The Desire to Flow, Even Though Your Life Feel Out of Control!

A foundation I thought was solid for me started to crumble June of 2014. Years that I would call beauty will never be the same in my eyes. Change was happening for me without my consent. Life I though was flowing as normal into other directions that was not ideal. The luster for control, what I thought was my life just seem like a dream? That day at the Oncologists office rewrote the story and set the stage for the remainder of our days on this earth of life. Being a team, family, union, that until death do us part became true in the worst way. At least at the time the thoughts that started to run through my mind. Feeling overwhelmed my mind, body and soul. Asking God why? I'm not understanding. Did I do something wrong? Not taking accountability it was time for both of us to start a new journey. We had different assignments to full his heavenly and mines earthly.

Eight years have passed when I finally discovered I was never living life the way I wanted to live. I actually was living life for other satisfactions. I'm never negating my family life wasn't beautiful at times. We had our ups and downs like others. Never par trading we were perfect by no means. Those rose-colored glasses weren't recognizing he had control issues I took as love. Not having my father in my home with me growing up. I never truly had love of a father. My father was still in our lives on weekends, routine visits while my mom worked several jobs so we could have the necessities of life. I had misguided hate in my heart for my father. Just realizing as I'm typing it manifested in my relationships with the opposite sex. Drama demands of control, the battle between the sexes, who's right who's wrong. See we all suffer at the cost of being children. We don't get the choose of knowing who's right and who's wrong in our family dynamite.

We are innocent at the time; our beautiful naive minds don't understand the struggles of life yet. We don't understand the battle of each other trying to prove a point of the struggles they experience as a child they once were. So, we chose sides of what we see. I chose my mother my sister chose my father. The other two sisters stayed neutral. Being the youngest in the group not understanding, because I was just a youthful little one that just wanted to be picked up and loved. Not caught in the battle of whom I'm going to spend time with just left being an orphan. Thank God for my grandmother who raised me. Not faulting my mother because she had to face the world. She was put in the position to provide like the mother and father of this family dynamic. She made that decision when she got out.

She could have stayed and keep losing herself respect? Staying for convenience, but she took a stand and said "No". I deserve better I don't have to take this situation of things that unsatisfactory to myself dignity, my health and my heart. Me being a child I didn't understand those chooses. I just see them fighting, angry, departed, uneasy, unhappy and just not on the same accord. As I matured as a young lady, I started to experience the same. Looking to be love by a father got it in the wrong way. Until one day in the summer of 1994 running into this man at a store. It was a day that would change the course of my life for the next 21 years. Him not being from my city I wouldn't think it would amount out to anything.

We both from different tracks not only emotionally but also racially. So, the odds were against us strongly. The looks, whispers, talks and opinions didn't stop us. That's when life for me seem to take shape. Nineteen years old thinking I could take on the world was all that was on my mind. He came into town to see me and says I Love You and want to be with you. I'm like omg I love you too. So, he decides to relocate from New York to NC for us to start our journey. Being so young my mother fought it. We had long conversation about me not experience life and settling down to young falls on death ears. All I could think is I'm finally being loved by my father. Not seeing through the rose-colored glasses that I needed to sit down and have a serious conversation with my father. To fix my wounds could have changed the course of my life. So, I went with it putting away all the plans I was going to procced for myself was no longer.

Now that I'm 47 years old I'm looking at life differently. Seeing how life flows I understand now why my mother and father made the decisions they had to make for themselves. Sometimes we have to make the hardest decisions in life to find happiness. We should first go inward to fix the heartbreak we have before we break others. Not dealing with our own turbulences in our own hearts can destroy someone else's. That's why it's good to take a step back and see how we can take those rose-colored glasses off. Not wanting to destroy or be destroyed I've taking a setback to fix Gina. to love Gina, to discovery Gina. To finally look at myself and say what have I learned, heal, help, find, discovery, teach and empower another woman that is suffering.

Starting off with looking in my own mirror. Facing it head on and saying ok I need to heal these broken wounds. Take myself off the merry-go-round of self-pity, regret, forcing love, self-acceptance, forgiveness of all, letting go of past hurt, codependency, trauma, anger, and opinions of others. Learning to love others without a purpose of just love. Not to be a benefit for others, but to be a loving spark just for the enjoyment of love. To be in the world and not of this world. Not helping others for clout, but to help others because they need assistance. Not to be judgmental because we all have things going on in lives, we are not proud of.

With all this being said I'm working hard to open myself up to love again without fear. Been through a lot of traumatic events trying to drop it all and let true love come in and not faulter under pressure. I just want to love him as I know I can. Once he appears I will setup to the plate and be vulnerable again. Show him the beautiful side of my soul with honesty and transparence. We all can be a beacon of light for healing others. If we just let, go and open the door to truly be loved once the opportunity presents itself. If you ever feel alone and need someone to release to. Check out the "Bounce Back" on Spotify, www.soreikillc.com or [email protected] and we can connect! I'm wishing all much success on your healing journey of life's evolving door!