The Good Test Grade That Broke Me

Organic chemistry was one of those courses that took everything out of me but gave me so much more at the same time. It was a relentless pursuit of knowledge; a pursuit that tested what I thought was once possible. How many mechanisms and reactions can I actually learn? It turns out, a lot more than I thought.

Apparently, I was actually pretty good at organic chemistry. After finally mustering up the courage and hushing the voices in my head that told me not to turn the page, I picked up my exam from the neat paper pile on my professor’s desk. Weeks of studying and hours of practice led to this moment and emotions were high.

I began looking through my test to see what was marked wrong instead of immediately seeing my score. I was shocked to see very little was marked wrong! I had low confidence in myself (I always do, for some reason, academically) and it was hard to believe what I was seeing. I did well?

Only one way to confirm. I flipped to the very first page to see my written score. I was walking across campus in the middle of a crowd and immediately stopped in my tracks. My score was amazing and well above the class average!

The Rest Of The Day

I went home that day on Cloud 9. It is one thing to know you did well on something, but it is a completely different feeling knowing you did well despite your brain using all its energy to convince you of the opposite. Realistically, I felt confident about the test and knew I was very well prepared, but my brain was determined to dismiss these feelings and push anxiety onto me instead.

Before knowing my score, I had planned to study some organic chemistry for my next upcoming test. Now, I told myself I deserved a day off. Perhaps this decision was the start of my demise.

My Mental State Starts Unraveling

It only took one day for the good effects to sour.

First, came a feeling of “What now”? After what felt like an eternity of working toward a good grade, I finally got it. But, what comes left? What comes next?

I felt oddly empty inside; something I can perhaps attribute to basing my entire life around this one test. Now that the test was over and I did well, what was I supposed to do with myself?

The original plan was to work towards the next test but something else had plagued me that stopped that from happening: laziness. Why work once you’ve won the lottery?

The odd feeling of emptiness combined with newfound laziness was a recipe for disaster.

The Feelings Intensify

A few days later, I look at the calendar, trying to figure out when my next exam for the course was. It turns out, I had managed to spend almost a week in confusion, anxiety, and a lost state. Time had slipped by me without me even realizing it. I couldn’t figure out why I accomplished one of my greatest goals and still felt at a loss. And to make matters worse, I had an alarmingly short amount of time to prepare for my next exam.

Feeling aimless and having lost my work ethic almost completely, my brain started to convince me that I would fail the next exam. Something good had happened to me, and my brain was determined to sabotage it.

My mind convinced me that I may have done well in one test, but that I would surely fail the next one. A one-hit wonder, a one-trick pony.

Two good things just can’t happen to me in a row.

Especially not if I couldn’t find the motivation to study for the next test.

Imposter Syndrome

Seeing how little time I had left before the exam woke something up within me. I needed to figure out what in the world was happening to me. In hindsight, the feelings are identifiable, but at the moment, the feelings were daunting and as clear as Galveston waters (for you non-Texans, I mean murky).

I spoke with one of my friends who brought up an interesting potential diagnosis: Imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome, as described by BetterUp, “is the condition of feeling anxious and not experiencing success internally, despite being high-performing in external, objective ways.”

Once, I realized I was experiencing imposter syndrome, it seemed everything clicked for me. I was finally able to identify what exactly was causing me so much distress. It made sense after all: I put immense pressure and expectations on myself to the point where nothing would be good enough.

A Resolution Is Reached

Time really does heal all. Slowly, I managed to build up my self-confidence and learn to be proud of my grade once again. I stopped letting the fear of having a “one-hit wonder” define me and decided to hit the ground running for the next test. The grade now wasn’t hindering me, it was fueling me. It is possible to be successful twice in a row. I am capable. And as it turns out, in the end, I was successful because I was indeed capable.

To anyone out there who believes that good things can’t happen to them or that once they do they don’t deserve it or that it was a “mistake” or just “luck”, I need you to remember that you do deserve it.

The seed that no one believes will grow can blossom into a beautiful flower with hard work, determination, and above all: belief in yourself.