The Freedom of Being Ourselves (Whether Others Like Us or Not)

"Be yourself. Everyone else has been taken." ~ Oscar Wilde

"Cringey" is what my kids called it. Me? I was just Sam.

After hitting the "post" on my highly emotional Instagram video - one of those more than a minute of staff from Instagram TV - I closed the app and got a little nervous. Maybe I said too much? Maybe I removed them with too much honesty? Too open? And… at risk?

A few hours after I shared that five-minute video, full of tears about not giving up on our dreams, I didn't have the courage to sign in to see how many fans I had lost. Or delete this item, as this will require you to sign in again. Stress me in my day and punish myself for this old Sam Oversharing case.

Damage. When will I study?

To cope with my emotional turmoil, I often turn to the trail. The very act of putting one foot in front of the other comforts my anxious soul, putting me in a renewed perspective. So that’s what I did, the day I thought I shared the most: I walked.

And as always, I started to see things more clearly after asking myself three questions:

1. What were my goals for sharing video?

2. Did I have something understandable and true to offer?

3. Why was it important that the other person think?

Let me break it down for you, because I have an epiphany that seems so boring, I'm almost ashamed to write about it. How could it be less obvious?

The answer to all three questions has to do with one simple fact: I was just that. That's all.

In the process of becoming who we are, we allow others to see who we really are. I am outgoing, extremely sharing, comfortable, and sometimes playful, heart-wrenching, full of insecurity and rich in idiosyncrasies.

I eat a lot of chips, talk openly about my hormones and hairy legs, and I seem to care deeply about the reassurance of others. Nice to meet you.

Look, this isn't the first time I've put myself and all my sensitiveness on display. I have a long history of posting about my life in the Show Show and surviving the fall.

At the time I was trapped in my new boots at Toronto airport, clutching the broken zipper while holding the line as angry travelers wanted to help get them out. I wrote about it.

At the time I thought the dog was lost but I had just forgotten it in the car after taking me on a midnight shopping trip for junk food. Shared.

Or when I quit my sixteen-year career in finance. I wrote a short novel of this Facebook situation, carefully creating an account in case anyone might decide to judge me for a new start.

At times, I have gone to the social media to express my opinion on such topics as close-knit topics, such as the humiliation of the local media for losing a successful international competition with my children's fitness club. Turns out, there's something printed behind it all, I just didn't see it. So, let's add "nonsense" to the list of adjectives that describe me, and that "don't always do homework."

My point is this: I have come to the conclusion that instead of winning every time I share something, or show how I really feel, I will accept it. I am who I am, and if it makes you uncomfortable, then you can move on. No serious feelings.

Ever since I came to realize that my unclean ways were simply a matter of personal preference, I have felt a measure of freedom. If it becomes me, and it turns out that you love me, okay, okay then! If it's me, but you push, that's cool, too. The people who understand me are the people who are still here. I don’t need everyone and his lost dog to love me. I've been there, I've tried to do that, and it's frustrating.

But if we don't hurt anyone in our requests to be truly us, why don't more people live this way? Probably a factor as to why they're doing so poorly. We are destined to believe that we are not bright enough, young enough, rich enough, illiterate, or well-informed to exist in today's gaming world.

And I'm tired of it, quite frankly.

One of the reasons I left my job last January was the deep longing I had to feel living without apology. Like myself.

Although most of my time as a financial adviser was beneficial, I often felt depressed, needing to behave like my own. I had to get the real Sam back inside me. Keep the cover on her. Silence him for obedience and good reason. I kept this for between thirty and a half forty years until I was almost broken.

Over the past year, however, I have experienced a dramatic change in my priorities. Now I have no obligations, I examine myself without the mouth or the handcuffs.

If I want to submit a piece I have written and say how I really feel, I will do that. Because I can. If I want to get into my depths to see where it leads, I will always do it.

For me, the epidemic has also enlightened me and some practices that have unwittingly harmed me. Being stuck at home showed me that I was actually admitted. I enjoy my time and often find it difficult to give my energy to people outside my family. This is just the truth. Before the epidemic, however, I would say yes to almost any invitation because my boundaries around my mental health were not put above the feelings of others.

Now, if I don’t feel like Zoom-zoom-zoom, I’ve been given a lot of power to just say it as it is. "You know? I don't hear it today. I still love it, but no. I got a date on Netflix and a Tostitos dish. Let's talk about next weekend."

I used to view this as selfishness. But what I’ve learned is that I don’t do anyone any favors when I show something offensive that I don’t want to be in. Because I’m a terrible faker — let’s add that to the list of why I’m the way.