Worrying About Finding Love

The more I have to lose, the more I worry. I guess I've always been this way. Of course, no one wants to get hurt, lose important things or feel let down. But lately I've been really thinking about how bad my fear of rejection can be.

To the point where I've made up things in my head that have to match reality for me to ever make a great connection. And as I start to wonder about taking chances in life & really focusing on what I want & how to get there... well... the fear comes back in full force.

I've never really thought that my tendency to expect the worst, constantly feel abandoned and fear commitment wasn't normal. I mean, lots of people experience it. I honestly thought I had a healthy level of skepticism, & it was just part of my unique personality. Until I actually went to therapy, got diagnosed with depression, and spent hours looking for answers. It's cool to be a nihilist when you're a teen...

when you're an adult it becomes hard. I often wonder why my brain can't seem to choose the hopeful answer by itself. If anything, in the last couple of years, I have been embarrassed by how confrontational & sad I can be. And it's a full-time job managing those thoughts & feelings, even when you come to accept them. But I'm rambling.

The point is, I am terrified of one day waking up to having been completely abandoned. I know that I have felt this way before in life, & my own experiences give some justification for why I fear it. But it is hell. To think that every good thing in your life will end at any time.

Feeling completely out of control and alone. It's a nightmare that I constantly live in. The uncertainty I face, on the other hand, is that I feel ready to invite a different kind of love into my life again. A more romantic one. Having finally gotten somewhere with self-love and filled with platonic and family love, there is a little romantic teenage girl living in my heart.

She's developed over time, but she still wants romance. But I find myself so uncertain, lost even, and I am not a newbie when it comes to love and being in a romantic relationship. Yet I feel like one some days. And other days, I feel that it's old.

That no matter how many times I put myself out there, swing between looking and not caring, to longing and wanting, the whole thought becomes old. And I go back to the safety of my dreams & imagination. And the thought dawned on me. What if I created the person in my head as a means to keep myself safe?

What if I picked the face of someone I found attractive & knew I'd likely never see again, to act as a mirror for every feature & ideal I could want? Because well I am finding that having boundaries & set points are good. What if I have made it impossible for myself because every time I decide to be 'realistic,' the rose-colored glasses deceive me, & I find myself in pieces and having been used? So of course, if I have this long list of things and ideas of who that person could be for me, then of course, any possible love would pale in comparison.

Not necessarily because I do not want it but because I want my safety more. There is a weird kind of freedom in even being able to ask myself that question too. Am I making it hard for myself? And maybe the answer is yes... But I find myself also firm in my own resolve.

Maybe this time, I don't want to be the one to flirt first, to ask first, to take so much care & time. Perhaps I am allowed to want to feel wanted and to be able to sit back & let things come to me. Even if I am a self-proclaimed strong independent woman maybe I still dream of being the princess or damsel swept off her feet. And maybe that's okay too. It just means that all my uncertainty around the matter has to be okay as well.

And it may mean that I have to be okay with the idea that even if it is my brain talking... that if I never find the love I am looking for I am still enough.