The Beach

When I started writing this, we were on our dream of a vacation at Bethany Beach, and it was only the beginning of week two. It had been one of my parents strongest desires to come to this quaint little town for two entire weeks. There we were, and what a blessing it was to be apart of it with them.

Bethany Beach brings back such comforting memories and ones that leave my heart yearning for the past. We have so many memories with my brother Tyler there, and although so much has changed, there are many parts of that town that have truly remained the same. I can still picture him in the ocean holding a horseshoe crab. I remember the feeling of missing my brothers when they went to the boardwalk to play put put golf at ”Tiki Daddy “at 8:00pm in a group with the older cousins. I remember the love he had for Phillips‘s and their pasta bar. He was the only guy I knew that was there for the pasta and not the sea food. I found myself at the pasta bar more after his passing. It’s always so healing for me to be where I know he would be, too, even now. I remember playing the card game called ‘21’ and I can still hear his laugh in the kitchen of that little gray beach house when he won the hand he dealt. I think about the ‘ugly sticks’ him and my other brother begged my parents to buy them at the local Five and 10 (which is one of the things that has not changed in decades). Oh the memories I have of his visits to the candy kitchen and him saving the rock candy lollipops for our ride home.

As I get older and life happens, as comforting as it is to go there, it is still very raw to have a place on earth, despite his death, where his spirit still feels so incredibly alive. It sometimes cripples me when I see the local welcome sign. I think what makes the grief so hard to swallow there is that I never thought as a young girl that we would actually be in this place without him here. I’ve always pictured my brothers and I coming here with our own families and our parents, and just being buried my so much sandy joy that we’d never want to leave. It became much more apparent to me this year that we are missing so much more than we even knew.

The farmers market on Sunday mornings will forever be a staple for my dad and I. There are only certain stores that I go visit each year with my mom and no one else. The taste of my dad‘s breakfast mess on the porch the second morning of vacation will forever warm my heart. I’ll never not appreciate the conversations held around our morning cups of coffee as a family. The excitement in my moms voice over the ’walkie talkies’ when she sees the todum pole as we come in to Bethany Beach is an entire vibe that serves us well for our whole visit. This truly is my happy place, but it just feels heavy sometimes without some of my people.

I am learning to find the joy there with my own family now. Watching my daughters reactions to the ocean for the first time, letting them taste our favorite ice cream on the corner of the boardwalk. C’s face when she tastes Delaware corn on the cob. G’s curiosity of the sea gulls and wanting to catch them. It’s all incredibly beautiful to witness as a mother.

I am such a home body. I am most comfortable within the walls of our tiny house, or at my parents house. The idea of moving out of state is nauseating most of the time, except for Bethany Beach. I told my husband that I will live there some day, even if I am 85 and gray… I’ll find myself at that beach.

This may not hit close to home for some, but others will feel the comfort from my happy place to theirs. It’s so important to have that place, you know? The place where you can set your mind free, and truly feel the warmth of all your hard work paying off.

The ocean is so calming for me. It is such a symbol of hardship. What I mean by that is, sometimes our problems and worries feel like waves that consume our day-to-day. We feel so incredibly short statured under our worries that it seems like we could drown at any minute. The ocean is a nice reminder that our worries do not have to feel bigger than our environment. It is one thing you can physically be next to, have your feet in, and it feel bigger than your troubles.

There is no greater peace than what we find within ourselves. If we can get our mind right, there is truly nothing that can disturb it. The comparisons, the social media, the keeping up with the Joneses, that can all be completely silenced if our own peace within us screams louder. It’s an incredible thing to know that we are in complete control of our peace, but it’s something else to actually make it happen.

When things feel stagnant, move. When you aren’t finding validity in your purpose, look further. I am learning to lean in to God and allow Him the space to work. Make the move, don’t settle, and never accept behavior that just simply shouldn’t be. Love your kids, choose your family, and let whoever disagrees with those things be on their way. If it doesn’t affect the people within the walls of your home, then don’t be concerned with it.

You’ll never be on your death bed wishing that you pleased people more. You’ll only be wanting more time to do what you wanted. More time with your family. More time to be joyful and happy. You’ll never wish that you took on more hours at work, or didn’t take a vacation. You’ll never be taking your last breath and wondering who it might offend.

Find it within yourself to be at peace, and then let your heart embrace it so as to not hinder the mind any longer. Let your troubles be just the grain of sand that are washed away by each passing wave. Feel bigger than anxiety and depression. It’s much easier to let that shit go than to keep it going.