the big D

Depression dries and sucks the life out all the flowers in your garden.

There are stigmas and labels that come with being diagnosed with depression or any mental illness such as an attention seeker, lazy, weak, and crazy or a failure. Personally I know it takes a strong and brave person to be able to get out of the self made hole that they feel stuck in. Being in the mindset where you feel hopeless and completely alone with the same feeling of not knowing what to do with those emotions or how to sit with them. It gets overwhelming and a bit too much. Depression is hard to detect because it isn’t the type of illness where a naked eye could see it. It’s altered for each individual. Depression doesn’t look the same for everyone. Nobody will have the same definition because nobody knows the fine lines of yourself but you.

There will be days where a simple task can feel more of an effort or days where you stare at the wall feeling empty. Even some days where it feels like the only option left is suicide. It is not easy constantly fighting and be put down by your own mind. It gets tiring and draining leaving no energy for the things you use to love doing. Isolation starts to play its role. You don’t have the energy to groom yourself let alone go drag yourself to be surrounded by others. Your mind starts playing tricks on you. It might tell you that you’re alone or that you’re a burden and nobody cares. That is not true. That’s what depression does to your mind. Capturing you in this cage of sadness and emptiness. Talking to someone you trust or feel comfortable with helps let those feelings out of the cage. Whether that's a friend, counselor or the stranger sitting next to you on the train. Talking about it helps. Medication does come hand in hand with depression. Although it’s not the cure, it’s just gives you a nudge of motivation. I wasn’t a fan of taking medication in the beginning. In my mind it felt like I was going to be on medication for the rest of life and I shamed myself for having to take them in the first place. I’ve learnt that medication is only a small part of recovering.

I’ve learned from my experiences that recovery is rocky. There will be times where you relapse and you feel like you’re back in square one. You probably shame and beat yourself up for feeling the way you do. The biggest thing about recovery is practising compassion and understanding towards you. Depression is an illness in your mind. It doesn’t define you or make you weak. Depression is an illness that not many are aware of knowing how to deal with it. It leads to self medicating, repressing or turning it into anger. Speaking up and being able to say, “I am not doing okay” is brave. It’s the first step to recovery acknowledge that things aren’t okay.

Talking from personal experience depression is tough although I’ve learned that I am much tougher. I was told to treat my mind like a muscle. Just like any muscles with consistency and training it’ll gets bigger and stronger. Similar to the negative self-talk that happens in our mind. We are so good at criticizing and shaming ourselves that it becomes second nature. We practice it daily. Like a muscle it can shrink when left alone. Practising to interrupt those negative thoughts or assumption is one of the ways that helped me decrease my negative self-talk. Interrupt them by trying to find actual evidence that support that negative self-talk.

Example: There were moments where I felt like I was annoying or bothering others around me. I’d start getting anxious and my mind starts racing with all these thoughts. I interrupt them by taking a deep breath (or removing myself from the environment) and question where that thought/feeling even came from. Then I start trying to find evidence on how I was bothering others around me. Which I usually found none categorizing that thought/feeling as part of the negative self-talk mental illness feeds on. So I know next time that feeling or thought pops up again, I’ll know why it is there.

With any new skills/habits it takes practise to getting use to. There will be times where you’ll slip up. That is fine and it happens, you’re human and make mistakes. Having a slip up doesn’t mean your back to where you started. Give yourself a gentle reminder that you’re doing your best and today might not be your day, although there is always a chance to begin again the next day.

Please, don't give up.

**** There is a book called 'Lost Connection' by Johann Hari. It gave me a different perspective and well as learning so much more about depression and anxiety.