When You Need a Shoulder

I never thought I would live through a pandemic. I studied things like the Black Plague in history class, I've read numerous stories about life after an apocalyptic plague, my husband and I used to play the board game Pandemic any time family came to visit...but I never considered it would be something that would affect me personally. Then it happened, and it's affect on me is not what I would have guessed once I accepted it,

I'm a stay-at-home mom with four kids, three of whom are school age.

I bet you can tell where this is going, can't you?

My kids are always home now, all the time. I love them all dearly, but it is so hard having them around all the time. It's not just that they're always here. It's not just that virtual schooling is insane.

The worst thing is how simply overwhelmed I am all the time. Every minute of every day.

Shortly before the pandemic began and the world went crazy, I was diagnosed with moderate depression and given a referral for a therapist. Before I could see that therapist, however, we went into lockdown. So while my depression is diagnosed, it is still untreated. And its gotten worse. It would not surprise me if I were to be diagnosed as severely depressed now, but there's nothing I can do about it right now. I'm pretty sure I have undiagnosed anxiety now. It wouldn't surprise me to find out that I have adult ADHD. I get panic attacks if I wear a mask for more than half an hour.

It's hard, really hard, but I'm not asking for pity or sympathy. I'm giving it.

A friend gave me wise advise when I was in the middle of a meltdown. She told me:

"Just breathe."

And it helps. Not always, and not a lot, but it does help. Most days it helps just enough to keep me from feeling like I'm drowning.

So I just wanted to tell you, I get it.

Life is hard right now. The world is crazy. If you have kids, they're probably stir-crazy from not getting to go to school, or the park, or the library, or a friend's house. Mine certainly are. Chances are high that if your kids are doing the virtual schooling, or you are, that it is confusing and hard. You probably want to just get away. Maybe you're ashamed of your house because you just don't have the energy or the hours necessary to get it all clean. I get it. It's okay.

Just breathe.

With any luck that will be enough to center you until you can get more help. And don't forget to reach out and ask for help.