The Cure for Loneliness

What is loneliness exactly? We all seem to experience this feeling, but how many of us really understand it? I've felt lonely enough throughout my own life that it's given me plenty of time to examine it, to experiment with it, and to eventually overcome it.

It's been suggested by some that loneliness is nothing more than the craving for companionship. And this would seem reasonable. I've spent a lot of time alone in my life and often found it very depressing. At times I would feel desperate for companionship, whether in the form of friends or a romantic partner, or sometimes both. And despite my attempts, this would often lead to a deeper sense of loneliness. I would sometimes find it challenging to meet or connect with others, to find a partner or make new friends, or to find a community or social group where I really fit in.

Even when I did manage to find these things, it would only offer some temporary relief. Even in the company of others I might once again, over the course of time, find myself overwhelmed with that same sense of loneliness.

I've experienced loneliness when I was alone. But I've also experienced it while in a relationship or among friends, or in a group of people of similar interest. And so I've come to realize that feeling lonely isn't exclusive to being alone. You can be constantly surrounded by other people and still feel deeply lonely.

It would seem that the feeling of loneliness is not merely a craving for companionship, but actually a need for deep connection or intimacy? And yes, there's a difference. All that companionship requires is a physical presence. But intimacy requires a deep psychological and emotional connection.

So even if you have relationships, friendships, acquaintances and so on, if those relationships are shallow and lacking in real intimacy, then you're likely to find yourself still feeling lonely.

Now, if your in a relationship, and that could be any sort of relationship, not only romantic but platonic as well, you could work toward cultivating intimacy, and that will take care of that craving. But the only problem with this is that, if for some reason that relationship doesn't last and you wind up alone, you'll probably feel lonely again.

Or it may be that you're already entirely on your own. You may have no romantic partner, and maybe you have no friends either, or at least none that you find you can connect with deeply. And so the problem, it seems, is not only a lack of intimacy, but how to even meet people and cultivate relationships, how to make new friends, or how to find a community to be a part of.

So what do you do if that's the case? What do you do if you're completely on your own? Do you just accept the fact that you're alone? Well, yes.

What I've observed in myself, as well as in many others, is that when we feel lonely our initial response is to try and escape it. Really what we're doing is resisting being alone.

Now I went through something like this not very long ago, where I was trying to make new friends, looking for a potential partner, trying to find a community of like-minded people, and it was disappointment after disappointment. Despite all my attempts nothing seemed to be working. I was all on my own, feeling frustrated and restless, feeling sorry for myself.

And I came to I realize that my frustration was due to my own resistance; resistance to the moment, to the current reality, resistance to being alone. And so I decided to try a different approach. Instead of resisting being alone, I was going to just sit with it. I decided to accept it and embrace it, to surrender to the current reality, to observe the feelings that arose in me, to understand it, and perhaps to learn how to be a peace with it.

I had come to understand through observing my feelings that this feeling of loneliness was indeed a desire for intimacy. But what I also came to realize was that most of us lack intimacy, not merely with others, but with ourselves. That is to say that we don't have a deep connection with ourselves. We don't have a deep loving relationship with ourselves. In fact, there may be many things about ourselves that we don't like or we don't wanna look at, because it's uncomfortable. There may be deep unhealed wounds. There may be feelings of shame or inadequacy. There may be fears and insecurities. And when we're alone these things seem more apparent.

Could it be that our craving for companionship, to constantly be in the company of others, is in some sense an attempt to escape being alone, to distract ourselves from all of this so that we don't have to face it? Or it could it be that what we're craving is not merely the company of others, but validation or security, or to feel loved and accepted?

But what if we were to accept ourselves? And that includes all of the darkness, all of our flaws and imperfections, all of our mistakes and shortcomings, all of the wounds and fears and shame and so on. What if we we're to accept all of that, totally and completely, without judgment, but with compassion and forgiveness?

And what if we were to recognize all of the beauty within us as well, all of our most virtuous qualities, our capacity for kindness, our capacity to love? And what if, by recognizing all of this, we could find validation and love and a sense of worthiness all within?

Then perhaps we wouldn't feel the desperate need to acquire that from others. And we might not feel so lonely, even when we're alone.

I've found that this has really worked well for me. I've come to realize that my need to be in a relationship or to be around other people frequently was really my need to feel loved and appreciated and accepted. Because once I really began to love and appreciate myself, and to accept myself just as I am, I didn't feel so lonely. In fact, I began to experience a deep sense of fulfillment and contentment.

The only side effect of all of this is that I now enjoy being alone and I prefer my own company to that of most others. I do appreciate and enjoy spending time with other people, but I'm much more selective about it. I'm not interested in shallow interactions. And unfortunately, most people are unable or unwilling to connect deeply.

I think this is in part because we're unable or unwilling to connect deeply with ourselves. But I've noticed that the more intimately I know and accept myself, the more intimately I can connect with others who are able to do the same. And it's those relationships which are the most satisfying. I find that it's not the quantity of friends a person has, but the quality of those relationships which makes all the difference. And most importantly, it's the quality of the relationship one has with oneself.

I say all of this not to suggest that this shift happens overnight. But if you really want to overcome loneliness then take all of this into consideration and really begin to embrace being alone. And if there's a lot of fear and discomfort around that, have the courage to face it, to look at it, to understand it.

And when you have that craving for company or companionship, rather than desperately trying to satisfy that craving, can you instead have the willingness to examine it, to understand what it's really about? Are you merely craving connection with others, or are you really trying to avoid yourself; trying to avoid having to face your own darkness; your own discomfort, your own aloneness?

Can you instead turn your attention inward and really begin to embrace yourself; to begin to accept yourself just as you are, without any sort of judgment or condemnation, but with compassion. And in doing so, can you also recognize and begin to celebrate your own intrinsic value?

The cure for loneliness isn't other people. It's in cultivating a loving relationship with yourself. And once you establish that relationship, to the degree that you accept and embrace yourself, to that same degree you're going to feel more fulfilled and content, regardless of whether you're surrounded by others or completely on your own.