Two Years Stronger...

Once upon a time, I lost my mind. I never truly came back from the edge of insanity and at this point, I do not want to. It has become a part of who I am. My insanity is what defines me. My ability to go to the edge of my mind, jump off the cliff, and then come back stronger and better to fight another day has made me the soldier that I am. There are plenty of soldiers who have been through worse but how we carry our battles and our trauma is different for every one of us. This past year has taught me so much about who I am as a person. This woman that I have become in some ways, is even a surprise to me. I am wild and hungry for what the world has to offer. The Universe is so much more than most realize and I am truly waking up to this fact. The doctrine I have been taught since childhood is not what I now claim. I was taught to live in a box and I have now broken out of my box and am asking questions. Forbidden questions, realizing my words have power, running from what I've been taught. Running so far that I know there is no coming back.

I have been divorced from my ex-husband for two years this year, so at the beginning of this year, I decided it was time to try and date again. I was ready to be intimate with someone again because it had been a while and because I did not want my ex to be my last in that regard. So began my journey with dating apps. I'm not sure who invented those but things have gone wrong. It's either that or there are not any good men left. Most only want a hookup and pretend to care about you. Some want to control you as if you are a possession or as if your only purpose in life is to find a man and become a wife. And lastly, others just love too much and too fast, especially for those of us who have survived a domestic violence relationship. For survivors, we see several red flags everywhere; perhaps that is also part of the problem. Either way, I was left feeling unsatisfied and misunderstood. I'm a very free-spirited person and I don't need to feel tied down or pressured. Feeling these things makes me want to run and run fast. I started trying to date in March and by September I had enough. I am finding that I am no longer attracted to men. I don't know if it is due to my trauma and the fact that I no longer trust men not to hurt me but I'm also realizing that I've always thought women were more attractive. I feel that women get women and men never will understand us. As a woman raised in the Bible Belt in the South, this is terrifying to me. My family will never accept this. They will say I'm going to Hell. I've lived my whole life for my family but the older I get; especially this year I'm starting to live for myself. I've always tried to seek my family's approval in everything I do and when I've done something I know will disappoint them I get sick to my stomach. As a child of divorced parents, I've grown accustomed to guilt trips, feeling like a rubber band as one parent tries to get you to vow your alliance to them and then the other is on the other side doing the same thing. I learned early on how to be a people pleaser; that became who I was and have been for many years. It's been five years of therapy and five years of growth; here I am. I'm not sure I'm ready to date a woman but I'm curious and I want that not to feel dirty because I no longer believe it is.

The Universe we live in is complex in many ways. I fail to understand why so many people choose to live in a box; a box of their own making. We are taught this engrained doctrine from the generations before us but it's not true and is so stifling. The Universe has a Source and if you want to call the Source God, Brahman, or Allah; none of those would be wrong. You see, you can call the Source whatever you like because there are some elements I believe, to every religion that has truth. There is quite a bit that we have forgotten. History has been erased from our minds because once upon a time someone decided to change the way we do things, the traditions we have, change the wording on the Holy books we read to suit their needs and desires and what we teach our children. After so many years and generations of being told something is one way and not the other, you forget that it ever was another way. So, get prepared because here are some bomb shells I've discovered this year. God is the Source and the Source is in all of us but we have a choice not to follow the Light. There are other gods and goddesses and even Jesus never said that there weren't; he simply said that he was the One true God. We are connected to Mother Nature in a way most don't understand or acknowledge. She is our source of life. Our words have power and prayer is a spell. After all, are you not putting words and thoughts into the universe trying to make things happen, or expressing gratitude with prayer? That is a spell or manifestation. What you put into the Universe, you will get back. God or Source is not a man or a woman, Source simply is that. God does not play a certain gender role which is why "he" made both and also why he is omnipresent. God is everywhere and in everyone therefore not a certain gender, God represents us all. God represents the young, old, black, white, Asian, Italian, Irish, German, gay, lesbian, bisexual, etc. Source "God" does not care if you are gay, lesbian, or other. Those verses in the Bible about how being gay is wrong? Yeah, there are only two passages that mention anything concerning that and they don't term the phrase gay or homosexual in any way. So, looking at things deeper and doing research, the original Hebrew language used in these passages was miškevē 'iššâ, and this phrase is usually interpreted as "with a woman". However, the fact is that we do not fully understand the original Hebrew language. Some scholars believe it means "the lyings of a woman" which would turn the whole two passages on their head. If that is true then the passages would be referring to prostitution and not homosexuality. Even if it was referring to homosexuality it could be referring to the fact that there was a lot of sexual violence that was commonplace in those times which involved men sleeping with children. Jesus could have been referring to that when he meant men do not lay with other men as would a woman. Love is love and I don't believe that God cares where or whom it comes from as long as it's healthy. I am also questioning the location of Heaven and Hell, the reason why Jesus had to die on the cross. Would a God who is supposed to be an all-loving God make his Son become a blood sacrifice? These questions keep spinning around and around in my head as I do more and more research I only feel more validated. Everything is energy my friends and we are so much more than a 9-5 job. We are all connected to this Earth and each other. Everything we do has an ultimate reaction and a consequence. So, as I walk alone in this quiet cemetery among the wise and dead I try to summon their knowledge from years ago. I know this, the doctrine we've been taught is wrong. I like women and that's okay. Spreading peace, love, and happiness is most important in this life. Spread love and the Universe will give you love back. Blessings to all...