The Road to Authenticity

We've all done it before - stuck in that weird state of writer's paralysis, staring at a blank page for an embarrassing amount of time, overthinking how we want whatever we're about to create to be perceived by the world. That's where I was at the beginning of this journal entry, caught between the tug-and-pull of being afraid of my own vulnerability, and being excited by it. And to my surprise? My excitement was winning.

That feeling of confidence is new for me. I have never considered myself qualified to preach to anyone about anything regarding Life. Especially when mine isn’t exactly what most would call “aesthetic”. I still don't! I'm just feeling particularly brave about giving myself a voice.

Let me make this very clear: I am not here to tell you how you should live your life. I am here to share with what I found out about mine.

Pardon my French, but I'm pretty sure it’s my fucking right as a writer, as a creative, as an artist, as a human being, to take up space and express my thoughts and feelings, deep or trivial, even when nobody asked for it. And you know what? Sometimes, just because no one asked for it doesn’t mean someone doesn’t need to hear it (or in this case, read it).

Please don't take anything here personal, it's not like I haven't said, like, 3 times that this is just a journal entry about about my life. I am talking to myself here more than anything. Okay? Okay.

Here we go.

1. I cannot control what is outside of me.

Read that again.

You hear that knock? That’s the sink. Make some space, let it in.

After I moved out of my nest, I realized I had brought with me this terrible habit of neglecting myself and my needs, because in all honesty, it's what I was used to. I was better at taking care of other people than I was of taking care of myself. And in doing so, I took on other people’s stress when I didn’t have to.

I was an energy sponge, absorbing everyone's feelings (good and bad), over-analyzing unsaid emotions, over-compensating for making someone mad, over-reactive, overly defensive. I was all out of whack. And even still, I chose myself last. There was this seemingly incurable, irresistible urge to scoop up everyone's problems and solve it, control it, before giving it back to them, even when I couldn't even figure out my own.

It is such a waste of your precious energy to worry about shit that has absolutely nothing to do with you. I had to learn to meet people where they are without feeling the need to change them or their situation. I had to learn to take things for what they are, not for what I wanted them to be, or worse, what I thought they were.

I was making myself miserable trying to control these things that were outside of me.

It’s like the saying goes: You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink it. Don’t try to jump or stoop to someone’s level so you can better match them. There are too many fuckin’ people in this work for you to think there is no one out there that will match your current frequency.

Dude, when I tell you, I read one (yes, ONE chapter) of "The Let Them Theory" by Mel Robbins and I think it forever altered my brain chemistry. I'm not doing the author nearly enough justice trying to echo her message, but it was so so so so so sooooo important to me. Let people figure things out on their own. Let Them be mad, let them complain, let them have a bad day, let them be wrong about you, let them not like you, let them show you who they are.

Let them be them so you can do you, and then, everyone’s happy (or not, but who really gives a fuck anymore? Read number one again).

2. You are NOT a shapeshifter.

As you probably already tell, I’m no stranger to being a people-pleaser.

Every day, I was consumed by the anxiety of being a disappointment to my family, friends, boss, hell, even strangers. I remember continuously crying about how it felt like nothing I did was ever going to be enough for anyone. Every day, I felt unloved, because it felt like no one really liked or gave a fuck about me. I thought they only liked and gave a fuck about what I could do for them. It felt like nothing I wanted mattered. And I know I’m not the only one in this world who has struggled with low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness. It fucking sucks.

I blamed myself so much through those hard years. I was so deep into the people-pleasing pool, I used to wish I was a shapeshifter, so I could effortlessly turn into whatever someone needed me to be.

Yes, I can be the home nurse. Yes, I can be the perfect girlfriend. Yes, I can be the perfect daughter. Yes, I can be the man of the house. Yes, I can be sexy or modest. I can be smart, stupid, quieter, softer and oh, you need a business partner? No problem, I’m a graphic designer, I can design your logo! Hell, I can build your business from the ground up! Yes, I can give you all my money, you need it more than me, anyway! I can be the chef, the maid, the therapist, the marriage counselor, the fun pothead, the crazy alcoholic. I can be anything you want, anything you want! Just please be happy with me, please just like me, please just tell me I’m doing something right! Please!

Please, gimmie a fuckin’ break…

I was so caught up in wanting my parents or anyone's approval and was hooked on external validation. I truly felt I was nothing without it. If I wasn’t useful to someone or putting them before me or breaking off pieces of myself just to “please” someone else, I was nothing. Everything I did, I did for other people. Even when I was doing things for myself, I was doing it because I wanted other people to SEE that I was doing something that would be perceived as “good”. Not because I felt I actually deserved or truly wanted any of those things.

And somewhere along the line, I wondered why I was up at 3am, high out of my mind and mourning the loss of myself.

Now, look. I don't know anything about astrology or zodiacs, but it’s always a fun topic to dive into. Sometimes the readings are so accurate, it’s scary! I am an Aquarius (whatever that means, right?), and I find that a lot of the traits of this sign resonate with who I am as a person. Especially the parts about being an individual who values freedom.

So with all of that out the way, here’s my question (to myself, of course)…

How can I call myself a free-spirit or someone who values freedom, if my value and self-worth is solely dependent on fulfilling other people’s expectations of me?

I discovered the only thing “free” about this exchange is the power I was giving away.

Now, does that sound like “freedom” to you?

3. Where does your faith lie?

Like most Christians, my mom finds a lot of her power and strength in God. He’s gotten her through all of her hardships, and she’s always encouraged me to seek him out in doing the same. “God’s power is activated when you believe,” she told me.

Inspiring as it was, I unfortunately can’t find the same level of power in him anymore.

