make me seem like a wicked witch; I wasn't I was just standing up for myself and others. I did run into a few more old classmates recently that I didn’t have a lot of anger and hate toward. I’m glad they got to see a side of me that’s far different than the first time they saw me. I didn’t have to ask I could feel they knew I was not the same.

In the end everyone should never be judged way to quickly because, everyone deserves a chance to fly. The one thing I did towards the end of this is something I thought I would never do for someone else. I saved someone’s life that was having a heart attack, and I had performed CPR, and I used the AED to help save him. If I'd not helped that gentlemen as fast as I did everyone said he would be dead. I didn't think I would be recognized for doing something like that. But I'm more humbled for the fact that this gentleman is still alive because of me. Just to help someone else that really needed it this time was beyond anything I could have ever imagined with seeking redemption. What I did for this man is something I will never forget. What I did just shows no one should ever be underestimated for what they are capable of. I proved to others and especially myself that I'm strong, and I can achieve the impossible. My overall message to everyone is to be kind to one another because you never know what goes behind closed doors. More than anything else everyone needs to remember to love themselves first before loving anyone else. When you learn to love yourself, others will see that and embrace and love and accept you for you. To all the haters in this world, they can continue to hate but if they never change that's sad, but I'll still be standing.