Why I'm Not Afraid of Heights Anymore

I will always remember that day, sort of like a record playing over and over in my head. The never-ending echoes of Elton John and Queen as we pass pretty lights on the highway. The feeling of childhood to me is like running through the sprinkler on a hot summer day, or super soaker fights, pillow forts, playing cobs and robbers, laughter. 95, 96, 97, 98, 99, 2000. Where did all those years go?

When I was 13, I knew very little about life, and what I did learn, I learned best from my two older siblings. My brother was the one who taught me about pop culture, music, and movies. He was the fun, wild, crazy brother. That was my older brother. One summer day, my brother asked my parents if he could take me to Kings Dominion, the theme park 45 mins from our house. They agreed, and my dad ended up giving us a ride.

"Meet back here AT 8pm" he said sternly, reminding us to meet at the gate. My brother was 18 at the time, and at least at that point in time, I didn't feel unsafe wandering around a theme park with my brother. It actually was exciting to be somwhere cool without our parents, with the whole world right in front of us. But, I was still very much a shy, timid girl that was absolutely terrified of heights. That's why we had come here, anyway.

"Are you kidding, Anne Marie? Roller coasters are so amazing! How can you be afraid of that?"

"Idk it's scary," I reply awkwardly.

"Okay, that's it, this weekend I'm taking you to Kings Dominion and we are going to ride in the very front seat on every. single. ride."

My stomach did twists and turns as he stated the rules of our outing. The front seat?! You mean, I'm going to be the first to be looking down a huge hill, down at people that look like the size of ants from up there? I was very terrified to be perfectly honest, but because I was with my older brother, and I looked up to him, and I trusted him, I went along with it.

Walking through the gates of the park, I could smell the pleasant aroma of funnel cakes, fries, and adventure. As we passed the giant fountains, a person dressed in a Star Trek costume walks by. I can feel the breeze, blowing a cool mist from the fountains over to everyone walking up and down the main front area of the park.

I felt free and excited, like the world was this huge adventure. It almost felt like we could do anything, go anywhere, be anything we wanted to be. As I glanced up at the massive wooden and metal coasters tangling their way through trees and looping around, my heart started pounding super fast. I was so nervous. As we passed one of the biggest coasters, I could hear that clanking and grinding sound of the machinery as the cars went up, up, up. Then, ahead of me, there is another coaster, falling into it's almost perpendicular descent towards the onlookers below. Screams of joy, laughter, surprise, terror, and I loved every minute of it. This was my favorite place to be.

As we approached the biggest coaster, my stomach started to sink. I could feel a lump in my throat growing larger and larger as my brother ducks through rows of metal gates to get through to the line quicker. We were luckly enough to have come on a day when this coaster wasn't too crowded, or maybe it was just that most people were too scared to get on this one, I'm not sure which, but I am sure that I was absolutely and completely terrified. My brother, rows ahead of me and waiting for me to follow, says "Come on, it will be fun!"

My eyes begin to water, my heart is beating faster than ever.

"No, I'm too afraid, I can't do it." I say, with a little tone of disappointment in my voice.

"Kiddo, you are getting on that roller coaster whether you like it or not. Now, come on," he said, yanking my arm as I hurriedly stagger through the endless maze to get to the front line for the coaster. There we were, and

"oh look! no one is in front of us! Sweet!" my brother exclaims.

I look around, hoping to just see someone cut in front or do something so I don't have to get on this ride, but here we go, I'm stepping in, I'm buckling in and pulling that thingy over my head and looking at this giant track in front of me.

Here's the adventure, right in front of me. I can do this. If he can do it, so can I, I think. Before I can even finish wrapping my head around what I'm about to do, I feel a pull, and we start ascending up this massive, massive hill. Clank. Clank. Clank. I begin to go over all the scenarios in my head where somehow this roller coaster breaks or we all fall out and die. Clank. Clank. Clank. I start to close my eyes because we just keep going higher and higher and higher until finally, we've reached the top. Three last big clanks from the coaster and then we are literally sitting on top of the hill. The bright, orange sunset looks amazing from up here.

All of a sudden, we start slowly edging downwards. I looked down. I shouldn't have looked down, but I did and holy crap, we are almost completely at a 90 degree angle here and then WHOOOSHHHHH, just like that. We are speeding down this hill. I feel terror, freedom, and happiness. I look over at my brother, who is smiling and laughing and having a ball.

"Put your hands up, kiddo," he yells over the clang of the machinery.

I put my hands up. It is actually the most exhilarating thing even though I'm terrfied because I also feel my body just floating upwards and I'm afraid I might fall out of the car, so I put my hands back down and grasp for dear life onto the metal handles. We get to the bottom of the hill and we are turning a corner and SWOOSH, there's a surprise drop that makes me gasp. My brother looks over at me and chuckles. I'm laughing too.

As the car comes to a stop, jolting us forward back into the beginning, I breathe a huge sigh of relief. I survived the biggest coaster. For the rest of the evening, we cross through every area of the park and ride every. single. one. First car, first row. By the time it got dark out and we were walking back to the front gates, we were exhausted and hungry. We got some food before leaving the park and heading home. As we drive away from the park, I look behind. The rides are shut down for night, dark shadows of a dream now, but it's a day that will always look back on with the fondest memories.

Things aren't as simple as they were then, we've grown apart. He is not the same person I knew before, he is a shadow of who he used to be. Mental illness, time, and trauma have worn away at both of us. He used to call me kiddo and laugh with me, he used to be my best friend in the world. Sibling estrangement is painful. It leaves you feeling your whole life like something is missing, and it makes you wish for the times like this. When we felt freedom and excitement, that feeling that we had our whole lives ahead to figure stuff out. We are no longer there.

Things get much more complicated when you are an adult, but I can kind of see how life itself is that roller coaster. My brother helped me get over my fear of heights. He also taught me something valuable about life that day. Life is a wonderful, crazy, scary, unbelievable experience, and we are on that roller coaster ride every single day. We cruise through the ups and downs of life, the spectators of our own destinies. Those days are distant now, but I have to look on to the future with my arms up at the top of that hill; brave, fearless, and resilient.