The Treacherous, Yet Familiar Trail of “I Should”

Disclaimer: I’d love to come off like an expert on this topic, and in a way, I am. I’ve spent years living with this mentality, and I expect to keep living with it for quite a few more.

“You should walk more like a lady.”

“You should go to college.”

“You should be more diplomatic.”

These are just a few things I heard while growing up. They told me I wasn’t good enough as I was, the way I wanted to be.

Going to college was what smart people did on their way to success. (I already knew I was smart, and I just wanted to get out of school.)

I wasn’t feminine enough and was shamed for my tomboy ways. (But it seemed like boys got to do all the fun stuff.)

I was reprimanded for being direct and honest. (I didn’t see the point of trying to be fake — that came later.)

All because of the word “should.”

And when I grew up, I became the role I had previously hated and told myself all the things I should be:

“I should be slim and sexy.”

“I should please my husband in everything.”

“I should be a kinder, more patient mother.”

“I should be more loyal.”

“I should be bolder and speak up for myself.”

“I should be more successful in my career by now.”

Again, these are just a few things I told myself for years on end. The litany of “I should have known” and “I should have done” turned into a never-ending mantra I used to beat myself onwards. It became my primary reality. “Should” ruled my life.

But I never considered (and still often forget) one important fact:

“Should” isn’t real.

When you say “should,” you’re talking about something that doesn’t currently exist. You’re talking about something theoretical — a fantasy, an imagination.

“‘Should’ is a futile word. It’s about what didn’t happen. It belongs in a parallel universe. It belongs in another dimension of space.”

― Margaret Atwood, The Blind Assassin

When we try to live by a fantasy — something that isn’t real — we aren’t living in the world where our body exists. We aren’t aware of what’s happening around us or in our minds. The world of “should” promises to be a more rewarding place that’s always just out of reach.

And that’s the torture of operating on “should.”

With “should,” you constantly see what you are not, where you lack. You hold yourself to unrealistic, unattainable expectations.

“‘Shoulds’ come only from leftover thinking. If we are truly in this moment (the only one there really is), we don’t should on ourselves.

It’s a great freedom.”

― Kelly Corbet, BIG: the practice of joy

What happens when you can’t live up to “should”?

Guilt and self-condemnation take up residence and kill all enjoyment of life. When practiced long enough, it becomes so familiar, it’s mistaken for your natural state of being.

It suffocates your ability to see anything positive about yourself or anything you’ve achieved. I’m talking about real evidence that shows you have talents, skills, and attractive qualities. Whenever someone would point them out to me, I’d immediately downplay it, criticize myself, or make myself out to be inferior somehow.

I had to — because I wasn’t what I “should” be.

Whether you hear it from someone else or in your own head, “should” is an impossible measuring stick that leads to the death of your original self.

“I should” is based on the passions of others but not my own. It’s a trained behavior that I learned to believe is my best, but is just someone else’s version of me.

“I should” offends who I am, as I am, where I am.

“I surrendered myself to the cages of others’ expectations, cultural mandates and institutional allegiances. Until I buried who I was in order to become what I should be. I lost myself when I learned how to please.”

― Glennon Doyle, Untamed: Stop Pleasing, Start Living / A Toolkit for Modern Life

What happens when you get rid of “should”?

A funny thing happens when I stop holding myself to the standard of “should.” I stop holding others to that standard too. When others don’t meet my expectations, I hate them. But if I stop expecting them to be what they’re not, I don’t, so I don’t have to carry all that negativity around.

Sometimes, I enjoy being lofty and condescending, thinking I’m superior to others. It distracts me from my own misery of not being who I should be. While it feels good in the moment, it doesn’t benefit me or fix what’s going on in my head.

Even though it’s familiar, I don’t want to constantly think about where I’m not. I want to enjoy where I am, and there’s no way I can do that with “should” on my mind.

It’s not motivating to think about what you should be. It’s demoralizing. You’re always starting from a place of lack.

“‘Should be’ will always be a long road.”

― S. Kelley Harrell

What happens if you start from where you are with what you have?

Take a moment to recognize your abilities and accomplishments. It won’t put you “behind” or make you complacent. It’s a source of strength.

If you’re like me and have lived by “should” for a long time, you might draw a blank when trying to appreciate yourself. After all, you’ve spent so long believing you’re a failure, it’s hard to do an about face and go the other way.

“The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself.”

— Maya Angelou

Many times, I’ve looked around for the culprit behind my misery, only to discover that it’s me.

Look at the physical facts of your life and what you’ve achieved. This can include learning new skills, supporting your family, completing a course, changing careers, excelling at your job, or developing healthy habits.

What kind of person are you? Do you like to be kind instead of mean? Do you enjoy the satisfaction of a job well done?

Ask a friend for their observations of you. An outside perspective without a negative bias can be a big encouragement.

By recognizing what you are and what you’ve achieved, you can empower yourself and build momentum towards where you want to go. (In my case, it’s a healthier mindset towards myself.)

No matter what — reality trumps “should.” And that’s the way it should be! 😉

(This article was originally published on Medium.)