What Is Confidence?

Confidence is one of those states of being to which we all aspire. It has nothing to do with feeling superior to others, or being arrogant. It is a quiet sense of capability, authority, significance and worth. It does not need to boast because it is pretty obvious in itself. It is the twin side of self-esteem which means that we cannot feel confident if we do not accept ourselves.

The word confidence emerged in the 1550s, meaning "reliance on one's own powers, resources or circumstances, self-assurance.” In our time, it became more meaningful from 1890 when William James (considered the Father of Psychology) linked self-esteem to it. Yet that self-reliance does not come easily. Individual confidence is heavily dependent upon childhood treatment, on the quality of our interactions in later life, and, above all, the way we feel about ourselves: whether worthy or unworthy, accepting or rejecting. Hence the confidence definition above is my own.

Confidence is also hard to quantify, and equally hard to describe in detail, but it is real enough on a massive emotional scale. It is determined by three basic elements: our level of achievement, our sense of belonging and our level of self-esteem. These closely interwoven aspects form a highly personal triangle: each one affecting the other two in a routine way. Most important, our achievement and sense of belonging control the level of our esteem and self-acceptance. Without the first two aspects being fulfilled, we are likely to believe there is something missing from our lives, and suffer an ongoing sense of inadequacy and self-rejection.

Learned Concept

Confidence is learned, it is not an inherited trait. If you lack confidence, it probably means that, as a child, you were criticised, undermined, or suffered an inexplicable tragic loss, for which you either blamed yourself or were blamed by others. It could also be connected to the kind of relationships you have had with others, especially if you have been romantically hurt or rejected. A lack of confidence isn't necessarily permanent, but it can be, if it isn't addressed. Our religion, the influence of the culture which formed our perspectives, our gender, social class and our parents, in particular, are all factors which influence and contribute to our level of confidence and esteem.

The way our family treats us (especially in childhood), the state of our relationships, and our progress at work, all affect our sense of belonging and self-esteem through positive acceptance. Coupled with the success we have in our careers (professional validation), these elements will always affect how we feel, how much self-belief we have, how much we value ourselves and how motivated we are to progress consistently.

Any truly successful life has rewards and the ability to learn from any setbacks, which increase our resilience, self-belief and determination. Real confidence requires that we face the possibility of failure constantly and deal with it. However, if we consistently lose out on both achievement and personal validation, we begin to feel such a 'failure', that even our identity is called into question. Low confidence is thus reinforced by low self-esteem. Like sad twins, the two go hand in hand.

Confident people have deep faith in their future and can accurately assess their capabilities. They also have a general sense of control in their lives and believe that they will be able to do what they desire, plan and expect, no matter what the foreseeable obstacle. But this faith is guided by more realistic expectations so that, even when some of their goals are not met, those with confidence continue to be positive, to believe in themselves and to accept their current limitations with renewed energy.

How confident are you feeling today? How much would you rate your self-assurance out of 10?

Mine would be 11! 😎😁

• RELATED BOOK: The New Theory of Confidence

• RELATED PODCAST: The Confidence Workout

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