The Long Road Back To Myself

This year started off with such promise. I had an loving relationship and traveled more than ever, but my same underlying trauma knocked me down. I saw one of my best friends get married after seeing him struggle to find love. During that ceremony I felt the love and it hurt me inside knowing I couldn't love my girlfriend that same way. So I ran away once more thinking I was too broken to be loved, too broken to be healed, and the same I'll never be good enough.

Then I had the opportunity of a lifetime for a big archaeology project which a fellow friend recommended to me. Then came the same resounding fears that I won't make it because I'm not good enough. Well 6 months later and a successful field season proved that to be false. I succeeded in ways i didn't know i could and I felt the pain of loneliness even more. I started drinking again, and I gave into my vices but I always came back around sober.

Time after time I was fighting to be whole again. I hated being broken, I finally got on medications that I had been holding off because admitting I needed help was harder than my own suffering. I've met more amazing people this year that have allowed me to become whole. Letting me be the man I want to be In whatever form that came. There's no greater gratitude than meeting people who allowed you to flourish in your uniqueness instead of trying to conform you.

Along my travels I was told this piece of advice that blew my mind. They told me " Give others the dignity of their own journey". So now everytime I get frustrated or flustered with someone I have to sit with that quote in my head. Patience has never been one my virtues and this year I had to pause, and take a deep breath while living. Whether it was with a coworker who got on my nerves every single day, or with a needy sibling who wanted my attention, I was forced to find the patience to persevere.

My journey this year had a new goal in mind. I chose to visit the places that brought me great pain in the past. Places that I lost friends, and family and myself in. I returned through the lens of healing to allow these spaces to become something new.Something greater than they once were.
In some form of masochistic way of enduring through my pain in order to find the light. Because I can't allow these places to always hurt me. I returned to South Korea to remember one of my best friends in the army. South Korea was the place we started drifting apart because of the military and I always regretted it. I punished him with my alcoholism because back then I had no idea I was an alcoholic. I didn't know what the disease looked like or the toll it would take on me. I still think of those times gently. His name was Gardener but we called him Gnome. He was one hell of a guy, and I dont know where in the world he is now.

My next stop was returning to Thailand after I ended my relationship early in the year. I wanted to reexplore Thailand on my own terms and was reminded of why I loved the country so much.
Yet, I feel so stupid for trying to heal in the places that hurt. I miss all the people I've lost along the way because moments like this remind me of a greater love. They remind me that I am carrying all of them with me on every journey. Whether it be the friends and family who passed on or walked different paths. I have those little moments where I think to myself they would have loved this and part of me wishes they were there with me.
It could be anything like a picturesque sunset on top of a mountain or a delicious meal. Those little sparks of joy radiate the most when I remember the light of others I carry within me. That I am still able to carry them and feel joy is a miracle all on its own.

There have been so many lessons this year that have shaped my life for better or worse. After all is that not the human experience? We don't experience just one grand lesson of life. They are spread over time often overlapping and we only learn after the suffering has passed. In the moment every lesson learned has some pain associated with it and you don't feel like continuing. Then suddenly time passes and there is this enlightenment when the pieces begin to fit. You meet the right people, experience the world a bit differently and the days don't blur like they used to.

So if there is one important lesson I would like to share this year it would be to keep persevering. I love the saying let go or be dragged because that is what life will do to you. There is a better future out there but it requires doing the hard work of healing. No one is immune from this. I chose to find the beauty in the pain of healing in order to see the world through a different lens. I chose to explore new experiences despite being afraid every step of the way.
I came to terms with past regrets and devoted this year to avoiding making more. I didn't always get it right and sometimes I felt like I lost more than I gained. The truth is however, that I always broke even. I was given everything I needed and sometimes I got what I wanted.

I hope everyone can end this year with a little more love in their hearts and find a way to experience life through the ups and downs. Cause me? I'm still trying to make the best of it all.