Tracing My Motivation

My story begins as a child in the 80’s, we just moved to Florida from Germany. I cannot recall having much motivation at this point other than to do anything to impress my mother. My mother worked several jobs as I grew up and was never home. I think that is why I felt invisible and thus began my motivation for getting her approval. I sought her approval through having good grades and trying to excel in sports and other after-school activities. I admit that I went through phases of good and bad grades. Her initial response to my straight A’s was, “You can do better”. So, at times I would make bad grades in hopes that she would say the same thing and then when I improved, I would get praise. Even though I never received her praises, I still wanted to maintain good grades with the hopes that she would see me.

As the years past, my mother and I were on the receiving end of abuse from her second husband. It was during those years that I knew I wanted to be a psychologist when I grew up. We didn’t have anyone to help us. My mother would deny the abuse and did not seek help. But I was able to see a therapist and that was life changing. From that moment on, I didn’t care about my mother’s praises or approval. I just wanted to make the grades to get into a college to pursue psychology.

Even with that mind set, as my high school years came, I still struggled to please my mother. In the back of my mind, I thought I still needed her love and acceptance. It was when Sheryl, my God-Mother, and my grandparents voiced their concerns for me that I began to realize that I could never satisfy my mother. They were pivotal influences who helped me with my journey to self-acceptance. For the first time in my life, I began to think of myself and my needs. It was also about this time that I learned that my mother did not have a college education. The closer I got to my high school graduation, I learned that no one in my family made it past an Associate’s degree and that most of my family was in the military. This information just made me want to push harder.

I knew that I wanted to major in something that would help people, such as psychology. Upon expressing my interest in psychology to my mother, I was told that I would not be able to do anything with a degree in psychology. So, giving up my dream, I signed up for nursing classes when offered dual enrollment my senior year. Looking back, I realize that my choices were made to gain my mother’s love and approval. At that time, she was my motivation and I was willing to sacrifice my dreams to gain her love.

I pushed through all the disappointments and negativity that I received from my mother. I used my disappointments as a forceful energy to not just yearn for my mother’s approval but to prove to her that I can surpass her life’s achievements. Most importantly, I didn’t want to work two jobs while raising children. I continued to push through. I was granted a full scholarship to Florida State playing volleyball. I was so determined that it ultimately cost me that scholarship. I trained for volleyball so hard and studied for hours on end. I exhausted myself. I can see it all in my head as if it were yesterday. I went to volleyball practice and sprained my ankle. The coach had told me to sit out the next game. I argued with her because a Florida State scout was attending that game. The coach finally gave in and let me play. We won, but I threw out my knee and lost my scholarship to Florida State.

This event devastated me and in defeat, I threw everything away. After graduating high school, I ran away from everything I knew. I recall telling myself that having a high school diploma is good enough and my mother was right about me. I spent a couple of years traveling like a gypsy. I lost my motivation and drive. I was content in working as a medical data entry specialist. I met my first husband in 2001 and was about to have my first child. I had fallen into the same abusive cycle as my mother did. But I didn’t care, I thought it was what I deserved. Looking back, I can honestly say that I didn’t find motivation until the birth of my son in January of 2002.

I had many complications with my pregnancy and my son was born with a rare medical condition. Watching him in the NICU, I was reminded of my goals as a teen and I knew I had to be more. I did not want him to grow up thinking it is okay to abuse women. I did not want him to be abused. I wanted to be a good mother who had time for him and who would go to the end of the world for him. From that moment on I set my long-term goal to raise my son with unconditional love and to make him proud of his mom. To reach my goal, I made and implemented some short-term goals.

The first short-term goal was to move closer to family in hopes of external support. Once I achieved that, I would apply for college and file for divorce. It was in 2004 when my son was medically cleared to travel and we moved back to Florida near my mother. My husband reluctantly went, by this time he knew I wanted to divorce him. My son took ill again. He spent the next 4 years in and out of the hospital. I never left his side, I stayed in the hospital with him. I set aside my goals of college just so that he would never be alone.

It was during his hospital stays that I became encouraged to apply to college. I spent days and nights at the hospital watching other kids in isolation, alone with no visitors. I would speak with parents who struggled with their faith, who questioned life, or who just didn’t have support for themselves while trying to cope with their child’s illness. I knew then that I had to get into school and major in psychology, not just for myself but for others. After all this time, it just seemed like a sign, a calling. So, in 2008 I enrolled into a junior college.

My son’s health was getting better. I gained a better support group and friends while in college. I filed for divorce in 2009. I relocated to San Antonio just shy of an Associate degree. And in 2011, I was accepted at UTSA. My son continued to be my motivation. As a single mother, I went to college full time and worked full time.

I admit that I felt guilty for not being home as much. I would watch Caleb as he slept at night wondering if I ended up like my mother. I asked myself, “Will he know I did this for him to have a better life and a positive role model?” “Does he know how much I love him?” Then I had my daughter in 2012. I felt even more guilt as I went back to school just weeks after her birth. But with the positive support from a new-found love, I found the that extra push and motivation. I find myself even now, as a grad student, still struggling with the guilt. I find myself asking a different set of questions. “Am I being selfish?” or “Should I be at home more?”

My guilt faded briefly after I graduated with my Bachelor degree in Psychology in 2014. I accomplished so much with that Bachelor degree. It gave me so much pride to have my son and 2-year-old daughter watch as I walked the stage. I felt good that they both had a positive role model and mother that loves them unconditionally. I also felt as though I had surpassed not just my mother but many of my family members. Once I accomplished obtaining my bachelor’s degree, I began to reflect on my life once again. It was in that moment that I realized the source of my motivation had changed. I felt that I had achieved my dreams of providing the unconditional love for my children that my mother could not and obtaining a bachelor’s degree. Now I wanted more for myself and this time I decided that my new dreams and motivations would be for myself and no one else. I would no longer be content with settling for what others wanted for me. Knowing that I had let other people’s opinions of me hold me down, I decided to stop that cycle. So, I applied for graduate school.

I was accepted into the Clinical Mental Health Counseling program in the Fall of 2014. I do not want to stop there. I want to pursue a PsyD in clinical psychology after obtaining my master’s degree. In addition to my academics, I maintain a full-time job and a family. My motivation now is because I want more out of life. I also want to help others along the way. I am near the end of my graduate experience and should be graduating this Fall. Even though I am close, I must admit that there was one time during my graduate experience I felt like giving up.

I was due to walk across the stage in May but still needed one course to be completed during the summer. I was working a full-time job that required a fair amount of overtime. For the spring of 2017, I was scheduled for Internship II and two classes. I fell ill, because I worked myself too hard and never considered that I needed self-care. I spent a long night in the ER. I called my internship site the next morning to inform them I would not be in. They never got the message and was terminated from the internship site. My stress level went up and made me question everything. I remembered what my mother had told me regarding I would not be able to do anything with a psychology/counseling degree and how I was wasting my time. I just wanted to give up and withdraw from all classes. After about a week of moping and crying, I convinced myself that I need to finish graduate school. I took the rest of the semester to administer some much needed self-care. I enrolled and completed one class for the summer session. Now, it is the fall semester and I am completing my last internship and taking the final two classes. At this point, I do not know my short-term motivation is. I just know that I feel this drive and will power deep within me to continue my education, to not give up. I have to do this, not for anyone else but I have to finish for myself. To know that I am more than what others may think, to know that I can do and be anything I set my mind to.

I cannot say that I am my own motivation all the time. I have many external motivations as evident by my personal story told above. I share this not just for my own self-awareness, but for others to see that they are not alone and or to challenge other to seek out their own motivations.