Unlearning “Me”

As a child, do you remember learning how to play with your toys? Do you remember learning how to sing your A, B, C’s? Do you remember learning how to ride your bike? Tie your shoes? Brush your teeth? What about learning how to befriend someone? Do you remember? Let’s just say that 9 times out of 10, we subconsciously remember.

As a child we bathe in the delight of learning new things, understanding our touch, our sight, our smell, and how it made us feel in that moment. Sensory objects are great for the child’s brain. Imagine what levels of serotonin are released when touching slime, foam, sharp, or colorful objects. It’s a pretty big deal playing when your child or a friends child has a favorite toy or hobby.

As a kindergartener I remember always excelling in coloring inside the lines and drawing, but seriously. Granted, I can draw and color even BETTER now that I have had almost 20 years of practice under my belt. It’s quite a gift, but so is my intellectual intelligence and understanding.

As a child I had to grow up quick. With the exception that indeed, I did grow too fast to even comprehend the speed of my growth. What I mean by growing up quick is that I saw and heard things that I shouldn’t have. Hearing loud screams, slammed doors, seeing people fighting... it was toxic. Don’t get me wrong, I grew up in a “benefiting dysfunctional” family. Meaning we had family time, camping trips, fun summers, better winters, and in the midst of all the good— dysfunction. As I got older I started paying closer attention to the details and the way everyone spoke to and treated one another.

At the time I was still a child. I payed attention, but then I also disassociated myself as well. Being a child, we don’t understand the situations clearly. We just know that whatever it going on is between the adults and leave it at that, we will just go back to playing, but as a teenager we shift into this metamorphosis and we start learning about US and the situations that effect US. It’s important almost so viable that we depend on the world around us to shift us, to create and make us. After all, we become what we surround ourselves with and it’s up to us to change it.

Being 15 and learning about myself, friends, love, family, and life all at once is not easy. It’s actually so freaking scary, but being a teenage girl was fun. I fell in love. I fell in love with my passions. I fell in love with my self image. I fell in love with the beauty in life— and I also fell to strongly dislike many more things. I was rebellious. I was looking for a relationship with my mother and father (as I’ll discuss this story another day). I was looking for the attention I lacked. I just “grew up” and I felt so out of control that I was “in” control, but I did nothing to positively change it.

How can I change though? What are the steps to get to a place that doesn’t have toxicity and dysfunction? What do I have to do to unlearn what has made me, “me”? Not the creativity aspect nor the intellectual aspect either, but the dysfunctional family ties has got to be cut. The dysfunctional relationships have got to be unwanted. The things that I grew up to think and “believe” to be normal, is absolutely not normal.

January 1, 2021 I took a step to remove the people who have threatened me, who have hurt me, who have used my weaknesses to their advantage, who can not see the light that I have always tried to use to impress and who can never admit to their faults or wrong doings. As a teenager, remember I said I was rebellious, I snuck out, went to parties, resented my family... the basic stuff.

Since being a mother I’ve learned a lot about myself. At 16 if you asked if I wanted children, I would have told you “not until I’m 35.” Who doesn’t say that? Plenty of us don’t want children until we are financially, mentally, and physically stable enough to at least be able to raise little humans. At 25, I can say I love my children and I am so glad they’re mine— they’re here. We breathe the same air. We share DNA and they’re simply put; smaller versions of me.

As a 25 year old parent, I’m still learning. I learn what my children learn, I learn new things about my children, and I learn about myself as a mother. There’s things that I agree and don’t agree with when it comes to taking advice from my elders. These are my babies. I am in control and I can only decide what’s good for us three. Whilst I listen to the messages of wisdom being spoke to me, I also take account for how I feel and what I know is right as a mommy.

How do I learn how to be human if I don’t get to make my own mistakes? How do I learn how to be a woman if I don’t get to see the beauty in me? How do I learn how to be a mother if I don’t get to love, teach and understand what is good, bad, right and wrong for my children? Nobody can realize that I was put on this earth to live. I have to live for my babies, but I now have to figure out how to live for me AND my babies. I have to balance self love and love for my babies, but above all— the love I have for my children will always come first.

Learning to love myself has been trial and error. It’s taken heartbreak and frustration, dedication and commitment, stress and depression, happiness and joy— just a lot of good and bad. Learning to respect myself has taken me being selfish by focusing on me and what I desire... and so many people will shun me for this because it’s not “morally” right. How can I respect myself when I don’t respect anyone else? How can I respect people who don’t respect themselves? How can I respect anyone else when I’ve had to learn only how to respect someone when they give me what I want? I’ve had to learn how to love and respect myself strictly wanting more for me. I have been in a room of individuals who overthrow their power and entitlement because of their age or their title. I’ve heard them throw me down and drag my name through the deepest mud, but I have to know how to respect them? Who is going to respect me if I don’t respect myself? I have only me in this world if the world is against me.

I love the people in my life. I really do. I love what they have done and do for me. Without them, I sometimes feel I wouldn’t be where I am today, but that’s just it. I wouldn’t be where I am today if it weren't for me. That’s my answer. I’m unlearning how to be them and I’m learning how to be ME. Even if it means making sacrifices and decisions that are less than easy. Everything I do is for reason. There’s nothing that I do out of resentment, spite; or hate, I do it because I know what I deserve.

I am on a path to self care. Removing toxic people, things and places out of my life is the start. I’m here to tell you that you can love your family, but you do not have to tolerate the hurt just because they are older than you, just because they may have more wisdom than you, just because they “can” and get away with it. Breaking generational curses and cycles begins with one person and that’s “I”. If you have children and you’re in a situation where your spouse, your family members, your friends or even your self— does not know how to break the cycle? Remember that it starts with you. Only you can make the change because you are in control now. I can make the path for my children that I didn’t have. I can make the decisions to be better, to be smarter, to be wiser, to be more self loving and hold more self respect.

I’m taking the steps to unlearn “me” so I can learn about me: creative writing, painting, photography, outdoor adventures, spending time inside, eating healthier, working on bettering my self image and lastly, but definitely most importantly, developing a strong relationship with God. Without God, I am nothing.

Peace. Love. Positivity.

Cheers to 2021, Makenzie is coming.