The Silence Inside

The Silence Inside

By Cheri Allen

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I have this reoccurring dream. It is always the same. I am in a small boat in the middle of the ocean. I have never felt more terrified in my life. I look around and see only water. I’m not particularly afraid of water, but I am scared of the unknown. There is no ending to this nightmare. There is no way can I make it to a shore that I can’t see. No one will find me in time. I am lost. At first the water is still and the sky is blue. Then slowly and methodically the dark clouds move in covering every beam from the bright sun. The waves move my tiny vessel up and down until I am thrown into the water. What is the point of fighting against the current? I give in to the ocean and my body begins to sink. Even though the water is now still, I feel helpless; or maybe it’s hopeless. I am not drowning, I am simply sinking. I can’t float and I’ve forgotten how to swim I just sink. I descend until I can no longer see the light from the surface. The place where hope feels lost. I lost my faith a long time ago. Doubt takes up so much room in my soul. Letting go is almost a relief.

I know where this dream began. In my own life filled with insecurities. I want to find friends but my anxiety keeps me at home. I want to try new things but my fear of looking ridiculous cripples me. I want to be in a loving relationship but the memories of pain remind me I never want to feel that heartache again. So I spend a lot of time alone. Most evenings I open a bottle of wine and sit on my porch and just watch the trees sway.

I don’t do well in social settings. I won’t initiate a conversation with a stranger. My face is blank and my eyes are drawn to the ground to stare at the patterns in the carpet. Is it enough to desire new relationships? I can’t reconcile how desperate I feel for companionship with how comfortable I am with being alone. I wasn’t always this way. When I was younger I was full of confidence. I had a large circle of friends and I never found any situation uncomfortable. My life felt right. At some point in my twenties I felt myself slide into this darkness. Feeling the depression was as much a part of me as breathing air into lungs and the beat of my heart. The more I stayed to myself, the more anxious I grew at the thought of venturing back out. I can’t blame my friends. Admittedly I used to. I thought “They all gave up on me. They walked away when I needed them.” But I was lying to myself. It was easier to blame them because then I didn’t have to do anything to fix this mess. They were culpable and I was a victim.

Tonight I left the comfort of my porch and I found myself walking a path that should be familiar to me. The dark of the night swallows my memories and I find myself wandering. The clouds once thick were beginning to disperse. The moon’s light was so bright the nightingale serenaded my walk. I nearly stumbled over a rock next to the path. Just ahead, the glistening of the frozen pond caught my eye. I couldn’t, or didn’t wish, to go any further. I had avoided that pond during the warmer seasons because of my dream. But tonight it sat frozen and didn’t seem so ferocious. I took a seat on the cold rock surrounded by the majestic orchestra of the forest. The crickets chirped. The insects trilled. And the nightingale welcomed me.

The pond sat quiet and frozen in time but still alive. She was speaking to me without words.

“It is safe here. You will not sink.” I drew in a deep breath, filling my lungs. I released the air and watched the vapor rise and disperse into nature. Tears began to warm my cheeks.

“How can I feel so surrounded by peace and strength when I sit here alone?”

The pond spoke to me again reassuring me.

‘You aren’t alone. Here is where you find yourself. You are the strength that you feel. You will always have doubt, but it will never be so heavy again to pull you under. ‘

I stood up and stepped closer to her icy cover. My reflection was blurred. The tears faded and I smiled.

“I won’t sink. Never again will I sink.”

I turned around to find the path and it was again familiar. Tomorrow will be a warm day and the frozen pond will be filled with movement. I was soon home. I know tonight didn’t magically erase what has paralyzed my life. It will still be a struggle. But I know my friends just didn’t walk away. Each of them knocked on a locked door that I just didn’t have the key to open yet. They invited me and I always had an excuse to say no. Soon they stopped knocking. They stopped asking because they were tired of my rejection. I haven’t found all the answers I need but what I have found is a desire to live my life. I will still have hard days. Depression and anxiety won’t disappear because of a moment by the pond.

I would sit by the fire all night wanting to remember every moment in the forest and I know tonight will live with me forever. How could I possibly forget the night I found hope?