Confession of being Emotionally UNavailable

I ran away at any type of genuine intimacy. I had guys wanting to give me the love I need and deserve. Only turning around and running away in a completely different direction. Instead, I run after guys who were emotionally closed off. Leaving me constantly having to question my worth and if I was good enough.

I know now why I was chasing guys who were emotionally closed off because I too was emotionally closed off. I remember the thought of a guy wanting to get to know me was a turn-off and now I laugh at this. I find it humorous because I think its good to laugh at our past decisions and behaviours instead of shaming them and feeling regret. My therapist called me the 'Master Ghoster' after telling her I never go on second dates. Not because it wasn't a good one but because I'd fly off the radar and find something I didn't like about them. Making it bigger than it was. Where I've 'cut off' or let go of certain connection base from my intuitions although some were based on the fear of being abandoned.

I never got to the point of knowing their last names and sometimes not even their first name. I was willing to show them my whole body yet the thought of them seeing and knowing I had wounds terrified me more. Where opening and spreading my legs was easier than being vulnerable and showing the real me.

Being emotionally unavailable was not fun. I deprive myself of real connection because I needed to connect within myself first. I spend my entire life running away from my emotions and myself. That I did anything to avoid them. In my adolescent years, I projected hate and bullied others around me. In my transition to adulthood, I buried them with casual and meaningless sex to substances and partying. Those experience guided me to where I needed the most self-love and nurturing. Which was my emotional body and wounds lingering around there.

It wasn't because I didn't respect myself that I opened myself to all these people. It was because I saw myself as an object. That was narrative I constantly told myself to the point it became one of my blueprints. Where I used it to define my worth and a filter for any connection coming my way. The narrative we tell ourselves do determine the actions we take, the risk or the leaps of faith we make in life.

We have a certain amount of time in this lifetime and we don't have a date stamp of when our time here will end. That's the magical thing about life we never really know when our ending is. So we might as well use this lifetime to learn to love ourselves instead of hating and judging.

I learnt to love and nurture parts of me that I've never even seen. Parts that I've suppressed that I've forgotten they were there. Parts that I remember loving although at the time the thought of being accepted by others was far more important than accepting myself. Only learning that was self-abandonment. That self-abandonment is not Love.

I'm not going to lie the beginning of my journey of self-love was a lonesome because it was the Unknown for me. Having to seek love, validation and my worth within me. Not from external entities that I was patterned into doing which was seeking love, validation and self-worth outside of myself. Creating a self-abandonment Karmic Cycle. Only ones learning to love ourself and seek the love and validation that is within us, I felt whole. Realising that the love and validation I was seeking was something I was only able to give myself, something that could only be found within.

Self-love is empowering. Transmuting our pain and wounds into healing, strength, resilience and courage. We transmute by understanding, being compassionate, kind and nurturing to those wounds and pain.

I'm not going to sugar coat it and say it's rainbows and peaches because that's giving this false hope and when arriving at that stage of facing our emotions and ourselves I don't want you going in with that false hope.

Just know that when facing our emotions that heavy weight on our shoulders and chest gets lighter. Even just naming our emotions for what they are. Identifying them is the first step. Identify and putting a name to our emotions helps take the heaviness away. Making the emotions lighter because we have shone a light on them.

I believe that once we experience some sort of self-love for ourselves, we change within. Meaning that the people we use to be drawn too don't have the same power they use to over us. Some benefits from others having a lack of self-love within them. We have the free will to choose ourselves.

The question is do we love yourself enough to walk in the Unknown and find the love we know we deserve?