The selfish vow.

“Don’t worry. I am good at saying no when I need some time for myself.” Although my statement was true to me, Peter was not convinced.

“I haven’t seen that yet.”

Despite the big smile, his words became a trigger. With a tad of resistance, my reality started to shift that day. Only had I known this man for a few weeks, yet it felt like he saw through all of my masks - even the ones I did not know I was wearing.

As the next couple of weeks went by, I had become awfully conscious about my Yes’s and my No’s. It did not affect my decisions at first, although I slowly started to evaluate my reasoning. It occurred that too often I was an expert at compromising my wants and needs and shooting down any inner doubts with arrows of justification.

One day I went to see someone whose invite I had put a pin in, long enough that my conscience started to chafe. As many times before, the conversations were one-sided, and anything I said was skilfully cut short and transformed into a monologue. Once again, I left feeling like I could have spent the time and energy doing something more fulfilling. Although, I told myself the same thing as when I decided to pay the visit: “It only takes a few hours of my day.” An argument I had used many times before only this time, it felt like a poor excuse, and I was painfully aware.

Later that day, I received a call from my coach Michael, and I laid all the cards on the table. The sentence that had triggered me a couple of weeks earlier, all the awareness that surfaced ever since, and the lies uncovered.

“Oh, I used to be a people pleaser too. It is an awful feeling.”

If Peters’ words were a nudge, Michaels’ statement hit me like a slap in the face. Even though I am the kind of person who likes when people give it to me straight, the sound of reality cracking the pampered illusion wide open is not pretty. I slowly started to observe myself from a more sober perspective that day.

My previous image of a people pleaser was much different from my behaviours. A people pleaser, to me, was someone who lacks their own will and acts as a chameleon. My opinions did not sway if people disagreed, I did set boundaries in my relationships, and I said no to events that did not excite me. However, thrown into the mix of determining factors was often a wish to ‘do the right thing and be a good person.’ The question I never asked was: For whom?

In the last two months of 2021, I put a lot of thought into what and who I said Yes and No to and how it affected me. As well as I discovered and addressed the feeling of responsibility in making sure people around me was happy.

The hard part was to figure out what I truly wanted; without considering what others might prefer or expect. It forced me to become a master in uncovering my own excuses and telling my people pleaser to sit her ass down, as she started to guilt trip me for prioritising my happiness.

It was first when I started to learn to be selfish - that I understood what being selfless truly meant. By holding space to reflect and find my inner voice, I could be there for people with more energy and authenticity. As well as I realised that being ‘a good person’ has no value if it does not come from the heart, and ‘doing the right thing’ is pointless if it isn’t genuine.

Acknowledging and facing my own people pleaser was not an easy or cheerful encounter. Even as my fingers run across the keyboard tonight, her whispers echo in the back of my mind, reminding me of the people to whom I said no when I chose to snuggle up at home and write. My people pleaser and I are no longer in battles, but more often in conversations. By understanding what I need to feel good in myself and to fill my cup, my decisions and actions start to derive from a place of love and honesty.

Peters’ observation became a catalyst, and the road from discovery to implementing change is a slow and wobbly process - still in progress. However, it was an important discovery and a necessary piece of luggage to unpack as it has set the intention for my 2022.

This year, I have made myself a promise to not rush into decisions, to listen inwards, and make sure any yes or no has a healthy foundation. Not only by asking myself if the things I say Yes to feel right, but to see the bigger picture by asking: What am I saying No to?

Because the truth is, every Yes comes with a price, whether it is time, energy, or money. Every time we say Yes to something or someone, we say No to something else, and it is important to know what it is and how it affects us before we commit.

My commitment in 2022 is to stop saying Yes when it means I have to say no to myself. Because regardless of how good we want to be for others, it starts with how we treat and talk to ourselves. That is why this year, I am being selfish - so that being selfless can come from the heart, and with the best intention.