The Pawn Transformed into a Queen

Trigger warning: This discusses abuse, mental health, and suicide. Please take precautions.

I think the first time I felt true “hope” was when I saw Air Jordan fly across the basketball court and slam dunk. I always looked up to Cinderella stories and now that I’m older I realize it's because it was the only hope I had.

I didn’t grow up like most kids but I looked like an average one. They always say we can’t help the situation we are born into or change our family and well it's true. Most of my life, I wished I could have the power to change things but after years of fighting...I would honestly tell you...I’m proud of who I am and I wouldn’t change a thing.

My name is Amber Hope (yes that's my real last name) and I survived childhood abuse.

California...beautiful, Sunny, Hollywood, success, happiness, surfers, pretty people, utopia… the list goes on. I always wanted to be there. I was raised by a 15 year old single mom. The majority of my childhood was spent watching films, being outside pretending to make films or listening to music for hours. I would analyze the sounds and the shots and just want to be able to make things like that one day. I dreamt of it and I promised myself that I would someday leave for this utopia and find true peace making my own films and music in California.

I grew up in South Carolina. For most people who don't know what that's like, there is not a lot of diversity and pretty much everyone pretends to like the same things to fit in and pretends to hate the same things as well. Since my mom was a teenager, I grew up in what we called the “projects” or “low income housing” I was considered “odd”. Most people associate this with violence and racism and well that's partially true but also not true. We were just poor and trying to survive. I grew up in a home where I understood what mental health was. My grandma was diagnosed with “schizoaffective” disorder and somehow still managed to raise her own 4 kids, plus me as a single parent. Till this day, that woman still amazes me. Anyway, I didn’t know that how I grew up was hard until the last few years. It's easy to withhold emotions and tuck them away...and I did that for years..until I finally wanted to be set free.

When I was 6 my mom met my step dad while visiting my real dad in prison. A few years after they met, they were married. By the time I was 9, I was already being molested by my stepdad. It's honestly something I don’t want to talk about but I had to survive...He was scary. He threatened my life and those that I loved. So I felt I had to do it. Little did I know this weighed so heavily on me. For years, I couldn't focus on who I was. I just had to be strong. I had to survive. I had to “GET THROUGH”. My sights were always set on California though. The days he would come home and hold guns to our faces and threaten us…

My mind was in california

When he would rampage and hurt my mom and I

My mind would drift to california

I would pretend to smell the air and feel the sun on my skin. Anything to disassociate from the reality that I was living. We had to run for our lives and go in hiding but yet to be found and punished by him again and again.

I was picked on at home, I was picked on at school but the one thing I had in life was music and film. It was what I looked up to

Years went by, and pain carried on. By the time I was 13, my stepdad tried robbing a camera from a store and he got caught. It changed my life forever. I was put into the system but I was happy. I got a chance to start fresh in a new state called Florida and I didn’t have to be abused anymore and this was the first step to understanding what abuse actually was.

By the time it was my senior year in high school, I had to take my step dad to court and press charges. It was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my entire life. He kept changing his pleas and I had to miss a lot of school and my grades suffered. I powered through and he was sent to prison for time served. Not exactly what I thought would happen but fast forward two years later and we are sitting in court again pressing charges but this time for attempted murder. He tried to kill my mom but since she survived... he got a lesser charge. He was sentenced to 10 years. Yet...another surprise but now at this time,I'm finishing college and my eyes are set on Los angeles.

By the time I was 22, I moved across the country in my car to go to film school in LA. I worked a full time job doing the graveyard shift while going to school full time just to survive in CA. My boyfriend’s (at the time) mom passed away and we had to find ourselves moving back to South carolina.

Now, this did not go well for me. I was insanely depressed and I noticed my weight was getting worse. I felt like my entire life and dreams were in california. I felt like I was on a mission to be a film director and tell people my story. I felt like I could help others get through things by sharing my story and my way of sharing was always creating through film and music. Its again, what got me through the pain. It was my escape, it was my outlet. I want to give back. But now, I’m stuck working overnights in my hometown and not in school anymore.

Life was catching up. I was going into my late 20’s and obease and I finally deciding to move back to southern california. My thoughts ate into me. I hated every aspect of my being. I wanted to be a filmmaker but I was an overnight stocker who was increasingly gaining weight. I wanted to see myself when I looked in the mirror, instead of this fat ugly girl that looked like someone I didn’t know.

This is the part I wish I could skip or tell you in another way but there is no other way than to say that I tried to commit suicide. Luckily, I was able to have a second chance but from that moment on...I was changed. A part of me did die...but a new part of me was born and this girl that decided to live - was ready to actually live.

I got a therapist and she was the first person I told my story to in one sitting and she was crying. This was the moment that made me realize that I grew up hard and deserved to be kinder to myself. The thing is, I was learning to be my own parent and take control of my life. I wanted to process these emotions and move forward.

I wanted a chance to turn everything back around and do all the things I’ve always wanted to do, so I made a list.

I needed to move back to LA and get a job That I loved. So I quit working as a grocery stocker and started taking free classes in town to learn how to make a professional resume. I got 5 job offers in LA and one was for working in the video game industry. So I happily took it and it was a huge accomplishment working in the entertainment industry for the first time. By this point, I was over 300lbs and felt stuck but I finally felt happy enough to start focusing on my next task.

LOSE WEIGHT.

Everyday at 5am, I got up and worked out. I completely changed my diet and lost 150lbs in one year! YES, I FINALLY SAW THE GIRL that was on the INSIDE matching the OUTSIDE.

Thing is I didn’t let my dreams stop there. Since 2018 I’ve won a twitch Pubg Tournament against pro gamers and celebrities, began lifting weights, and lifted over 250lbs. My weight loss story was published in a book called “The legends of change” and most importantly not just that but I started acting again in 2019. I’ve talked on shows such as “orange is the new black” about the injustice of my mom and step dad and I’m still living in LA. I’m a full time actor, and aspiring director. I’ve been writing a feature film that I plan on raising money to make. This film I plan on being my first full length feature that I directed, that subconsciously educates about mental health and how to survive.

I want to give back to the community and help others get through things that I’ve gone through. I now spend my time playing and writing music and bringing awareness to mental health. I also have become a professional archer and use archery as a form of meditation (no hunting - I’m vegan). June 20th, 2021 I broke 3 national records at the USA Archery Traditional Nationals and won 7 medals.

It's possible to get out of any situation and I hope this inspires others to never give up on their dreams. I still have a long journey ahead of me but I’m thankful to have another chance at life and to keep going. Slow and steady always wins the race...I just remember to breathe and stay true to my feelings.

I am here

I am alive

I am healing

I am thriving

I am enough

I am not stuck

Everyday is a fresh start

Amber Hope

@mcammertime