The Year of Sunshine

Look at you. Look how far you've come. When you first started having these feelings (unease, frustration, being stuck in the wrong place) did you think would ever make it out? When you marry young, sometimes you don’t yet know who you are. Sometimes you feel lucky to be “chosen” and forget to choose yourself. You put up with things that are harmful and you shrug your shoulders because there’s no other option.

There was so much inner work to do. Why had you gotten stuck in the first place? People always suggest you start meditating and journaling to figure out your deeper issues. It sounds peaceful and calm. Writing and sitting still? Easy! I don't think they realized what that would really look like. They didn't know it would look like you laying in a heap on your bed, tears flowing out faster than you could wipe them. Digging deep into the heart of notions that were placed on you as a kid. Sweeping out all of those old ideas like cobwebs in the corner of a room. And they don’t go easily, those cobwebs. They stick to the edge of the broom and dare you to throw them out.

You wake up the next morning feeling empty where all of that stuff had lived.But just t tiny bit stronger. And you would confidently look to the sky and say "I did it! I think I'm done now! I've learned!" And the Universe laughed, and said, oh? Ok then. Here is a situation that will bring all that stuff back up, how will you deal with it? And again, the heap. And again. Again.

Until finally one day you can stand steady on your feet and withstand the wave. And you move slightly forward on the game board. And little by little, more happiness comes. Positive attracts positive. You heed the voice that says "you gotta go" and you begin looking for an apartment of your own. You slowly make plans. You speak the plans out loud and they seem almost real. One day you hold a key in your hand. You don't own a bed yet, or a couch, or hardly anything, but you have a roof. The next thing you know, you are painting again and writing stories. You are taking baths and listening to music that you like. Your friends and coworkers help you in ways you never could have anticipated. A table from your boss. A tv from a friend. Houseplants from Craigslist. You are lucky and you are loved.

This year you applied to college, a full 20 years after you graduated high school. You would be the first one in your family to do so. Sometimes it feels like you have no idea what you’re doing, but you have the audacity to do it anyway.

You wake up in the morning excited about where your day will take you and what adventures you will go on. You created a vision board, with things that seemed out of your reach just months ago. A new car, money coming to you easily, following your passion, a new love. A healthy love. It feels good when your friends and coworkers point out how much happier you look, how much energy you have. You feel good.

You are able to look backwards and offer your hand to friends who are several steps behind you on this journey, and help them over the sharp rocks and fear of moving forward. You are a voice of reassurance, of You Can Do It Too.

Look to the sky, close your eyes and let the sun warm your face.

This year is going to be Amazing.