The North American Cultural Concepts We Should Improve

I consider Canada my home, however, I have spent significant amounts of time studying, working and living in other countries. My ‘foreign stints’ include: Germany for part of my undergrad degree, teaching at University in Seoul, Korea, and working in Abu Dhabi and Milan. While I’ve visited many other countries as well, the above are what I consider deeper, cultural experiences during which I made local friendships and became part of that country’s mainstream life.

Without even realizing it, we often think of culture as a stable ‘thing’. We say things to immigrants such as “oh, you should keep your culture!”, as if they can put it in their pocket. Yet, culture is neither a thing, nor is it unchanging. Culture everywhere is ever-evolving. It has to, because we, as a species are ever evolving (1). Cultures influence each other in both negative and positive ways and while there are many things in current North American culture which I deeply appreciate, there are others that I feel could be very much upgraded by learning from cultures around the world.

Politeness is Not Sexist

That North American emancipation high-horse sometimes gets a little too high.

For example, a female acquaintance recently had an argument with a European man that she went on a date with because he opened doors for her. Apparently, this was very masochistic of him. Except that this man, in European fashion, opens doors for most people — men and women alike. It’s called politeness.

If a North American woman states that someone who is polite must be sexist, then what she is actually saying is that no one in North America is polite due to good manners and good breeding alone. She is saying that she, herself, has never held a door for anyone, just to be nice. In conclusion, what she is saying is that North Americans should learn from Europeans that letting someone go in front, holding the door for someone, helping someone on with their coat, helping someone get something from a high shelf…those are things you do, not because you are sexist, but because you are a well bred human.

Dress for the Occasion

When a man or woman in Abu Dhabi or Milan goes to the gym they wear leggings or sweats. When they go to work, they wear professional clothes. When they go to a wedding or gala they wear a suit/tux or gown.

I have seen seemingly cultured people in North America show up to a wedding in what they called their ‘fancy’ jeans. As an employer, I’ve had a girl show up for an interview in shorts so short I saw things I can never unsee.

Sure, go ahead. Call it ‘relaxed and comfortable’. Say that it shows that you are confident enough to not care what you look like. In fact, you are actually being disrespectful with your lack of effort.

Pulling off a wedding or gala, takes large amounts of money and preparation, which go into making that event beautiful for you, as the guests. When you make an effort to look your best, you are saying to the host that you are making that effort for them, to thank them for the effort which they made for you.

When you go to a job interview, the employer wants to see that you care. When you put in the time to look as polished as you can, you are showing that this job means something to you.

No one is saying we should look like the representatives of Fashion Week every time we step outside our front door. However, we should take a cue from other countries and take pride in the effort we put into looking appropriate for the occasion.

Being Cultured is Not Related to Your Sexual Orientation

Far too often, it is normal for an educated, heterosexual man in North America to have zero knowledge of fine art, avoid museums at all costs, and only go to anything involving theatre when forced by a female companion. When a man loves art and culture, North American society tries to pigeonhole him as having to be LGBTQ+ to some degree, as if being cultured cannot be heterosexual.

In both Asia and Europe, a man is considered attractive and intelligent when he is well rounded and interested in the world around him, regardless of his sexual orientation. An appealing human, of any sexual orientation, may love a good beer and a sports game. But, they are equally knowledgeable in history and the arts. Being well-rounded has nothing to do with sexual self-definition or orientation.

A Woman Can Be As Sexy as She Is Smart

North American society, for all it’s wokeness, is terrible at pigeonholing women as well. As a woman who is generally considered attractive, not only men, but also other women, have tried to shove me into boxes my whole life. For some reason, it is inconceivable that I should feel comfortable embracing my femininity but also love being a career-woman. It makes no sense that I should love my sexual side but not be (what is considered) promiscuous. It is wrong that I love to laugh, dress pretty and have girl’s nights and yet have a doctorate and be a competent professional.

Take a cue from Italian and French women. From my experience, they are the masters of embracing their sexual and sensual feminine side while being classy, smart and oftentimes very powerful. And, please stop pigeonholing women as having to be either sexy OR smart, feminine OR emancipated.

Taking Accountability for Personal Growth

North American culture is currently very much into self-compassion. Stanford University defines self-compassion as “valuing one’s own pursuit of happiness and aversion towards suffering, and behaving in accordance with those values; transforming negative thought habits, attitudes, emotional biases”. (2)

If you go to Asia, or most European countries, someone who has social anxiety might say “I am socially anxious because of x, y and z. I apologize if I come off as awkward. I am working on this”.

In North America, an equivalent individual would instead say “I have social anxiety because of x, y, and z. I have learned to have self compassion and accept this about myself.”

What the North American often fails to say is that they are taking accountability for growth and improvement. This means that they are expecting everyone around them to accept everything about them and thus make the necessary accommodations for them to function without any necessity for self-work.

This is taking the “aversion towards suffering” from the above definition of self-compassion to an extreme, and turning it into an “aversion to any inconvenience to myself”.

I say this as the mother of an autistic teen. Our son will always require accommodations to have a functional and fulfilling life. However, we teach him that he also has a responsibility to learn and grow as a person to the highest point of his potential and ask for accommodations when what is required in a particular situation is beyond that potential. He should not expect accommodation because it is uncomfortable or scary to try.

As H.W. Shaw said “It is not only the most difficult thing to know oneself, but the most inconvenient one, too.” (3) Be self-compassionate to yourself. But, also realize that “The big challenge is to become all that you have the possibility of becoming. You cannot believe what it does to the human spirit to maximize your human potential and stretch yourself to the limit.” (4)

Published also on Medium