That Spark

I crave real connections, not form from hatred or imitation. The thing was, I couldn't form a real connection with others around me. Because I was so disconnected from myself.

For years I put on a show because that's who I thought I needed to be. To be loved and accepted. I wasn't able to seek any of these emotions within me because I've never felt those towards myself. I didn't think I was loveable nor my needs were important. I went against my values and I disrespected myself each time I agreed to something I didn't want to do. Although each of those experiences has a lesson to be learned.

Before we moved to Australia I spent my first 10 years in the Philippines. I was living with my grandma and my sister. During that period, my mum worked overseas in Singapore. I'm grateful and admire her. She could have abandoned us, but she didn’t. I didn’t quite understand her actions towards me. I felt like there were times, she didn't care about me. When in reality she has her way of showing how she cares. It might not be from occasional hugs or exchanging 'i love you.' It’s there; she’s showing it the way she knows how. I forget sometimes that she has her own story too.

There have been times where I've overstayed my welcome. That feeling of finally someone caring about me. That is my inner child in me, the one who didn't think, her needs were important. It's difficult trying to find ourselves. When you've never really known who you were. I don't identify as an Australian nor do I feel like the Philippines is my home. I guess that's the root of it. I've never felt home.

I've never been comfortable in my skin. I have shame steaming from me. There have been times where others have looked down on me for certain things that brought me joy and I've never been good at being vulnerable in front of others. That was one of the ingredients of forming a real connection; vulnerability. I have to unlearn all the things stringed with vulnerability. It's not a weakness. It is essential to be able to form real connections. I'm learning how to let my guard down.

Growing up I always compare myself to others. I cared more about others' opinion more than mine. I was so insecure and unsure about myself. I'd project my hated for myself on others around me. Others would comment on how funny I was after I'd make a hateful comment. And I took it as a compliment. At the time that's how I thought I needed to do to be accepted; be the mean girl. There have been times where I haven't been a good friend, sister, daughter, and stranger. I take full accountability for the harm I've caused to the people around me. Whether it was intentional or subconsciously. I am sorry.

Although I do forgive myself. Those past versions of me have taught me resilience. Don't shame our past selves. She was the fundamental of this. Without her, I couldn't be the person that I am right now. Thank you for the sacrifices and having to go through all the pain and I am sorry for being so cruel and hateful. I didn't see my worth then, although I have found my spark and passion and I am not letting go.

I've come along way from where I was. I am still in the process of connecting to myself day by day. It hasn't been a bubble bath and a face mask. But more like long hikes. There are times where we'll be moments of wanting to turn around and give up. Although we have to remind ourselves of the feeling of accomplishment admiring the view and glad that we didn't give up.