Give It One Year

Prior to 2019, I had never step foot in a lawyers office or in a court house other than for jury duty or for a field trip in high school. The buildings were organized and prestigous, but it felt unnatural and eerie. On top of feeling out of my element, I also felt inevitably powerless.

From the moment our trauma began, my priority was keeping our daughter safe no matter what the circumstances. I was at war with her father, but I wanted to always do right by her. In the midst of the chaos, I never wanted her to not know her daddy. I wanted her to know that there is a man who loves her and would protect her, but I knew we couldn’t have him at that time. I never wanted her to have that void, so I made sure to always fill her heart with enough love and care from the both of us. I kissed her goodnight twice, I kissed her once from me, and once from her Daddy. I wanted so much more for her than what we had be given at that time. My heart ached at the thought of the kind of father I knew he could be verses what he was.

At our first court hearing, my husband was under the influence. At our second court hearing he was in an orange jumpsuit. Let me tell you, there is nothing louder than the sound of handcuffs and shackles on your spouse or loved one as they walk out of a court room, stone cold sober for the first time in months. I won that day, but I had never felt so defeated. It was in that moment that I realized how much I really loved that man, how sad I was for him, and how incredibly changed I was having had him in my life and then suddenly losing him.

During that hearing, I noticed that he had rosary beads wrapped around his hand. I whispered to my lawyer asking if he thought it was a tattoo, and now I just chuckle at that thought. There is a mockery that goes something like, “everyone finds Jesus in jail.” Is it a myth? Maybe. Is it ironic? Sure. Is it impossible? No. My husband needed a lot of help, and I think that when someone is at their rock-bottom and their world crashes to pieces in the matter of one small moment, I think that is when it gives them reason to believe in something far greater than anything that they had ever known. He gripped those rosary beads as tears consumed him. Jesus or not, that man was holding on to something worth believing in.

At one of my first meetings with my lawyer, he said to me, “Emily, one year from now your entire life is going to be different.” How right he was. If you would’ve told me that I’d be having weeknight dinners with my husband, let alone bearing his second daughter, I would have laughed in your face. I rolled my eyes at the thought of even speaking to him again. The thought of sleeping next to him, well, it wasn’t even a thought. I think all this goes to show that every day we think that we have it all figured out, but we just don’t. We should all really try to see the beauty in just letting that shit go. You really could never know what it’s like to be in someone else’s shoes, unless you are that person. We are not made all the same and we are not all meant to carry the same burdens. The way you cope is dependent upon a lot of things, but it does not have to be determined by other peoples opinions.

I know that I am very fortunate to have my husband back better than he ever was even before the disasters. I know that my daughters are blessed to have their daddy who is here now to love, protect, and nurture them the way they deserve to be. I know that my story, our story, is not the same as everyone else’s. I know that addiction does not discriminate, and I know that journey is different for everybody. The light at the end of the tunnel did not come easy to us, but with grace and forgiveness and a little bit of therapy, we made it through.

Too often we forget that things will get better, and life will ease up. The beginning of a difficult road will have an end, and no matter what, you will get there. You have to find it within to pull yourself through that shit and just move forward.

Once we got to a place where it was time to decide how we wanted the next chapter in our life to go, I often worried about what everyone would think. Thank goodness I didn’t listen to what 98% of the people had to say because I wouldn’t have been able to buy a folder to organize my husbands paperwork for his growing business, we wouldn’t have binge watched Yellowstone, made our beautiful second daughter, laughed until we cried the other night, or mastered our cups of coffee for one another. He wouldn’t be well. He wouldn’t be here. His addiction started alone, but overcoming it needed a village.

What I have come to find is that people will follow your lead especially if they know you have made the best decision for yourself. It doesn’t even have to be something they agree with nor do you need anyone’s blessing to pick up the pieces in a broken marriage or in a broken home. If you feel it’s right, then it probably is. If you want to change and get better, then you probably will.

Find your reason, and then fight like hell.