What I've Learned

What have I learned? This is the question I ask myself every year. Did I learn from my mistakes? Did I make any? Or were they just lessons that had to be endured whether I liked it or not.

If you know me, you know that I am a very evaluative person and therefore, by default, I am constantly reflecting upon myself. I'm observant of myself and the world around me constantly looking for incremental adjustments to be made towards a better, enlightened version of myself.

Stop dwelling.

2018 was a difficult year for me to say the least, but what I learned was to not dwell on that. All my life I have permitted myself to dwell over conversations, actions, and events repeatedly in my head. Therefore, it is safe to say that this year I learned to thank the universe for teaching me a lesson, making sure I experienced that event, that conversation, thanking it for what it served me and then kissing it goodbye. I found it difficult, and I still find it difficult to practice this, however, it really changes your outlook on life when you understand that one does not have have the power to change what has come and gone and what has passed. However, you do have the power to change your NOW. Unfortunately, if you are stuck in what has passed—there is no way you can change your present.

As the days go by I learn that daily gratitude and forgiveness is important.

• Sometimes we don't understand why we wake up angry, or why our nightmares depict something we thought we had gotten over. What I learned is that I needed to truly, spiritually, emotionally and wholeheartedly forgive myself and forgive others for all the wrong that has been done to me. For all the "I hate you for doing this to me" and the "Why me's?"' I learned that I set myself up for failure when I do not wake up forgiving those who I subconsciously feel are responsible for my sorrow, or my emotions—including myself. Without forgiveness, I live with a lump in my heart that only prevents me from performing to my best ability in all aspects of life.
• Although finding gratitude in dark times can be difficult, it can be the one thing that can pull you out of this negative state of mind. I try and wake up doing this every day. "I am so grateful that—" and I fill in the blanks because I don't know when the universe will strip what I have from me or when life will take its natural path, therefore it is important for me to be thankful for whatever is bringing me joy and is serving me. I used to find it ridiculous when I would read self-help articles that suggested that one should take note of what they are grateful for. I would say to myself "Pff, how is it even possible to be thankful for anything? Everything is so messed up." Interestingly enough, I find myself doing this without even thinking and the issues that are occurring in my personal life are even greater than they were before. Which became an indication to me that it was my state of mind that needed to experience a change in order to mitigate for the things that I could not change.

A reoccurring theme over the last year has been that there are just certain things and certain people you cannot change. Therefore, I have learned to tell myself "For what I have the power to change, I will." For everything else I have no control over, I had to learn to practice forgiveness, gratitude and calming techniques. The reality was that the thought of not having the power to change something in my life was absolutely terrifying—to the point where I would stress out until my stomach ached. I was only making myself ill by stressing over issues I had no power to change. Accepting this actually gave me more control over my reality. This is simply because I refuse to allow things I cannot change to overcome my spirit and my morale.

Lastly, and most importantly, I learned that being content with myself and the life I lead is key to my happiness and to feeling aligned. Growing up I felt like it was important to please everyone, because pleasing everyone meant acceptance —in my head. However, as soon as I realized that my values and what I believed were not incorporated in my life because of the longing for acceptance I knew I had to make the necessary changes. It was impossible to feel grounded, aligned, and secure with myself knowing that I was living my life for others. The first instance in which I realized this was when I became a vegan. I was no longer eating because I enjoyed every moment of eating what was on my plate; I was eating because I didn't want to disappoint anyone or be of inconvenience. Again, I realized that I would rather be of inconvenience to someone than do something is not making me happy anymore.

Just as plants adjust themselves and adapt to their environment in order to grow sufficiently and survive, we as individuals must change, adapt and reflect upon ourselves continuously in order to grow into strong, aligned, beautiful human beings.