I wouldn’t call myself religious (for reasons I’ll have to explain another time), but I never realized how much losing my faith actually took a toll on me. And it’s not like I’m some hater of Christianity, or any religion for that matter. I actually miss feeling close to God. I have spent many days mourning that connection I had with him when I was a child. And then I grew up, things got hard, I changed, blah blah blah. Such is the way of life, right?

My point is, there was a period of time where I had to learn how to go about my life without him. And that was incredibly hard to do when I already had zero faith in myself as a person. I felt so unbelievably lost in a world that seemed to hate me for simply existing (go figure why). Yes, I had family and friends here I could rely on, but in the end? I was on my own. The hard truth pill I had trouble swallowing was I had to figure out my own shit and no one was coming to save me.

I had somehow survived the depression of my teens, moved out of New York, and was now blindly floating through the fog that was my 20s in Chicago. The Lazy River chapter of my life had begun, and I was drifting along with no real direction, no real destination, because honestly, I didn’t plan my life this far ahead. I didn’t think I’d make it this far. And now here I am, alive and well, wondering what the fuck do I do now?

Talk about awkward, lol.

I had to start from scratch, but that was never a problem for me. I’ve always loved new beginnings, clean slates, fresh starts. I was ready for this new challenge, even though I had no fucking clue what I was doing. And you know what? I’d like to argue that sometimes, the best plan is no plan.

No plan meant I could live in the moment. No plan meant no pressure, because it was my time now. I make all the choices now. I do all the work that is meaningful to me now. I could listen to myself without all the noise in the background. I could filter out what inner voices I was using to talk negatively about myself now.

No more hiding. No more pretending. No more contorting, no more shapeshifting. There wasn’t anyone trying to change me into something I wasn’t anymore. It was just me.

I finally gave myself the permission to just fuckin' be.

I learned that my faith in myself has to be so much stronger than whatever itch I was trying to scratch with external validation. I learned that a lot of my insecurities and inner voice and negative self-talk wasn’t even my own. It was all things I learned outside of myself and internalized them as fact. Being alone plus being surrounded by the right people taught me that I am so much more capable than I ever thought I was. And after some years, I managed to build that confidence and faith in my own abilities.

And yeah, I still miss being close to God. Or maybe I just missed having faith in someone. Or someone having faith in me that will love me unconditionally.

Know what I just realized while writing that? I can be that someone for myself.

So for now, this is my reminder: Your power will always come from inside of you.

Here’s an affirmation I like to say every now and again: As uncertain as I may be now, I will have everything I want later!

4. Follow YOUR OWN formula.

Alright, last thing and I promise I won't hold you hostage anymore. But is anybody else’s YouTube dashboard just FULL of self-improvement videos? It’s making me a little sick.

I know, I know, it’s my fault the algorithm is set up that way in the first place. I’ve sunk so many hours into watching people talk about shit like “Winter Arcs”, “How to Glow Up in X Amount of Time”, “Sunday Reset”, “2025 Goals”, “Arcane and the Dangers of Snowbunny Mind Control” (not many will get that one). You'd think after all the How Tos, I'd be an expert at my own life by now, right?

Wrong. So so wrong.

All these content creators and influencers and public figures are all playing a game of telephone. Each video is a carefully constructed, sometimes tried and true formula that has worked to enhance their lives in some way. And that's great! They've done their job, I am now influenced. “Wow, this is some cool stuff. This makes a lot of sense. I want to add this to my life,” me thinks.

And then I try to add said things to my life. Can you imagine the donkey staring back at me in the mirror when I ask myself why this shit ain't working?

Maybe you already know this, but when you’re trying to make improvements in your life, other people can’t tell you what those improvements should be. They can only tell you what works for them. And sure, some things might align with what you need at that moment. But I didn’t come to all these realizations by being a fuckin’ copy cat. I may have been inspired by all those videos, sure. But when I really thought about it, I should be looking at those YouTube videos the same way I look at my damn Pinterest board!

If I know I'm not a morning person, why would I think I can suddenly wake up at 4am just to go to the gym at 5am, then be home and shower by 6am before having to catch my 7am bus so I can make it to work at 8am, when I've literally never done it before? I can't change my life that quickly! There are some things I have to ease my way into, AND THAT'S OKAY!

You're not a failure for not sticking with that routine you see online, you're not a loser if you prefer a lighter exercise over heavy lifting, you're not a disappointment because you didn't do that 75 day hard challenge, because you didn't do the winter arc trend, because you eat meat over tofu-

AHHHHHH WHO FUCKING CARES?????

Your routine should be adjusted to YOUR LIFE and ONLY. YOUR. LIFE. Those people are at a point in their lives where they can take on those challenges and that's great for them! You can take on challenges too, but please do it in a way that's not going to overwhelm you along with all the other shit you already have going on. And even then, if you feel like you have the means to do it anyway, do it!

Do it because you want to! Not because someone told you to!

Make a plan that works for you and you alone! Adjust when needed, then pick yourself up and try again! You are trying to concoct a blend of new habits for the betterment of YOUR life. Something you've never really done before to this capacity.

There will be trial and error, that's part of the journey. You will get disappointed, you will get frustrated, but at least it won't be because someone else gave you info that doesn't work for you. It'll be because you're actively learning yourself and what your mind/body/soul truly needs. You're adapting to yourself in real time! Isn't that way more powerful and freeing than trying to adapt to any trends going on in social media???

Alright, I think I'm done ranting. If you made it this far, you're a real trooper. Like I said before, these are just some realizations I've had about myself, and I just wanted to share my thoughts. If this resonates with anyone, feel free to share your own thoughts and stories! I'm glad you can see yourself in my journey.

‘Kay, bye!